The Best, The Worst, The New.

Best Memories of 2011:
1) I rang in the New Year in Seattle. That was a great start.
2) I got the incredible opportunity to travel around Ireland with my grandma, my aunt & my uncle. I learned a lot about myself and the world those 8 days I was away from home. I also realized how attractive men with accents combined with beards wearing v-necks and skinny jeans while playing a guitar are.
3) Some cute guy played a song about me while eating stale cheeze-its in a gazebo by the sea. I'll never forget that one.
4) I got the position of ASB President. Not exactly in the way I wanted to, but I still got it. And, I now call the two people I was running against two great friends. I wasn't sure back then if I'd ever be able to do that.
5) AP Tests. I got through them. 'Nuff said.
6) I went to Girls State, which isn't something I'll remember forever, but it's something I remember doing so it made the list.
7) I finished junior year with 5 A's & a B. I was happy.
8) Leadership Camp was one of the best experiences of my life. The people I met were honestly the most incredible people ever. I think that if we needed each other right at this moment, we would all drive to be together somehow. I could write a whole blog about that one week.
9) GEORGIA! Spending 11 days down there with my family made my whole summer.
10) I saved so many lives while working at Wild Waves. Not everyone can say they've done that in their lifetime.
11) Senior Year has been the best of my life. I've learned so much. That could also be it's own blog. Most of all, I've learned the importance of loving everyone. Learn their stories. Judgement is not your job.
12) Patriot Crew Camp. 44 people I love; helping me over 14 ft walls, falling into their arms off logs.
13) I mean to have 12, but I have a few more. Winter Wishes was incredible. Stress and all, I wouldn't change a thing. 471 wishes granted. That wouldn't have happened without the stress.
14) Realizing the value of family and friends. It isn't news to anyone that this year was difficult. But, thankfully, with the help of great friends, I got through it. Thanks guys, especially Maddi & Erika. Your constant texts and letters of encouragement reminded me that someone cared, and it reminded me to not give up.


And for the worst:
It wasn't an easy year. But as I bring in this new one with an adorable little brother, and a wonderful loving mother, I remember just how grateful I am for the love I have been given, and the friends I have.

As for the new:
The best year of my life is before me and I know it. This is the BIG year where I graduate, and if I was traditional, go to college. But God knows I'm not traditional, and a different desire has been placed in my heart. I'm not sure what summer will bring, but I know what I'll be doing come September. Hawaii, here I come.

Questions.

Do people even read this thing?

Do they care to know about my incredible lack of a love life?

Has it just proven itself as a lame substitute for actually seeing each other?

We think we know each other so well, but what we know is what we read, and what we read can be so surface level.

I wish I was one of those people who could keep my mouth shout;

Who didn't ask questions they didn't want to hear the answer to;

Who could do what she wanted without fear that other people wouldn't approve.

So, that's what I want for this year that is bound to be the best.

Because 2011 was so rough,

2012 is bound to be great, right?

"You have everything in this world to make you happy...

..All you have to do is reach out for it."

Every play, there are a few select lines that embed themselves in my head, and this is one of them.
Along with...
"Like any other trade, it isn't all beer and skitttles."
So, what is Antigone teaching me?
1)Life isn't all beer and skittles
2)Happiness is a thing worth fighting for. If you're not happy, find a way to be. Or go die. (Spoiler Alert: Not my personal Opinion)
And lastly:
On the topic of love.
I want a love who'll:
1)feel alone on earth if I laugh and he doesn't know why &
2)worry that I've died in a horrific accident if I'm 5 minutes late.
But mainly just the first one. Because it would be bad for him to think I've died WHENEVER I'm late. I imagine I'll be late on occasion, and I'd hate for him to lose his mind every single time.

I like Antigone, I really do.
The nurse? She's alright. Even if I can't capture her personality to save my life.

Rescued.

Two to None

Roads that lead away from here,

I'm following myself, just this once.

You're Right.

I wouldn't like it.

So, I'll respect that.

Falling Slowy.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now
Falling slowly

Sing your melody
I'll sing it loud

Undeclared.

Thus far, I've been accepted into 5 colleges:

1) Shorter University- Rome, Georgia, with a hefty scholarship

2) Toccoa Falls College-Toccoa Falls, Georgia, with a $5,500 scholarship/year

3) Pacific University-Forest Grove, Oregon, with the President's Scholarship(1/2 tuition)

4) University of Portland-Portland, Oregon

5) Auburn University-Auburn, Alabama

 and wait listed for one.

6) Tulane University-New Orleans, Louisiana

Last night, I went to a party with my mom. It was at a country club and was filled with doctors and physicians and waiters that wore all black and served  fancy salmon and pink steak and hors'devours. I felt like it was straight out of East Egg, and Jay Gatsby would appear at any moment. People talked about the mean doctors, drank way too much wine, grinded on other peoples husbands because they drank too much wine, and occasionally would fall over suddenly on the dance floor, then giggling giddily, get back up. I danced a few songs with my mom, one of which a drunk lady heeled me in my toe. The circular indent is still there. I think it's rare that you find a teenage daughter who likes her mom as much as I like mine, but that's not the point of this blog. The doctor my mom works for is from India, and is an incredibly nice man. While returning to the buffet line for more rolls, he asked about my plans for medical school, because last he heard, I wanted to be a doctor without a border. I told him about Auburn, and left it at that.

Later, he came up to my mom to congratulate her, and my mom went into great detail on the number of colleges I'd been accepted to. The wine made her a little loopy as well.

Later that night, while bonding with a guy named Carlos and his wife, I told him about how my love and my passion, was theatre. With a wide eyed expression, he told me he knew I was an  actor, because he could tell I was empathetic. I could feel other peoples pain, and apparently, only the best actors can. Acting is NOT about blending yourself with another character; it's about giving up yourself to be that character; to feel their pain, their happiness, their sorrow, their joy. Robert Downey Jr. Taught him that. Not long after that, my mom and I packed up to go. I hugged him and thanked him for his advice. The thing he said afterward, I will hold dear to my heart forever.
"Follow your dreams, because there are so many adults who wish they would have done what would make them happy. You have the potential and the opportunity. You are at the perfect time in your life to make the right decision; the one that will make you happy."

With that, we parted ways.

Open up your mind and see like me.

"Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our god-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love"

 

The Best.

Today was a good day despite the fact that I was on the verge of puking the whole school day due to a massive headache and I failed to make it to Phase 3 of Act Six.
But my day was still made.
I guess peoplejust  forget hnow much they have to be thankful for.
But, I'm so, so excited for Daniela, Spencer, and Alma.
I love them so much, and from the very beginning, I just had this feeling it was going to be them.
I don't have the time or the energy to write down all the positives to my day, but here are a few.
+
-Olson is constantly yelling at me and calling me a yay-hoo. I just love that lady.
-Winter Wishes. Today we granted all the Support Center Students(Special Education) wishes, and tears sprang to my eyes upon seeing their beautiful, smiling faces.. It was a little bit awkward and I didn't know if I was allowed to hug them, but the joy on their faces made all the stress worth it. Even though the worst has yet to come. How many days until break?
-a 3 hour nap
-Subway for dinner and bonding with the worker. He said I should become a photographer and travel the world taking pictures of people. I like him. Even though last time, he was an ass. Sometimes, people have bad days, but they all deserve second chances.
-PATRIOT CREW! When I checked my e-mail and saw that I hadn't made it to phase 3, there were 6 other people around, and we were able to laugh about it. Not to mention, Amanda Dunnigan promised me Apple Teriyaki if I didn't get it. I love this family. There is no other word to describe them, but family.
-Lastly, I feel this sense that there is nothing I can't do or be. No one I can't befriend. I like that feeling.
-One more, for the books. He's really a cute guy, but as I read the words of wisom from a dear friend, I realized just how right he was. He's a babe, there is no denying that, and he's talented at the thing I call my passion, but guess what? Lots of people are, and one day, there'll be some guy. He'll be an actor. And I'll fall in love. End of Story.

How Quickly It's Ruined.

We had given out gift after gift after gift.

I'd been hugged more times then I could count, and each time I entered the camera's view, I winced a little more.

But, it all felt worth it, because these people were happy. We were giving them candy, and sodas, and other cheap things, but THEY WERE HAPPY!

Then, she angrily walked up, snatched the food from my hand screaming that she wanted the big package, not the little. Then, she stomped off.

I sat there with my mouth agape. (Yeah, that's caught on camera for the rest of my life.)

And everybody else looked uncomfortable too.

She then stomped all the way to her class and immediately complained about her gift.

I guess one person can ruin it.

But tomorrow is a new day.

A new chance to make peoples wishes come true and to befriend that guy that I've wanted to be friends with since the 7th grade.

A new chance to be a better person.

A new chance to let go of the fact that you are not perfect. And neither am I. Or anyone else for that matter.

A new chance to just be.

Crazy.

Loud.

Awkward.

Beautiful.

All That & More.

Guess What.

I stopped caring about you when I stopped trying to be something I wasn't in an effort to impress you.

Let's face it; we're just not two peas in a pod.

I'll politely respect you, and envy your intelligence, and laugh at your jokes, and "ogle" you from afar, but sometimes, you just have to let it go.

"Yeah, you can't find nothing at all, if there was nothing there all along."

Things you should know.

See that attractive blonde man in the back.

That's my Dad.

I miss him and I'd really like to get to know him

And that guy with the cool hair in the front?

Well, that's my grandpa. He used to be an incredible football player and was recruited by Auburn University.

But his papa said no, and instead he joined the military and impersonated Johnny Cash in bars to make a little bit of extra cash.

I love him so much.

See the girl in the front?

That's my aunt and my mom's best friend.

There's so much that Georgia holds for us.

It's home.

And I really want to throw everything down and go back.

So long.

The Thinker

I really like the way you turn the tables and make me form my own opinions.

You truly are the greatest friend I could ever have asked for.

I only hope I've been as good of a friend to you as you to me.

You give me a reason to stay.

They're in love.

Where am I?

Booga-Booga-Booga-ing away in my red car.

The Great Gatsby.

"Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;

If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,

Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,

I must have you!"

Let's be real.

God doesn't hate fags.

But he might hate you if you keep acting like a douche.

Brand New Day.

Laughing. I like it.

And I tend to do it way too frequently around a certain someone.

I throw my head back, and snort, and then I attempt to hide my tomato-red face in the crannies of my elbow. During all of this, I hear you laughing along with me, and this cheesy, stupid grin spreads over my face, and well I like it. I like all of it.

It's dangerous.

This feeling thing.

Weak and Brittle Bones.

I'm grateful today, and I think so too many of my blog posts have been sad, depressing, and occasionally morbid. So, I feel it's only right that you hear the good things going on in my chaotic, stressful, blessed life.
Here you have it! A list, more or less.
1. I felt really alone today. Then, a special teacher, who is slowly moving up on my favorite teacher list(yeah, I have one. In my head) came up to me and scolded me for my cross country fine. He didn't want anything from me, and he wasn't asking me to do something for him. The ironic thing is he did want me to pay my fine, so both those statements are now proven false. But, something in the way he said it made it seem less bossy and more caring. I love the teachers at WHS. From my amazing mentor who buys me teriyaki when I'm broke, gives me snacks throughout the day, and has basically taken on the role of my second mom. Goodness, I love this woman. From Stanczyk who tells me what I don't want to hear, makes me cry, and then lets me doodle on his board to let out my emotions. I love him too. From Fineman who treats me like an adult, but also taught me how to release my inner child and how to hold onto it forever in small ways. She also taught me how to act and gave me a great many lessons on confidence. I love this red-head. From Booth, who gets on to me for fines, and takes an interest in every aspect of my life. I cried, no bawled, and dry-heaved in front of him about a month ago, and as awkward as he felt, he sucked it up and asked me how he could help. He told me men don't deal with crying women very well. I love this bald guy. From Culp who was my constant encouragement. The voice that told me not to give. The voice I would have liked to stop at some points. I love this coach. From Fergie whom I vent to about boys, and cry to about family, and everything in-between. I love this lady. To Olson, who is constantly riding me about missing assignments and my F in her class. It might sound crazy, but I love the woman despite her animal sound affects, and awful pet names intended for offense. Without her constant nagging, I would have given up. But, she didn't let me. That's why Washington High School is more than the greatest high school in the world; it's home. Words can't express the sacrifices these people have made for their students. It's not just a job they go to 5 days a week to pay the bills. For most of them, the job doesn't stop when the school bell tolls, or when the first days of summer vacation begins, or even when they step off the WHS Campus. This blog was meant to look a little differently, but when you get me going about the greatness of Washington High School's teachers, I can't stop. I just really love them.

Stolen from allisonwonderland.

The only thing you have control over in this life is yourself.

If you want to see a change, make the change.

If you want to be different, be different.

If you want to be happier, start now.

But stop complaining.

Complaining doesn't change anything.

It doesn't fix anything.

And all it does is bring down those around you.

Feel your feelings.

Own up to your emotions.

Vent if you need to get them off your chest.

But if you want to gain control of a situation,

you're going to have to alter the way you think.

If you don't want it to be awkward, don't act awkward.

If you want to be more confident, fake it till you make it.

If you want more friends, be friendlier.

If someone makes you mad, decide to get over it.

Nobody is controlling you.

Nobody is your puppet-master.

And so if you want something to happen,

you're gonna have to do it yourself.

If you are easily wounded, toughen up.

If you aren't getting what you want, change your thinking.

Don't let the lives of others affect you so much.

Maybe that person IS a bad person,

but their choices shouldn't have any weight in you dictating yours.

Stop complaining.

I am so sick of hearing people complain.

FYI, there's nothing you can't do

and be

and see

and feel

and hear

and become.

Get over yourself.

Stop holding yourself back.

Stop being passive in your life.

Brush the dirt off the chip in your shoulder and go do something about it.

5 Years Time.

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks

And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Cause I’ll be laughing at all your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we used to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes
And drink stupid wine
Cause it’s what we needed to have a good time

And it was fun fun fun
When we were drinking
It was fun fun fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun fun fun
When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun
Oh it was fun

Oh well I look at you and say
It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been
And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she’ll say
Yeah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

And it’ll be
Love love love
All through our bodies
And love love love
All through our minds
And it be Love love love
All over her face
And Love love love
All over mine


Although maybe all these moments are just in my head
I’ll be thinking ‘bout them as I’m lying in bed
And all that I believe might never really come true
But in my mind I’m havin’ a pretty good time with you

Oh

Five years time
I might not know you
Five years time
We might not speak
Oh
In five years time
We might not get along
In five years time
You might just prove me wrong

Oh there’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love love love

Wherever you go, there’ll be love

That one time at Girls State Camp..

Standing up for what you believe in is beautiful.

Even if it's a sacrifice.

The Giving of Thanks.

My Thanksgiving weekend was crazy and absolutely wonderful.

Thursday, I woke up to cinnamon rolls and watched Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2!

Then, I attempted to cook, and watched my mom cook, because I can't really cook at all.

Finally, I sat down with my two wonderful brothers, beautiful mother, and hilarious uncle to eat.

It was different than any Thanksgiving I remember, but it was nice. No one yelled at me. No one told me what to do. No one. After we gorged ourselves on food, we packed our bags and drove up to Seattle.

A lovely night was spent with my loverly family followed by watching the Macy's Parade the next day, then seeing everyone from the WHS Band in the food court at Westfield.

I love those kids. After our adventures in Seattle ended, I came home, unpacked, and repacked to head for the ocean. Typical Ocean shenanigans ensued, including beach frolicking, hot-tubbing, and mass amounts of home-made food. I love the ocean, I do and I always have, but without my mom there, it felt different and hollow. I came home from the ocean yesterday afternoon, then headed to my grandma's house with my two brothers for more feasting(I probably gained ten pounds this weekend.) Overall, this weekend was great, but my mom wasn't allowed to come to two of those places for various reasons, and to say this rather bluntly, I think that's B.S. Divorce, Religion, whatever. I just think it's stupid and I know if we were in Georgia, she would have been invited to my aunt's for Thanksgiving, and my grandparents. And guess what?!?! She's not even related to them! But they call her family. I realize every one's family is messed up, but my mom is the most beautiful person I know, and she deserves to be somewhere she is loved and accepted, and her past mistakes are forgiven. I'm thankful for my family here, but I'm ready to be somewhere new. Or I guess you could say, ready to go back home.

I've applied to Auburn University.

Next up, Florida State U Application.

Homeward Bound.

On Happiness.

Promise me you'll do something for yourself.

Something you want to do without fear that you'll be going at it alone.

Promise me you'll make it happen, even if I can't be your reason.

Because, if I'm seeking happiness and doing what I want, that isn't medical school.

I'm not even sure if it's college.

I want to travel.

I want to love people.

I want to change the world.

I don't need money or a degree to do that.

AND, i'm in touch with a fantastic program called Surfing the Nations that will enable me to make all these "wants" come true.

"So, please, please, please.

Let me, Let me, Let me.

Let me get what I want this time."

I wish I could save everyone.

It pains me that you have to go through this and hurt so badly.

I want to cry for you, because this is not how it should be.

Gah, I feel like it was me that was broken up with.

Maybe in waiting for the right guy, God's just saved me a lot of pain.

Yup, that must be it.

Dedication.

Remember that one party where we watched Yes, Man in my front yard?

Well, I'm the girl form of Jim Carey and lack the ability to say no.

I realized it today, and I documented the next 3 times I said yes, when I really wanted to say no.

Can I copy your paper?

Yes.

Can you work on this after school(even thouhg I'm aware of your busy life)?

Yes.

Can you drop everything you're doing, miss all your classes, and do what I want you to do?

NO!

I don't like being stretched thin and I hate being used.

So, when my favorite teacher in the whole world asked me what I want to do when I grow up, the first thing that came to my mind was theatre.

I love theatre.

I think it loves me too.

For reasons you'd never understand.

This favorite red-headed teacher of mine smiled and asked if she could give me a piece of advice.

I assured her that her guidance was much appreciated.

She told me to go for a teaching degree in theatre, because I can use that in a lot of places, unlike a performance degree.

It's not set in stone, and I'm still not sure where I'll be in a few years, but I know this.

When I fill out my college applications and put all my extracurriculars, the only box I check yes for wanting to be involved with in college is theatre. That's speaks.

Someone hold me to it.

A Lack of Color

And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
For absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03

on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years

Friend.

It used to annoy me.
Maybe my perception of that thing I call love has changed over time, or maybe I've realized that what I want is different.
Today, while laughing non-stop, I realized how much I enjoy just being your friend.
And maybe that's all I'll ever be.
That'd make me happy too.

You.

If I could find anyone I like as much as you.
If I could find anyone who makes me laugh as much as you.
If I could find anyone I respect as much as you.
If I could find anyone that believes in me as much as you.
If I could find anyone who listens to me as well as you.
Well, I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life with that person.

I like it.

I sincerely enjoy being myself to such a point that I'm altogether giving up on trying to impress other people.

I was failing at it anyway.

I tried it halfway through today and it made me question why I hadn't done it before?

Ask the questions you want to ask, swing if you want to swing, dance if you want to dance, be yourself.

People might not like it or you might find that they do.

Either way, it's better than attempting to be something you're not.

Revelation

"Mom, I don't think I fit in at school. I think people think I'm weird."

"Well, you only have a few more months, then you can start somewhere new."

"Yeah, but it's kind of sad. I'm involved in all these different things, but people don't really like me. Or get me."

"Well, I don't mean to rag on my friend,_______, but in high school, every guy wanted to date her, she was the most popular girl in school and now look at her, she's struggling."

*This girl, whose name will remain private has three kids with three different men, no job, and lives with her parents at the age of 39.

"Were you popular?"

"No, not at all. But I know a lot of people who would kill for my life now that I went to high school with. Or, at least my income."

Revelation-

People won't always think I'm strange.

Or dislike me for being slightly successful.

One day in the future, I'll be okay with being a weird-o, because I'll know I was born to be different.

For now, I'll blow bubbles in class and people will stare at me and I'll feel awkward.

Stepppp Up.

" I don't think you can be put in a box. You're your own person and you're okay with that.

Western would be perfect for you."

College choices get more scary everyday.

Do I want to go to a Christian college?

Who knows anymore.

Here's what I got and your opinions are much appreciated.

1) I want a pretty campus with lots of trees to climb, if I'm ever in the mood.

Or, I could just look at them.

2)I want to live near the sea.

3)I want to live in a big, bustling city or close to it.

4) I want lots of study abroad programs.

5)I don't want people telling me what to do. In other words, no contracts please.

P.S. It's hard to find a christian school that has that.

6) I want teachers that know my name and encourage me to pursue my dreams.

7)I want a community dedicated to outreach and love.

8)I want theatre programs.

9)I don't want to be sexiled from my room.

10)I want warm sunshine, beautiful sunrises and sunsets, and warm sand.

11) I want my mom and Joey to follow me, because there's nothing here for us anymore.

Does a college like this even exist?

If so, will I ever find it?

Can I pick up PLU and place it in Florida?!?

Winter Play

Per usual, I got a motherly role as the nurse and the caregiver of the main character, Antigone.

I think about Theater as a career a little bit more everyday, but if there's one thing it's showing me, it's this: I get cast in the motherly, caring roles because that's what I'm good at. Maybe I'm not an actor at all, and instead I'm just someone who cares a whole awful lot about other people. I think, that maybe, I'm just meant to love the world and all the people, including the lost, broken students in Up The Down Staircase, the little boy dying of Hemophilia in The Yellow Boat, and the crazy family I called mine in You Can't Take it With You. Yup, this will be my fourth show as this motherly, caring role.

I'm pretty stoked.

Trivial

My last post really annoys me. I think it's because it's childish, in so many ways. Love is waiting, and it's not a 17-year old boy who is more consumed with himself and getting his friends to laugh at one of his crazy antics. So, to remind myself of that and to convince you blog readers that I'm not getting crazy, I made a list of a few of the things love means to me.
Love means waking up early to pick up a friend that lives 20 minutes away.
Love means folding another person's laundry.
Love means sacrifice of time, money, effort.
Love means sending inspirational texts even if the person fails at replying. Sorry guys.
Love means listening to a person rant when their life seems perfect.
Love means bringing peaches.
Love means acceptance.
I'm surrounded by love and I'd hate to let it slip away, because it's not the love I dream of.
In fact, I don't think I'd be able to love at all if not for the love given to me these past few months.
So, thank you.
P.S. I will not delete my last post, but do me a favor and ignore the trivial content.

"He's Got Me. Again"

I walked up on to stage with shaky legs and a rapidly beating heart.

I faced my fear.

I looked in to the enomoursely large green eyes of a guy I've found attractive since the 7th grade.

I said I loved him and dreamt of the day I would be his wife.

He said he felt the same.

I was the only girl he could ever be with, his one true love.

We awkwardly hugged as he said "With all my strength."

Then, we walked down the steps and back to our seats.

I didn't realize I'd think about it for the rest of the day or turn into a school-aged girl who sends her friend to do sleuth work.

I didn't realize I'd find myself attracted to every word he said and everything he did from that moment forward.

The sad part? This is the same guy who talked about "jacking off" right in front of me not two hours prior.

Reality sets in and it's brutal.

That's all I have to say about that subject.

Who is time to make us wait?

I continually stress myself out to a point that's unbearable.

I try to get involved with everything and fail at keeping my commitments.

Today being my prime example.

And everyday before it.

I like Fineman. She defends me and gives me options.

She's so loving.

I wouldn't have made it through today without her.

So, on that note, this is going to turn into a gushing session about how much I love my drama teacher.

She believed in me from the start.

She pushed me to grow.

She taught me how to act.

She awkwardly hugged me when I needed it even though she's not a toucher.

She gave me apples when I forgot my lunch.

She threatened to get the people that hurt me in trouble.

Did I mention I love this lady?

Because I do.

It should go noted that I also love Micah Vargas for being my best friend and keeping me sane.

<3

Live and Let Go.

I write you from this grounded aeroplane
I wonder how you've been and where you are
A letter to the one who slipped away
A letter for the things that never start
Oh my imagination running wild
Guess I missed you from the day that we first met
Crazy this fascination
Makes the sound like a twister in my mind
The restless dream we've left behind
I never will forget

This restless dream

It's funny how the words we never say
Turn into the only thoughts we knowBut Boston's just so very far away
I cannot believe I let you go

Oh my imagination running wild
Guess I missed you from the day that we first met
Crazy this fascination
Makes the sound like a twister in my mind
The restless dream we've left behind
I never will forget

This restless dream

And so I call to you from the darkness of my room
But you will never be a memory
No, you're a restless dream
My restless dream

So I write to this address that I don't know
You said you had to leave and we lost track
So if you hear this on the radio
I've said it now and there's no turning back

Oh my imagination running wild
I guess I missed you from the day that we first met
Crazy this fascination
Makes the sound like a twister in my mind
The restless dream we've left behind
I never will forget

This restless dream
This restless dream

The Physics of the Quest

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

-Eat Pray Love

10 Positives.

1. Getting texts from random numbers and then realizing that random number is actually the number of someone very dear to your heart.
2. Running your heart out.
3. Having people that care.
4. Guys that don't know what to do about crying teenage girls.
5. My homecoming date is awesome.
6. People have been listening more.
7. A coach that believes in me
8. Feeling peace.
9. Knowing that in a year, you could be home.
10. Making that homeward bound step happen.
BONUS:
-Happiness.

Everyday is a struggle.

Last December, one of my blog posts talked about getting into the Christmas spirit.

"I'm thankful I have parents that are together," said the 6 year old I love.

I'm terribly sorry it couldn't stay that way.

I hate it as much as you do.

I say it's good.

I say I didn't like my step-dad anyway.

I say I'm fine.

I do like my new life, I really do.

But I also miss everything the word family meant for the past 14 years of my life.

And I worry about Joey.

Divorce Sucks.

Especially the second time around.

Charles.

When I watch Community, I think of you.

You look so much like that one guy, it's incredible.

It makes me regret never telling you just how handsome and wonderful I thought you were.

Maybe that's why we're only given so many years on this earth.

Every second offers a chance to say what's on your mind, to say how you feel, and to change someones day, life, eternity for better or for worse.

So, I vow to say what's on my mind even if people aren't listening, or don't care, or think I'm weird for it. But only if its for the better. Or needs to be said for the better of me.

I will not be pushed around.

I will not be judged.

I will be the person I've always wanted to be.

What she couldn't do, I will.

Dillusion.

I felt I was blooming, because I felt accepted.

Then, I lost some stupid popularity contest for a plastic crown and a title that no one will remember, and I suddenly felt wilted. Or drowned.

Needless to say, I have a lot to learn.

And I am blooming. But, I can't bloom based on anyone's standards, but my own.

I'll always be the tall, blonde, gangly, awkward kid I was in the 7th grade, but I have people that love me for it.

That's a nice feeling.

Thanks for being one of them.

In Progress.

I'm blooming.

It's a wonderful feeling that I've never had before.

Quote of the day.

Life is not about the depth and quality of your blog.

It's about the quantity.

SO BLOG MORE PEOPLE!

The Beginning.

18 years ago in a small military hospital in Aurora, Colorado, a teen mom gave birth to a bald, big-headed, blue-eyed baby girl. The odds were stacked against them with little money, no parent approval, and no college education. Look at us now. My family has changed drastically and often negatively over the years, but I don't wish any different. I'm thankful my mother is a strong, beautiful woman and has set such an example for me. I'm thankful for moving away from Georgia to grow up in an extremely diverse area rather then an area plagued with traces of prejudice and racism. I'm thankful for a big brother who stepped up and helped raise me. I'm thankful for not having a lot of money, because growing up in a poor family taught me that love is enough and money is a nice luxury. I'm thankful for that girl who threw the basketball at my head in the 4th grade and made me cry because I'm stronger for it. I'm thankful for teachers who believed in me, listened to me, and occasionally made me cry or cried alongside me. I'm thankful for Sunnyside beach visits, Tacoma Parks, Lakewood Towne Center movies, and James Sales swings. I'm thankful for McDonald's on 2 hour delay snow days, my numerous visits to St. Francis, Tacoma mall, and sunny, grass filled days. I'm thankful for frilly dresses, ruby red shoes, and my grandma's knitted scarves. I'm thankful for friends, whether I still call them that or not. I'm thankful for knowing Jesus and having faith that He's got it all worked out.

I'm thankful for my childhood and I'm ready for adulthood.

Don't expect me to be too mature though. I still plan to swing, and play baseball, and roll in the grass, and laugh til my tummy hurts and have my mom hold me while I cry.

I'll always have some kid left in me.

I'm thankful for life.

Hello (Again) World.

New Adventures.

I really enjoy traveling. Here are a few of my ideas for the next 9 months or so:

Pocatello, Idaho

with:

This guy.

Bellingham, Washington

with:

With many more unplanned adventures in between, and then, if dreams do come true and I return to the land I love, Here:

Auburn, Alabama

or extremely close to it.<3



Patriot Crew

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

I fell off a 6 foot log into the arms of ten people I now claim to love. Then, they lifted me over a 20 foot wall. They also helped me down the other side of the wall with me screaming "YOU BETTER HAVE MY FEET!". It was a good weekend.

"Strong trees don't grow with ease. The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees." 

We've faced hurricanes and we've come out better, stronger, lovelier for it.

I love you guys.

Personal Day

I took a personal day, which could also be called a sick day.

Mostly a personal day, though.

It's nice to have a little bit of time to get my life in order.

Mostly, I didn't want to go to school and be kicked out of my classes once again for not having my homework done.

It's already happened twice this year!

So, I'm taking a day to catch up, chill out, and apply for colleges.

Yay for senior year.

It's crazy stressful.

Confession.

I thought you were beautiful.



BEAMING.

:)

It's getting easier.

These changes.

These deaths.

These frustrations.

I'm not smiling because I'm over any of it. My friend died. My family fell apart. I lost multiple friends. But, I am smiling, because through it, I've grown. I am a flower, not a weed. The rain and the sun both help me grow. Surely, I cannot live in a fantasy where everything is perfect for long. Trials are necessary. Death is a sad truth to life. Marriage doesn't always work out. People are going to rub it in your face how much better, more charming, smarter, talented, and accomplished they are, but one day, you will change the world. Maybe you already have? I refuse to let my current challenges hold me back from what God has in store for my life. Therefore, the haters can hate, the papers can be signed delcaring divorce, and I can close my eyes, picture your face, and smile, because you lived and I loved you and I still do.

Life goes on.

And it won't be this hard always.

Loss.

One time, I went to a party.

Everyone got high, except me.

Somehow or another, I ended up next to him as he ever so sweetly offered me some.

I politely declined, then told him his eyes were much prettier when he was high.

I also mentioned how much sweeter he was.

He then apologized for his rudeness and we hugged it out.

He said something along the lines of having a tendency to be rude to beautiful girls.

Every day after that, he said something nice.

He ate his chocolate covered peanut at the same time as me, cause I was always afraid I'd choke on stage.

He promised me he'd save me if I did.

Death is rough.

Especially, when it's you.

I close my eyes and all I see is his face, with his big brown eyes that I had to look up to.



Give me a future.

"You'll be a world-class journalist."
"and..."
"Micah, this is serious."
"No, I'm being serious. You'll write about starvation in third world countries."
I read a book about that once.
It was a christian romance novel.
That sounds really heesy, but it was a fantastic book.
All I know is I want to help people.
That's all I've got.
Take me somewhere with that God.

The a is for and.

I don't know why it offends me so much.
No one's drawn my attention to it in quite a while, and so maybe that's where the anger rose up from; surprise.
"Marriage, Marriage, Marriage.
Casey loves marriage."
So while I drove from old to new and unloaded boxes, I thought about why I seem to get so frustrated when people get on to me for being marriage-minded.
For the record, this is baring my heart in a rather scary way.
....
I desperately want to feel wanted.
I want to have the feeling that the person across from me is the only one I want to spend the rest of my life.
I don't want a hookup in a car in Sprinker's parking lot or a boy to hold my hand for a week only to give up on my indecisive freshmen self.
I want someone to love me; to wait for me; to be there for me; to change the world alongside me.
I don't want a stupid relationship that consists of hooking up and being with someone simply for the sake of not being alone.
I want love songs to relate to my life.
I want to be in love.
There, I said it.
I realize Hollywood has glammed it up more then it actually is, but maybe I'm just one of those hopeless people who will always believe love is the greatest, and most wonderful in its purest form.
Maybe I'm just crazy.
Either way, I will continue to dream about the man I'll one day wake up next to with a cheesy grin on my face.
Then, we'll go out and change the world.
So you can run and tell that.

You+Passion=Unknown

I was innocently making my name brick, which I've done every year for the past 3 years, when it hit me.
What do I love?
Well, that's easy, I have lots of different interests.
Like....
Oh gosh, what do I like?
Well, I think I'd like to do missions and travel.
Yeah, but what do you love?
I.... Love....
.....
I don't know what I love.
I don't. 
Let me rephrase that. I know what I love.
I just don't think I'm good enough at it, because something in me will always compare myself to someone better.
So here's a list of all the things I love.
I love:
-walking by babies in grocery stores and getting them to smile when their parents aren't looking.
-taking pictures of people, places, things.
-feeling intelligent
-having friends that understand me and love me
-plane rides going somewhere. Not so much coming back.
-Airports
-Food
-Georgia
-Hugs that are not awkward
-Sunsets
-Trees
-The idea of being set apart to do great works for He that is holy.
-my future husband who I don't know and haven't spent much time pondering as of lately
-Laughing 'til my stomach hurts
-Jumping on trampolines
-Music that takes you to a better place.
-Helping people, Loving on them, Knowing I'm making a difference.
I think I know what I love a little bit more now.
Blogspot saves the day yet again.