I Will Exalt, I think.

Last year, at this time, I was getting drunk in the hopes of feeling something.

And all it ever did was make me feel more alone.

I'd like to think everything has changed, but maybe it hasn't.

It took everything in me to turn down weed the other day, even if I have made commitments to live a certain way.

But on the bright side, I'm realizing love guided by emotions isn't really love at all. 

I have to make the choice to love people. 

I have to make the choice to not push you away, again, because you don't meet my ridiculous expectations. 

I have to make the choice to love Jesus, even when I feel as if he's just some far off deity that doesn't really hear my prayers or heal. I won't always live in Christian community. But I do now. 

And after two weeks at home, I'm already beginning to doubt everything I experiened over the past 3 months. 

I don't want faith to be a feeling or a sensation built on what I experience when I'm surrounded by people that claim to love You, and hear You, and do Your will.

Prove Yourself Faithful, if it's not too much to ask.

I already have my fair share of trust issues. 

But I trust in You.

This is how it works. I think.

I just think there's something to be said for the vulnerable. 

My heart might shatter much more easily then I would like, but I'd rather feel things too deeply than not at all.

I don't believe loving someone could ever go to waste. 

I might say I love you too easily, and I might put my heart on the line only to have it run over by a runaway train, but I'd rather love people relentlessly, because they deserve it, than give up. 

I am in my feelings tonight.

Damn you, Coldplay. 

Are we there yet?

I shouldn't have to work this hard for a friendship. 

If you really wanted to be around me, you would be. 

And that's all I have to say about that. 

If I stay in one place, I lose my mind.

There will always be some longing within my soul to get very lost in the woods and to never find my way out. 

Living for the Thrill of It.

I like having a blog.

It's like maybe, if I put these words out there, for the world to see, the one person they are written about will see them too.

And then all the emotions I bottle up, and hold back, will already be out there for the world to feel.

And there would be nothing I could do to stop it.

Birds.

All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you.

Birds can fly so high, and they can shit on your head,

and they can almost fly into your eye, and make you feel so scared, 

but when you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful,

that's how I feel about you.

In too deep.

And Another.

I don't want to ever let my heart be so consumed by the things I don't have.

Because I have everything I could ever need.

And on top of that, I have the greatest people in the world to call my friends and family.

I'm going to make it.

Love for your money.

Sometimes, it literally feels like too much for my emotions to handle that some people have so much, and others have so little.

I got a $300 medical bill in the mail today, and with no money to pay it, I had to call my mom and dump that problem on her. My mom, who can't even afford her medicine, and has hospital bills that probably total over a million dollars. 

So what do I do? Do I call the people I know with money and beg for a loan, knowing they will hold me accountable to paying back every penny? 

Do I abandon this dream of living radically for the sake of my family?

And then there are people around me who are missing meals and going hungry. Meanwhile, the people in their mansions on the hills of Honolulu are looking down and they don't see the poverty of the people.

So while mass amounts of Americans were out shopping last night for things they probably don't need, I was out camping on the north shore of Hawaii,  surrounded by homeless people, just trying to survive.  Sleeping 10 ft from the nicest man I know who woul give you the sweater off his back, and die of hypothermia in the process, if it meant you weren't so cold. Yet, this man has absolutely no money and is missing meals. 

The world's just not fair. And I can't save him, because in a month, that person with no money will be me.   

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

On Sandcastles.

I'm building my sandcastle so high.

It's got a mote, and a bridge, and a flag, and these walls around it to make sure it never falls, but when that tide comes in, nothing will stop my sandcastle from falling down.

And will this be worth it then?

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Broken.

This is history repeating itself.

Hold on while I pick my heart up off the floor while I lose respect for the person I loved most.

On another note.

It's really emotionally exhausting to think that I'm invested in the lives of people that I love and care about, and in a month, they will leave.

And half of them, I will probably never see again.

Is this what I signed up for?

What A Beautiful Mess This Is.

I'm not sure if I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams, or if it's just really beginning.

All I know is that today, I'm thankful for the things I can't put into words.

And I'm so grateful that someone was willing to hold me yesterday, while I dry heaved my snotty nose and tears all over them. 

I'm really good at handling things, until there's some sort of opposition.

And I don't want to feel weak, but I know my heart is sensitive for a reason.

And I don't want to carry these burdens and lies I keep telling myself, but they're all I've ever known. 

And now you're calling me to live in freedom, and security in You, and who You say I am.

And that's scary.

Please just tell me healing is out there.

And that one day, I'll be the strong woman I've always wanted to be.

Because yesterday, I just couldn't be strong.

So I wept.

And today, I'm not feeling too strong either.

But I know I'm in the place I need to be to experience the healing my heart longs for.

I've got freedom on my mind.

On Boy-Girl Friendships.

I guess maybe I should be worried that you're the first person that comes to mind when I get really excited or really sad.

And maybe I should be concerned that you make me laugh more than any one else does.

Or MAYBE I'm just being spoon fed the beliefs of those around me that I am not competent or capable enough to hang out with a man and not let my emotions get in the way.

I don't like him. That's the beauty of our friendship. Do I love him and totally want the best for him in every single way? 

Yes. 

Is he hands down, my favorite person to be around?

Absolutely. 

Do I feel like i can be 100% myself around him and not worry about being judged? 

For sure.

 

I get that I'm a sand castle. And that one day, I'll get left behind for some beautiful woman. 

But I'd like to have this God glorifying friendship with a guy who convinces me that good guys do exist, and that they actually think girls like me are cool. Or something.

And that's fine. I just can't hang out with him too much or laugh too loudly at his jokes. And while we're at it, I should probably avoid him altogether.

Christian community. It is not always easy.

Apology for the One Who Won't Read It.

I'm sorry for the way we confronted you.

I'm sorry you trusted me with things, and I lost your respect and your trust by telling someone else.

I'm sorry that's the vision we gave you of religion.

I'm sorry we made you feel like a hooker.

I'm sorry that from that night forward, our friendship was never the same.

I'm sorry that it eventually led to a falling out.

I'm sorry for the things I said, to your face, and behind your back.

I'm sorry your family won't even talk to me now. 

I'm sorry my family now lives two blocks from yours.

I'm sorry for all of it.

And you'll never read this. 

But I hope by putting it out there, the guilt and the shame is washed from my hands.

I had no right to do what I did, but i was only 15, and I was just trying to make it through. 

So yeah.

I mean every word of this. 

Maybe one day, I can actually say it to your face.
'

Higher. Deeper. Called.

The truth is, I'm only living a fraction of as radically as I want to.

So maybe it's okay that I'm only being supported with a fraction of what I think I need.

But that does instill some fear in me, both for the future and the fact that this is my heart.

This is my calling.

There is no other way.

There is no other answer.

If I don't pour my heart out for those starving children, those girls being sold into sex-trafficking, those women being beaten and bruised, I will not be content.

I will not be fulfilled.

I will not be happy.

I will not be where I need to be.

So take your white-picket fence, and your laundry machines, and your belief that if I don't fund raise a thousand a month, I won't make it.

It's not that I think I have something you don't.

It's just that, would you be doing this if you missed meals, for lack of money? Would you be doing this if it were uncomfortable, all the time? Would you be doing this if it put your life at risk?

Because I would. I am. I will.

And it's scary, because I'm giving up on my own dreams to pursue these God-given ones.

But You have called me higher, You have called me deeper, and I'll go where you will lead me, Lord.

Funds.

Feeling happy, but oh so hopeless.

Humble Beginnings.

I don't ever remember it being this hard, but I'm sure there were times that it was.

And I don't want to feel that I'm running from my problems, so I'm doing the scariest thing possible.

Trusting that good things are around the corner for those I love most.

Trusting that soon, my mom will be able to afford her medicine, without having to worry about whether that check for groceries will clear.

Trusting that soon, maybe there will be a house to replace this tiny motel room.

Trusting that soon, these struggles will be behind us.

And that everything will work out the way it is meant to.

Even if it requires sacrifice. 

If you wouldn't mind shooting up a prayer for my family, I would be incredibly grateful.

What they don't tell you is saying yes is hard, and scary.
And I can't seem to decide if I want to be there right this second, or if I ever want to be there at all.

Because, the truth is, my bank account will never have enough, not every one I love is going to support what I'm choosing to do, and nothing is "mine" anymore.

Welcome to the joys of taking a risk. Now, I know I'm alive.

And I know I'm making the right decision, because it's the one that scares me the most.

My God Guide.

I think every single struggle I've had with Christianity has gone back to what the people who are claiming to be Christians are doing.

So, it's been a few years coming, but I've figured out the niche I fit in to. 

I think I go to church to be encouraged. I don't want rules shoved down my throat, and I don't want another lesson about how I need to be praying for the lost souls of this earth.

I want to learn about Jesus.

Show me how He loved. Let His love shine through me.

Have you read about Jesus?

Or did you close the book after Genesis?

Because, if you skip the first few hundred pages, a man named Jesus comes along. And he changes the game.

He does the opposite of what the so-called religious do. He dies for many, and saves the world.

And if I make that sound cavalier, that's not my intention.

Because the truth is, it is a big deal.

And if God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all for one, and one for all, then God is good.

Because Jesus was, and is.

So what I wanted to say, is I've fit myself in this little niche, where I really just try to love people. 
And when I pray for them, I try to genuinely pray for them. 

And maybe, in doing this, and being authentic, and leaving God to judge, because that is the LAST thing I am meant to do on this earth, I can undo the wrong that so many "Christians" have done.

Maybe, one day, I can talk to my homosexual uncle about religion, because he no longer feels burned by it..

Maybe, one day, we can stop giving LGBT people and couples dirty looks when they come to church seeking a community where they too, can be uplifted.

Maybe, we can stop slut shaming.

Maybe, we can give a little more to the poor, and a little less to the multi-millionare pastors.

Maybe, we can all go to gay pride, and apologize for every cruel word or action that has ever been done to the gay and lesbian communities.

Maybe, we can learn to love like Jesus did. 

Maybe, it's just a dream of mine.

Maybe, I can't change the world.

But, atleast I can make a difference.

So today, when you try to convince yourself of all the reasons you left that Christian title behind, or stopped opening your bible, or wearing your cross necklace, maybe you should evaluate what changed. Because if I'm reading the bible correctly, God is constant. God doesn't change. His sacrifice doesn't change. His love doesn't change. His forgiveness never falters.

So why did it all stop?

Because there's nothing wrong with being more like Jesus. That man loved. 

Be My Strength.

When I was in Hawaii, I felt invincible.
But the truth is, I was just surrounded by people who were trying to support, encourage, and love me.
I was living in community with people who were trying to be better.

So I came home amped.
I figured whatever hurtful things my family, or anyone said, I would just be able to immediately call them out on.

But it turns out, this is still a struggle area.

And maybe it will always be.

Because you could use your words to run me over with a car, and then put it in reverse and back over me, and I would probably take it. Not necessarily with a grin, but I definitely wouldn't be able to tell you how much you've hurt me.

So that quote by Eleanor, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

As much as I'd like to say I live by that, I guess I consent to a lot more cruel words than what I actually deserve.

And I try to remind myself that I am not as fragile as I once was, and that this is all a growing process.

I just wish I could say what I was feeling in the moment instead of fuming over it later while I vent to my mom.

I was born to be compassionate, not a punching bag.

There Was Another Time in My Life.

A few years back, about this time, I thought my life was falling apart.

But it didn't. And I got stronger. And we all moved on.

What I thought was the end was just the beginning.

This still makes my heart happy.

I'm having trouble coping.

I just.... don't have any words.

I'll never understand why this is happening. Because you are a good man, who has lived a life marked with beauty and selflessness. 

And you have an amazing daughter, and a beautiful fiance.

And I just wish things could be different.

Like I could attend a beautiful wedding instead.

Where the woman I have loved for the past five years gets to say yes to the man I have seen completely change her life for the better.

I don't think I have anything more to say.

Except I'll probably keep to myself for a while. 

I Have Nothing.

I was raised in an environment where I was allowed to express my creativity.

And maybe you think that made me weird, but I know that it made me who I am.

And I didn't think that person was bad.

That's what I want for those I love.

Is there someone I can call?

Because this has all just become too much.

And I'm sick of venting about my issues to those that love me.

Because I'm scared you'll all get sick of hearing it.

Let's do some math.

Five people text me and I only reply to one.

Am I really still in that deep?

And are we becoming those people we couldn't stand because they couldn't make up their mind about what they wanted?

Because you know what you want, and that's clear.

But I've been indecisive since the day I was born. 

Never stopping.

I think going to school will be my settling down.

Because the truth is, I'm more excited for the future than I've ever been.

And the reason is because I know the adventures that await.

And I have a pretty good idea of the struggles, but I'm going to get through those.

Because when you've been called, all you have to do is say yes.

<3

SESA

I think I suffer from this terrible thought that nothing about myself is ever good enough.

Is there a recovery group for that?

Self-Esteem Struggles Anonymous?

Away We Go.

What if he's not always nice?

What if he doesn't take care of you like you thought he would?

Will he do the dishes?

Will he go to all those lame family functions?

Will he go to church on Sunday, maybe not for Jesus, but just so you don't have to go alone?

Will he say mean things to you when you fight?

Will he teach Joey how to play football

Will he try to control us?

Will he hold you when you cry?

Will he support you?

Will he always be truthful?

Will he work hard to build a life together?

Will he even bother to get to know me?

Will I be forgotten when I'm gone?

Things weren't perfect, but they were good. 

But we're fine on our own.

I guess it's just scary that anyone can walk out and never come back.

Leave the key on the table, lock the door behind them, and never be seen again.

Just don't try coming back.

We're better off without you anyway.

Some things do change, I guess.

It's cool to talk to my dad about things like God, and marriage, and the crazy, unconventional dates I go on.

And I like when he gives me advice.

And that he supports what I'm doing with my life.

A lot of my "daddy issues" came out in Hawaii, and I think a lot of healing happened there.

It's a long road to recovery, and I know he can't go back and change all the times he missed birthdays, and said he'd call, but never did. And I can't pretend that those things didn't hurt me.

But I think maybe I'm just beginning to accept that just because he couldn't be the father I wanted him to be doesn't mean he loved me any less. 

And I think my heart was set free a little bit more when I truthfully forgave him for those shortcomings.

I love you Dad. I really do.

It turns out, you're right.

Looks like I'll be spending Christmas in Hawaii.

Which means one full year away from home.

But home is a relative word.

I think home is where there's love and acceptance.

And if that's the case, I'm going to make the world my home.

Who says Christmas in Hawaii can't be as wonderful as Christmas in Columbus?

Ménière’s Disease

I've never been diagnosed with a disease before, and I've been healthy almost all my life.

Which is why I'm terrified to go to the doctor.

Because incurable is a scary word.

And I'm only 19.

Someone hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay.

On death.

It's crazy to think that death has the power to strengthen marriages or to end them.

Tonight, I saw one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. 

Charlotte, a beautiful lady on the inside and out, stood over her deceased mother's body and said goodbye for the last time. Then, her husband came up, said it's time, and she and him walked away hand in hand. 

And that's love.

I don't know how long they've been married for, but I know that a love like that is meant to last.

Because these next few days and weeks are going to be hard for her. But I also know she won't have to face them alone.

And that is a love worth waiting for.

You are good.

It's a drink earl-grey tea and don't stress about the fact that I'm terrified for what September will bring kind of day.

Because things change, but You remain faithful.

Weekend.

The events that happened this past weekend deserve a blog post, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes to put my feelings down in words yet.

I'm disgusted with myself.

Carry On.

I'm trying to do this on my own. 

But the thing is I can't.

And there's no need for a sob story.

So when I show up in Hawaii with no money, I just hope and pray people believe in what I'm doing enough to support me.

Because I am giving all my money to the poor.

It just turns out the poor are a lot closer than I originally thought. 

So here's to trust:

Trusting that my family loves me enough to support me, even if they think I'm making a terrible decision that will drastically affect the rest of my life.

Trusting that my mom and my little brother are going to be okay without me around.

Trusting for guidance and provision.

Are you ok with you?

And just you?

Response.

I think it's interesting to think about the things I wanted 4 years ago or even 6 months.

I was husband hungry, or at the very least desperate for affection and someone to listen and confirm the fact that I was witty, or interesting, or even pretty.

And then I went to Hawaii.

And I found myself in a relationship that, at first, was everything I wanted.

And 1 month in, I realized it wasn't.

It wasn't the person, because to this day, I still think he is a solid guy.

And it wasn't that I fell in love with someone else, because that didn't happen either.

I just realized that the things I had thought I wanted all along, were now becoming the things that would hold me back from a dream.

And I realized I couldn't stop, I couldn't slow down, and I couldn't change for anyone. 

So the relationship ended, and I started to fly solo. Which is basically what I've known for the past 19 years I've been alive.

But this time, everything was different.

My perspective had changed in literally every way possible.

Yes, I still want to be loved.

Yes, I still want someone to vent to at the end of a terrible day.

Yes, I still want to be told I'm beautiful.

But I don't need those things anymore within the context of a relationship.

Because what isn't stressed enough about relationships is that they take work, and they require sacrifice.

And at this point in my life, I don't have that to give.

And I won't for a while.

Because right now, those child prostitutes, and dying children around the world mean WAY more to me than any guy could.

So, here's to waiting for the right guy.

And being okayyyyyy with being alone, and not being bitter about the fact that I am.

Because, one day, I'll be in the right place at the right time.

And I'll meet someone who is JUST as passionate about loving people as I am.

I have big dreams for the person he will be.

But right now, I'm not ready for that person to be a part of my life. 

So why should I complain about another dateless friday? 

Because artificial relationships only end in heartbreak anyway. 

There is so much more.

"When I heard the news,

my heart fell on the floor.

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore.

In these troubled times it's hard enough as it is.

My soul has a known a better life than this.

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,

while others don't seem to feel a thing.

Then I curse my whiteness

and I get so damn depressed.

In a world of suffering,

why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a women who lives in Colorado.

She built a monument of sorts behind the garage door,

where everyday she prays for all whom are born

and all whose souls have passed on.

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick,

I can't see how I'm gonna get through it.

But, then I'd rather be stuck up in a tree

then be tied to it.

There is so much more.

I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit.

I cant get used to my body's limits.

I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues.

They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing.

I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete.

I need to get out of this city.

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky,

wondering where I go when I die.

...When I die."

-Brett Dennen

“Each time a (wo)man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, (s)he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

-Robert Kennedy

Just some thoughts for the day.

I wasn't made for a world where the difference of our skin tones should matter.

An update, of sorts.

May 6th-Come home to Georgia.

May 8th-Get a job working 40 hours a week. I don't love it, but it will do for now.

May 22nd-Sexual harassment gets WAYYYY out of hand, and I make the grown up decision to quit my job. He should have been the one fired, let's be real. My supervisor was told,  but rather than stir up problems, I just walked out and I never went back.

May 28th-Get a new job. In sales. I suck at sales.

May 30th, 31st, and June 1st-Go to 18 HOURS of unpaid training for this new sales job.

June 3rd-Quit my second job in my first month home.

June 4th-Get a new job.

June 4th-Get a call from Bath & Body saying they need someone and have been waiting for me to come back.

June 4th-Get an e-mail for a nanny job starting in August working with an amazing 6 year old girl.<3

THANK YOU STARS FOR ALIGNING!

Maybe the lesson here is that I can't do it all on my own.

Everybody needs some help every once in a while.

Rollercoaster.

I remember the highs and lows of the past three years pretty well.

And I remember the anxiety and depression a low brought, and the happiness and joy a high brought.

Wresting season my sophomore year, that was a low. I dreaded every single day of going to practice.

And then when I tried out volleyball my senior year. That was another low. Those were the moments where I dreaded the thought of having to make a decision that was going to God forbid, let someone down. 

And then came highs.

The biggest high of my life was being in Hawaii, and it wasn't because I was living 15 minutes from one of the most beautiful beaches in the world.

It was being fulfilled. It was doing a "job" and doing it well, because I loved it so much.

Whether or not I saw the impact my job was making, I loved every single moment.

I loved being on my feet all day, every other Thursday, giving out hundreds of pounds of food, so that over 800 families could eat for another week.

I loved walking the streets of Wahiawa, where the kids that don't want to go home roam alongside the drug addicts, the drug dealers, and the prostitutes.

I loved believing; believing good guys exist in abundance, believing I can make a difference, believing God is good, all the time. 

I loved all of it.

I loved living in a two bedroom, cockroach infested(no joke) apartment with 13 other girls.

I loved having to share all my food and clothes.

I loved the things that weren't easy to accept.

I loved the people who generally went unnoticed or ignored.

I loved the broken, and I embraced the world and the people around me for what they could be, not what they are.

I fell in love, with it all.

And I experienced complete and total happiness in the midst of complete and total surrender to a call that has been placed on my life all along; a call to live simply. And to give all I have to the poor. And when I'm out of clothes and out of money, I hope to know I'll still have lots of love.

Because the Beatles had it right, that is all you need.

So suffice to say, I'm in a low. 

But I'm on the up & up.

And when I'm embarking on my journey back to Hawaii, the lows will all be worth it.

Just to be completely and totally 

happy.

On my mind.

-Think of all the people you could love if you would just let bitterness out of your heart.

-Screw sleep. Don't miss opportunities for the sake of a solid 8 hours.

-Sometimes, people only want "pretty" people in their photos. So take selfies.

-Love with all you have.

-I hope I make LOTS of mistakes. Because the beauty of it all is that it's my life.. I have to live with the decisions I make. And so far, making the choice to do something different than college was the best choice I've ever made. That one was all me.

-I deserve better. You set the standard high, and now I know better than to settle. So thanks for that. And thank you for loving me with your whole heart. I know you did.

-I know some really great guys. And I'm thankful, because I'm starting to realize these kinds of guys are rare and hard to come by.

-Burnt popcorn isn't worth eating.

-Working a full-time job is hard.

That is all.

Truth.

It's not that I don't love Washington.

I'm just saying, I'm a little sick of living off of 3 dollars, out of a suitcase, and on people's sympathy.

BRING ME HOME.

Please?

Last night on Earth

Last night, I happened to look at the clock right before I went to bed, which I rarely ever do.

It read 8:31. At the exact same time, my great-grandpa drew his last breath.

Just the day prior to that, my grandma and I had gone to visit him on a whim, wrapping our minds around the fact that it might the last time we ever did.

It was heart-breaking.

Most of the time, he slept and moaned.

As I was preparing to leave, I held his hand, and he gripped mine.

I told him I loved him, and he whispered, almost soundlessly, that he loved me.

Then, he did his famous wink.

And I squeezed his hand one more time and left.

R.I.P. Grandpa.

 Thank you for teaching me how to fish and always putting my worm on the hook, because I was too squeemish to. 

Thank you for teaching me how to spell Mississippi.

Most of all, thank you for your love.

Vashon Living.

I was all stoked for this.

Then, I remembered..

 I hate being alone.

Secrets, Secrets.

I'm leaving half of my things in Hawaii, because in less than 5 months, I'll be moving back.

This time, for a lot longer.

It might be the best decision I have ever made.

So if you really want to, you can run and tell that.

We were born to live boldly.
I fear rejection.
I fear failure.
I fear letting my family down for the sake of happiness.
But I'm doing this awesome, beautiful thing called follow my heart.
My passions have been amplified and I have been ignited into my destiny.
So maybe I'll let those I love down.
Maybe I'll die sharing the Gospel with beautiful orphan children in India.
Maybe I'll never live in Washington again.
Maybe I'll never go to school.
Maybe I'll barely make it by.

But I will be as happy as a clam.
Because even though I know the suffering ahead,
I also know that there is love, and hope, and undeserved grace.

So I'm rolling with that.

The Power of Declaration.

Words are powerful, and whether we want to believe it or not, they have the power to make or break us.

In my five months in Georgia, words were used to tear me down.

I'll really never know if my family will understand just how much they hurt me, but the biggest mistake of all was accepting the things they were telling me about myself.

I was being spoon fed so many lies, and my mom wasn't enough to convince me that they weren't true.

So I soaked them in.

I looked in the mirror and said I wasn't pretty enough.

I stepped on the scale and said I wasn't skinny enough.

I felt like a failure, so I constantly told myself I was stupid.

And the said thing is, other people, who claim to love me, were telling me these things themselves.

And maybe it was just because they ddin't understand the war I was waging within myself.

In those five months, I felt meek and small and more depressed than I've ever felt in my life.

With every tear I cried, I began to accept more and more that I was a weak human being and not worthy of much.

And everytime I accepted a new lie, I found another reason to hate myself.

And nothing anybody said was enough to pull me out of that;

I was consistently told I was beautiful by a solid boyfriend and an amazing mom.

But for whatever reason, we absorb the blows more than the band-aids for the wounds.

And no one would have been able to say anything that would convince me that the lies I'd been told were wrong.

Then, I came to Surfing the Nations.

And I found love.

I found grace.

I found encouragement.

I found beauty in everything around me.

I found the love I needed more than anything wasn't any a man could provide.

And at long last, I learned the power of declaration.

I learned the strongholds that once consumed me do not define me. 

I make my own declarations about myself.

So I choose to declare that I was made beautiful.

I declare that my body is a temple in every way, shape, and form.

My hands were crafted to serve.

My legs were made to run.

My mouth was made to taste, my eyes were made to see, my nose was made to smell, and my heart was made to love.

And they are all in proper working order.

I declare that I am smart. I ask questions because I want to know more. My brain works differently than yours, and that's a beautiful thing. If we all thought and reasoned the same way, where would the innovators be? Where would the inventors be? We were created to be different.

I declare that I will no longer think of the things that make me who I am as a curse. It is a blessing that I am awkward. I am grateful for the quirks that make me who I am.

Lastly, I declare that I was made for great things.
I will not settle for less. I will not give up the dream that sets my soul on fire.
I have been tested in so many ways, but I am growing.
And I know I'm right where I belong.

In case you're reading.

"How can I forget your love?

How can I never see you again?

There’s a time and place

For one more sweet embrace

And is time 

when it all 

Went wrong

I guess you know by now

That we will meet again somehow

Oh baby

How can I begin again?

How can I try to love someone new?

Someone who isn’t you

How can our love be true?

When I’m not, ooh

I’m not over you

I guess you know by now

That we will meet again somehow

Time can come and take away the pain

But I just want my memories to remain

To hear your voice

To see your face

There’s not one moment I’d erase

You are a guest here now

So baby

How can I forget your love?

How can I never see you again?

How can I ever know why some stay and others go?

When I don’t, ooh

I don’t want you to go

I guess I know by now

That we will meet again somehow

Time can come and wash away the pain

But I just want my mind to stay the same

To hear your voice

To see your face

There’s not one moment I’d erase

You are a guest here now

So baby

How can I forget your love?

How can I never see you again?"

-Regina Spektor