Okay, we get it.

You're beautiful. 

Now stop posting pictures of your beautiful self on Facebook. 

Demons.

It isn't the storm that makes the ocean dangerous. 

When I think of us..

I think of teamwork. 

And commitment.

And disliking the same people for the same reasons.

And respect.

And an acceptance of who we each are as a person.

And giggles.

And late night tea dates accompanied by deep conversations, and good morning kisses, and shared responsibilities, and equality without submission, and bookstores, and road trips, and big dogs, and porch swings, and organic foods, and gardens, and real Christmas trees, and raising children, and just building a life together. 

It still seems far, but it does seem possible. 

Words of Wisdom.

"I guess in the end, things seldom end up as you expect. Sometimes, fate is on your side. Other times, well, you've kind of sealed your own fate. Either way, you have to trust that whatever's supposed to happen, will happen. Besides, somehow you always seem to end up with the person you're supposed to be with."

-J.D.

Season 3 of Scrubs.

Top 5 Loves.

In no specific order.

-Children 

-Adventures, travels, and new sights

-Making people happy

-Music

-Good Conversation that generally leads to a more optimistic outlook on life, and less loneliness.

Why Am I The One.

I used to think about the type of person I wanted to be when I was in a relationship, and I always thought I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, because I wasn't that person yet.

And I was just thinking that maybe you can't be that person ever, or completely prepare yourself for anything. You just have to take the leap, because perfection will never come. 

And while thinking all these things, I also thought about how I am more of the person I want to be around you. But how you also accept me for the person I am. 

I think I'm trying to say everything is easier when you're dating your best friend. 

Let's just go with that. 

Penny for Your Thoughts.

Every time something terrible happens, I think the end of the world must be coming soon. 
Because how much sadness can one world bare?

Then, I remember that the killing and the hate, those have always gone on.

And the only person who has lived long enough to see it all is God.

And if my heart breaks from the things I've seen, then His loving, full of mercy heart must be shattered.

And this is where my issues begin. 

I don't think He's here at all. I believe He exists. I just would like to believe that if He had the power to control any of these things, they wouldn't be happening. 

I won't let you break me.

"To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don't let it."

-Ernest Hemingway

When I go.

Make the Most.

For a while, I didn't understand why things were happening the way they were, because my life was defined by how happy I felt. 

And without you, I didn't feel happy at all.

But being here, my eyes have been opened to a lot of things, and I've really been inspired by the people I've met. 

My two best friends here are lesbians. And they have more love for each other than most of the straight couples I know. And to get married, they will have to drive 13 hours to Maryland. Then, when they come back to Georgia, the state will refuse to acknowledge that they are legally married. The South still has so many prejudices that they are judged everywhere they go, but that doesn't stop them. I wish I could have an ounce of the courage they have; to be so open about who they love, when so much of the bible belt society considers their actions "sinful," and feels the need to express their judgement. I was raised by a gay man, so I've never even thought twice about the fact that some people in the world think that the love two women or men have for each other could be based on something other than love. And I don't think I've ever openly said it, but I think people are born gay and lesbian, I don't think they choose to be that way. And some of my religious issues stem from this, but I'm keeping those to myself this time.

I was also really blessed with a second job, that I should really thank my aunt for, because it is the greatest job there ever could be. I get to spend my mornings hanging out with a 20 month old girl named Isabelle, and a 6 year old boy named Ben. Not only are they the sweetest kids ever, but their mom is also one of a kind. We quickly bonded over our love of FUN, and since then, we've bonded over everything in between. I've vented to her for literally hours, about everything from how stupidly difficult and expensive the adoption process can be, to how dumb it is that the South can't accept standards the rest of the US has grown to accept. She knows my frustrations, my dreams, my beliefs, my fears, and I also know hers. I guess in a way, without actually doing it, I was hoping and praying for someone to come along who would listen and understand, and also inspire me. And she's done all those things. 

So even though I miss my friends, and I miss you, so much that it hurts, I'm trying to say that it hasn't been all bad. 

It's actually turned into an incredible 4 months. 

But i'm ready to come home now.

One May Die So Lonely.

Remind me again just what you were saying

When you walked in the room, when the music was playing

When I was lost too, but in my own thoughts

and I could not find you.

Tell me your story, I'm listening this time

I can get us some glasses and a bottle of wine

We can sit on the carpet, sit on the table or sit on the moon

You can reach for my hand 

You can say what you like

Or just what you just can't stand

Be aboy or a little old man, be what you want, even nothing at all

Just Be with me

Why not forgive us, quit holding your breath 

You reach with your right hand like it's all that's left

With a knock of the door

But I love all your ankles

You fall on my floor

You roll your eyes

You're so sick of this

Gave me the bracelet I placed on your wrist

you lost it and lets face it 

I think we both lost it

a little bit

I know you're living in London

Cause you keep on complaining 

where is the sunshine, it always is raining

It's all I am hearing, skies ain't clearing

Your eyes keep on tearing 

You're missing New York

But do you miss me?

Do you miss our talks?

Do you miss our touching and our midnight walks? 

Do you miss the ocean?

Do you miss the sand?

Do you miss me at all, miss seerman?

And

I have to laugh like crazy

I really think you're crazy

You might as well ask me if the hot day's hazy

If you left I still maybe 

Have I ever laid lazy with you on the grass

Lets get something straight 

Cause I really do hate

This feeling that's growing 

To think you're not knowing

Wherever I may run 

Even if it's dumb

I love only you

You are the only one

So it really doesn't matter

If I'm sorta having fun

If for a cruel, split second

I get a glimpse of the sun

Whether singing on the stages or filling up the pages

Something's undone

And this song ends here

Cause you're really, really weird

We haven't said a word in over a year

It just gives me hope

like music is a rope 

to hold you right here

And I'm sorry for these lines, 

and  I'm sorry for my crimes

and I'm sorry for the oceans I sails all the times

if i ever gave you something it probably was the notion 

I"ll never give you nothing, but a very hard time  

-Jaymay

Dry Your Tears.

I have the inability to show love for my father, because he has the inability to give a damn about me.

But I'm taking that out on people I shouldn't.

I feel bad for you. Because even though I hated that you got to have the dad i wanted around, it turns out he wasn't the father he should have been to either of us.

And whether I like it or not, we are sisters.

So I promise to try. 

I think I was searching for a resolution, for a problem that doesn't exist.

Giving Up.

Somewhere in the world, a man is dying. 

And he's counting on God to be healed. He's hopeful. He's hoping to pull through for his beautiful, loving, fiance, incredible, talented daughter, and good looking dog. 

And guess what? 

It's happening all over the world.

Hearts are breaking, children are being raped and abused, and people are getting killed for their religious beliefs, ethnicity, and sexuality. 

And I really would like to believe in a Saviour. 


But I'm just not sure I do anymore. 

I would give up everything.

To see you happy.

Don't want your picture on my cell phone.

I want you here with me.

But I know better than to get my hopes up. 

If only.

I wish I could give you a solid answer. 

I would tell you everything, and be so reassuring if I knew what I wanted myself.

“There's a time when a (wo)man needs to fight and a time when (s)he needs to accept that his her destiny's lost, the ship has sailed and that only a fool will continue.  

The truth is I've always been a fool.”

-Big Fish

Bad News Bears.

So Long Auburn.

Adios UGA. 

Thanks for the dream.

Out of Sight

Day 8: I'm thankful for those moments when I don't feel so out of place, and alone. They're rare, but they do happen.
Day 9: I'm thankful for the kiddos I get to spend my Friday mornings with. They are so full of love, and they give the best hugs. When I walk into the class, they all gasp and say "CASEY'S HERE!" It's the most adorable thing.
Day 10: I'm thankful for my cousin Ashley. One time, when I was like 6, and she was 3, we were going on a fishing trip with our grandpa, and my grandpa went into the gas station to get worms, and I was told to not let Ashley out of her car seat under any circumstance. And then my Papaw went inside, and my damn cousin, with her sly ways, encouraged my 6 year old self to let her out. And she bit me. Then she started throwing things, and thrashing. She was a brat, and I was a pushover. I'm glad she got past that stage. I love you Ashley. We can be outcasts in this family together. When our time comes, we'll blossom, and they'll realize they were wrong about us. We're doing just fine. You're beautiful. Do your own thing, and screw what they say. They had their chance to be young. Now it's your turn.
Day 11: I'm thankful for church. I'm not saying I believe everything they're telling me, but the nice thing is, it's not being spoon fed to me. Or forced down my throat. Their approach is different. They're real with who they are as a group, and they accept real people. The vibes form the church are just altogether different than any one I've ever been to. The pastor's approach is "Hey, life with Jesus, it's better. I'm not saying believe what I believe, I'm just saying I've lived both ways. And now I'm living the better one" 
Day 12: I'm thankful for realizations. I am so grateful for the fact that I have two jobs that I, for the most part, love. But I realized something yesterday, and that was that I'm not ready to be a working adult. I was thinking this lifestyle was easy, and I would just skip school altogether, but unless I do that for the sake of helping people, I won't do that at all. I'm not going to give up going to school, so I can sell lotion and make barely enough to live off of. Suffice to say, the plan I developed before I got here didn't work out as I had hoped. But I wouldn't call this a mistake. Two months from today, I'll be headed off to Hawaii. And that has been my dream for the past year. A year ago, I never thought I'd actually be preparing to do this, but I am. It required some sacrifices, and it wouldn't have been possible  if I were going to school full time. So I guess I'm saying maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe.
Day 13: I'm thankful for learning to accept myself for the person that I am.

“If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.” 

― Siddhārtha Gautama

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

― Siddhārtha Gautama

One Foot in the Door.

I think I've made up my my mind.

If I don't fall in love with a school here, or decide to permanently stay in Hawaii, I will transfer to Western, and deal with out-of-state tuition for a year.

I'm under that PNW spell. 

And I'm ready to come home. 

My Best Self Hasn't Happened Yet.

Day 6: I'm thankful for politics. Whether you like them or not, they bring about change. And I'm excited to see what Obama does his second term. 

Day 7: I'm thankful that the man who raised me now has the right to marry the person of his choice. And that he plans to exercise that right soon. <3

For the glory of God-response

I ask myself those questions too.
And I cry, and I get angry, because I consider them my family. And why the hell would God do something like this? If he doesn't control the bad things, then why can't he do the good thing and heal him? 

Maybe it's because He doesn't care at all. I'm not denying His existance, I'm just wondering where His master Hand is at work in all this sadness?
So I watch from a distance as the woman I love loses the love of her life. 
And I try to read my bible, and I just get so frustrated. 


Because I don't think I'll ever believe like I once did. 
Atleast not all of it.
I know he knows he's going to heaven, and if that's where he's going to be, then that's where she'll be.
And you can tell me, theologically, that's not right.
And I'll say screw you. Because you've never dealt with this, and if God can't heal him, then the least He can do is allow them to be together. 

Also, if anyone's mouthing off or disrespecting her, do me a favor & punch them in the face. Just make sure you do it when she's not looking.

Also, don't tell her I told you that.  

Yesterday Sucked.

But there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

Day 4 : I'm thankful that I was raised in Parkland, and more specifically, not here. I'm grateful for knowing that I am not perfect, and coming to accept that I will never be good enough for some people. I could be the next fricken Mother Teresa, which I'm string to be, and even then, there will still be something. But that's okay. Because you show me your love in the best way you know how, and maybe that's the best you can do.

Day 5: I'm thankful for Isabelle. I've already said I'm thankful for my job, but more specifically, I'm thankful for her. I taught her how to say "YAYYYY"  today, and clap her hands, and we ran around doing that. It was one of the best moments of my life.
 Bonus: I'm thankful for feeling things. Even when they hurt. Life would suck if I was cold-hearted, and determined to be alone.

Thanks-Giving.

Day 1) I'm thankful for a job where I get to do what I love, and spend my time giving kisses and playing peek-a-boo with the sweetest little girl I've ever met. Within the first day of knowing her, she stole my heart, and I don't think I'm getting it back anytime soon.

Day 2) I'm thankful for adventures, and beautiful Alabama. It's crazy how crossing over a border was just what I needed to feel uplifted. That, and a pep talk from a man I had just met were both enough to lift my spirits. Thank you Josh, for making me an awesome longboard, and for inspiring me to continue to follow my dreams.

Day 3) I'm thankful for lazy Saturdays, and not feeling a need to always be doing something.

Just Maybe.

Maybe you're looking at this situation the wrong way.

Wouldn't it just suck to build your life around someone, and then have them leave?

Or wake up one morning and realize they don't love you anymore?

Or realize that all the things you've sacrificed in your life for one person weren't necessary?

You had a purpose before he came along, and you still do.

This is really just a rant to say that maybe being alone at this time is the best thing that could have happened to you..

But what do I know.

Rescued

"You're not pathetic, just misplaced"

I just keep telling myself that.

It's not that I totally feel I belong there, it's just I know I don't belong here.

So I'm trying to work with that.

Living & Learning.

Where do I go from here?

The more serious it gets,

the more I realize how much of a typical girl I am.

And how much I'm running.

On the bright side, I do have a plan!

Have I mentioned?

That I hate waiting?

And that I really don't have a back up plan this time?

Except for maybe take the time off anyway, and escape to Washington, and just live in the forest. Or maybe go to Portland. Or India. 

I wish I could say I'm not scared, but I'm terrified.

5 more days.

People Help the People.

Sometimes, I wish I could take all my friends, and we could just go somewhere, maybe to a new planet, and create a new society where money doesn't exist, and people genuinely care about each other.

Obama can come too.

 

And all the good people. But they have to give up all their possessions. Except their clothes. They can keep those.

 

Is that what heaven is supposed to be like? Because that would be cool.

 

The way I kind of view Jesus is he loves everyone and if you love him back, he loves you extra. Enough to get you into heaven. That's probably not how most people would phrase it, but when you get down to the heart of the matter, it fits.

 

But I don't understand the praise thing. I try to be humble, and I think Jesus was all about that too.

 

Scratch that, I don't understand anything.

 

I just want people to care about other people, even when it doesn't benefit them.

 

Even if I'm the only one, I plan to do that.

Another Reason for Adoration.

I realized today that you don't try to solve my problems, and you definitely never belittle them.

 

You just listen, and are as "there" for me as anyone can be while also being 3000 miles away.

 

Thanks for that.

 

 

Babel

The picture I saw tonight caught me off guard, and all I keep thinking is it's not fair.

This man I know and have grown to love, who believes in the existence of God to such an extent that he was willing to leave his job as a nurse to become a pastor; how the hell does he get cancer?

Why him?

 

 

I don't think God is just..

but mostly I wonder how he feels about it.

 

 

People Help the People

Is it crazy to think that I'm needed?
Because I think about you, and I worry about you, and if I were there, I would promise to be your friend. Even when you did things I didn't understand. I would always choose your side, because even though I always try to be neutral, you passed being just my friend long ago. I think that time I fell asleep on your couch the night before we did Annie; that was when you felt more like my brother than ever before.

I just hope you're doing okay. And know you can always call me.
January isn't too far away. When it comes, we"ll do all those things we love, like eat garden burgers, and listen to indie music and wear beanies.

Calling Happiness.

Thoughts I'm Thinking:

1) I'm not even looking forward to next Saturday. For as long as I can remember, it's been a day to celebrate, and I'm sure it will still be special, but it doesn't change the fact that none of my friends will be with me, and most of them probably won't call.

2) Can we just skip my birthday and go right to October 16th? I need to know that I have something to look forward to. Because right now, I look forward to going to work, because I atleast get to talk to people. Sometimes. So far, they've had me work in the back.

3) I wish I didn't have weaknesses for people to take advantage of. 

4) I need theatre. I miss everyone, and I especially miss Fineman. Will I ever walk across a stage again? I don't really know.

5) I guess my thoughts were wrong, You're not happy because you're rich. You're not happy at all. And I'm sorry I've been so ungrateful lately.

6) I hate being dependent on people. 

7) I hate waiting.

8) I have to feed Daisy

9) If you're reading this, chances are I'm missing you.

I can be anything that I dream.

A few days ago, I told my mom that I had planned to go to New Orleans after the hurricane if it caused as much damage as Katrina, and she said "oh, okay."

We've had a lot of heart to hearts over the past few weeks, and it's nice to know that she approves of my plans, because she understands where my heart is.

I know that the decisions I've made and the decisisions I plan on making are probably not what people had in mind for me, and it wasn't always what I had in mind for myself, I just have never felt any more sure of anything in my life.

Sinking like a Stone.

Sometimes, I predict that things are going to go wrong before they even do.

It's not that I'm psychic, it's just that I'm thinking, "how can my life be this good?"

 

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah, it can't.

I wish you were here, so you could pick me daisies and make me giggle.

And quite possibly watch Spongebob with me.

This is rough, 

and I miss you.

The Passion Issue.

I don't think it was a mistake to put all my eggs in one basket, or to go out on a limb in the hopes of following my heart.

Hawaii is still where I want to be.

Serving people, and especially kids is still what I want to be doing.

So even though it didn't work out, I'm still hoping that it will.

 

Maybe it was just a timing thing?

I guess I'll know in October.

 



Sending love across the country.

My grandma sent a care package full of stuff we left at her house, and some cookies.

 

She makes the best cookies.

You're repulsive.

And I don't think I ever want to hang out with you. Ever again.

 

 

Scumbag.

 

 

I miss you.

Micah,
There are all these things I want to talk to you about, but you're so far, and i just don't think phone conversations will cut it.

Most of all, I'm sorry we didn't get to say goodbye. You're one of my best friends, and I valued your honesty, even when it pissed me off, which wasn't that often.

And remember when we would eat ice cream and listen to music on Jacob's laptop? Or when you made me top ramen? Plus, that one time you gave me your sweatshirt, because I was freezing at that track meet. Haha, that was kind of uncomfortable, but I was a little bit warmer. Some of my best memories are with you. And your boy advice is always appreciated.

Don't let anyone bring you down this year.

I hope your decisions come easily, and that everything works out for the best.

I'll always consider you a little brother. <3

I love you, Micah.

Overboard.

There's no quote that fully captures how i feel about you, so I'm left searching for my own words.

 

And that's way more difficult than I thought.

 

I guess I'll just leave it at, I wouldn't want to change a thing, but my location.

 

Distance is rough, but you're worth it.

Everybody's having babies.

I've been thinking a lot about pregnancy and babies lately, and everyday I'm realizing more and more that it's not what I want.

I think pregnancy is beautiful and all, but I don't think I would feel any different about a baby if I was the one who brought it into this world or not.

If i had to choose, I think I'd prefer adoption, because if I don't feel any different about it, then why not take the route that improves the quality of life for someone else?



I know I'm still pretty young to be making decisions like these, and maybe I'll change my mind someday, but I'm feeling pretty confident about this one.

We've still got time.

"I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with someone, even if they could have. I need to know these people exist."
-Stephen Chbosky   

No More Negative Nancy.

I've been such a downer lately, but I'm getting better.

Thanks for putting up with all of it.

I'm on the up & up.

I promise.

i hope.

I hate fighting.

Confrontation makes me sick to my stomach.
I just have to have people in my life who aren't going to hurt me, because I'd probably just take it.

I hate being passive.

It'd be nice....

..just to hear that my friends miss me as much as I miss them.

I'm sure they do, but they're probably busy living their wonderful lives where they go to college, and meet new people, and do exciting new things.

I hate being bitter.

There are no other friends like you.

I'm so lonely here.

I wish I had a friend I could listen to music with, or read quotes with, or ride my bike with, or lay under a tree with, or visit Frugal's with, or swim with, or play my guitar with, or facebook stalk people with, or walk dogs with, or do anything that people enjoy doing in the company of other people they love.

I miss you guys. So much.

Please remember me, happily.

I have a hard time putting in words what you mean to me.

This probably won't be the last blog I write about you, but I'll do my best to make this one worth your time.

This summer was one of the best I've ever had and that's mostly because of you. You're such an exciting person to spend time with, and I feel like we would have been best friends if we had met sometime as toddlers or children somewhere making mud pies or swinging on swings.

In a matter of weeks, you've become one of my closest friends, and my one and only thunder buddy.

I just hope I've been as special to you as you've been to me.

Thanks. For the listening, and the honesty, and the giggles.

And for everything in between.

Things I miss:

Everything.

I was following my heart..

And now I have absolutely nothing figured out.

I didn't realize how scary that was.

"I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find."

What I'm learning about love.

How much time do you have?

Love is... complicated.

I can honestly say I've never been in love, and I know no one's ever truy been in love with me.

But that goes back to the whole being "in love" thing, which is kind of stupid.

My family loves me, and that's obvious, with everything they do.

My friends love me, and sometimes tell me things I don't want to hear, and that's how I know how much they love me.


I guesss love is complicated, because it can make you really happy for a few days, months, or years, then it ends, and if life sucked before you were in love with someone, it really sucks now.

Something good can make it, but rarely does.

That's what bothers me about love.

It's why I never want to get married, but that will probably change someday.

People are stupid.

People being me.

I don't know why, so don't ask me to try to explain it.

It was like, we act like a couple anyway, why not just tack on the title, and that's generally the thing I'm most afraid of, so I said yes.

Where do we go from here?

"It was a fun few weeks, when you weren't blocking me out. See you in 6 months?"

IN A RELATIONSHIP, sayyyy whattt?

It's weird to me too.

Life.

I guess their are things to look forward to, but I don't want to run from anything.
This idea of "starting a new life" makes me sad.
I don't need a new life...
I just need to know that some things never end... like frienships.

I hate empathy.

I don't want to feel the pain people cause other people.

It keeps me up at night... and makes me doubt everything I used to believe.

I just don't understand... life, anymore..

I want to beleive in something better after this life, because this one just seems to suck.

I can't do enough good to cancel out the bad, and that's the most heartbreaking relaization I've ever had.

If only, If only.

If future Casey could have a talk with current Casey, she'd tell her she was being an idiot.

There's no way this will end well. I should have walked away when I had the chance, but I'm stupid, and I'm selfish, and I care way too much.

Now, I'm hurting the both of us, so I'm apologizing in advance for that.

I'm sorry.

Your love will be safe with me.

I know we were never much, but I just wish we could go back to that first night, where things were easy. Or, they felt easy, and we shared our secrets, and you told me about how you cared all along.

Now, I get the feeling that you're bored with me, and I don't want to be one of those girls that hurts you. You've told me about them. I don't plan to be one of them.

I guess, I'm saying that I'm sorry I can't stick around, and I appreciate that you support me, in whatever it is I do.

There are a lot of things I really like about you, and most of all, I don't want to lose that frienship we had before all these feelings came to the table.

Mostly, what I want is unreasonable.

We're getting too attached, and I guess you're truly just trying to distance yourself, but I don't want that.

I want you to leave flowers outside my door like you said you would.

I want you to hold my hand in front of your friends.

I want you to listen like you did, and ask the questions you so desperately wanted answered that first night.

I want you to prefer spending time with me over getting high with your friends.

I want you to care, and lately, I haven't been getting that feeling.

Parties ruin everything.

Wrecking Ball of Reality.

Summer was going really well, and I was beginning to handle things better, and everything seemed to be at a high point. Then, my car died, and somehow, that one thing overwhelmed me  putting me back into a state of anxiety.


I'm terrified of the future all over again.

It's too late...

I've already decided.

I overestimate the power I have to control my emotions.

Not Ready.

I was thinking about marriage tonight, and about how everybody gets married at some point and like half those people end up getting divorced or being stuck in a marrage with someone they can't stand to be around.

People my age are so obsessed with wanting to be in love that they force themselves to feel things for people they really don't feel anything for. Even I'm guilty of that.

And I guess as times goes on, you get comfortable with that person, and then the idea of starting the dating game again seems daunting.... or exhausting.. or just not worth the trouble.

What I'm trying to say is maybe being single isn't such a bad thing.

I'm preparing to move across the country, and then I'm (hopefully) headed to Hawaii.

Both of those things would suck to do tied down, even if it was with someone I truly could imagine spending the rest of my life with.

And because I haven't been blogging much lately, you're probably unaware of my changing opinions on marriage and all that jazz.
I just... am content waiting. For marriage, maybe. But for someone to just be a step above the rest.

For someone to compare to the cream of the crop of guys.

For someone to listen as much as they talk, and to go out of their way to do nice things for people.

Maybe I'll get married someday, and if I do, I hope to be part of the dwindling number of people who marry someone and still laugh at things together after 5, 10, 50 years of marriage. 

For now though, I'm in a pretty good place and preparing for the time of my life. As a single lady.

Now put your hand up!

"Being Friends with Boys"

“I wasn't aware that was how I felt, either, until it was out. And now that I've said it like that, I'm not exactly sure it is how I feel. But this isn't a piece of paper I can crumple up and throw away. they aren't words I can cross out to start over. Now they're out, and I know they'll hang here, between us, maybe forever.” 

- Terra  Elan McVoy   

Here it is, Officially.

I'll be moving to Georgia at the end of July.

I won't really believe it until we've packed everything up, loaded it into a U-haul, and are pulling out of the Northwood Apartments parking lot and onto Pacific Ave.

I'm terrified, but don't tell anyone.

I'm trying to be brave for Joey.

Disgusted.

Money can't buy you love, but it will keep that girl you like around, provided you keep buying her things.

How messed up is that?

Grown-Up Things.

I was doing a grown-up thing, ironing my clothes, when I BURNT MYSELF!

Gah, I'm never trying another grown-up thing again!

and all my clothes will be wrinkly from here on out.

Contemplating.

I was thinking about qualities I really like in people.

I really like listeners.
I really like laughers.
I really, really like smilers.

I like when people are genuinely nice to everyone they meet.

I love when I see people that go out of their way to help someone else.

I guess these are more of the things I should focus on, if I'm putting a focus on guys at all.

I'm kind of looking back on senior year and questioning why I did what I did.

It's not that I regret it, I just think it was crazy to be so infatuated with someone who I knew was nothing I ever wanted or will ever want.

I guess that's part of growing up too, huh?

It's all downhill from here.

Here I am again,
Worrying I won't have enough time, except this time, I really won't.

When I leave, I don't know when I'll be back.

I just want to spend every moment doing something, because my time in this beautiful state with these beautiful people I love is about to end.

I need you so much closer.

For the first time, you're not the person I want to talk to about this.

I was watching the E Investigation of The Powell Murder.

Those were beautiful kids.

It still breaks my heart to think that somebody could do that to any kid, but especially their own.

I've never wished bad things on anyone, but I wish he could have died without taking his children with him.

I wish he would have died the first time he tried to take his own life at the age of 14.

That's the worst thing I've ever said...

Out of chances.

I like babies.

Sometimes, it makes me sad for people to think of them as a burden.

I guess if I were in her shoes, I would think of it like that.

I just wonder if he's worth it.

I wonder if any girl that gave up her virginity to a guy in the hopes of keeping him around ended up happy.

 Or do they all just end up pregnant?


Maybe my own problem is I place too much emphasis on the end results.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I hope things work out for the best.

It still hurts, sometimes.

Bored.

Today, I moped around and checked facebook about 50 million times only to see that no one did anything of interest in the past 10 minutes.

That's the thing I don't like about summer.

I'm such a busy body. I hate having nothing to do.

On the bright side, I start work tomorrow.

Another summer of saving lives? I think yes.

People don't always keep their promises.

Last night, my mom, my aunt, my cousin and I sat around and talked about how great it's going to be when we get to Georgia.

This is what I've always wanted.

Now, I'm not so sure.

A few years ago, I blogged about how the two halves of my heart are 3,000 miles apart from each other, but that wasn't true.

If you think family wise, then yes, it's pretty evenly split.
But when you add in all the people I've come to love and that I call family, there's no doubt, 3/4's of my heart is in Washington.

When I couldn't sleep last night, I looked through all the old pictures on my phone that date back to 7th grade.

Then, I had this thought.

I don't want new friends. I have the best I could ask for.

That's never been my attitude about anything. The more, the merrier, ya know?

I am terrified to lose the people I love.

I know I'm going to leave, and eventually my friends are going to get married, and possibly have children, and get jobs and all that jazz, and I want to know about these things. I want to be there for all the people that mean something to me during these landmark events in their lives, but that's just not possible, and that makes me cry.

I guess a small part of me is also scared to be forgotten about.



Miley Cyrus was wrong. You can't get the best of both worlds.

Plans.

I'll be moving to Georgia in 46 days.

That leaves me 46 days to do all the things I want to do with all the people I want to do them with.

I'm not ready to leave.

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.

"On my last night on earth, I won't look to the sky.
Just breathe in the air and blink in the light.
On my last night on earth, I'll pay a high price
To have no regrets and be done with my life."

I don't have much to say, but I really liked this part of the song.

I'm ready, I think.

I'm sitting here in journalism, waiting for Mrs. Brown to come back, so I can send out this paper.

How many blogs have I written in this very room?

A lot.

How many blogs have I read in this room while avoiding work?

Even more.

This will be the last blog I write from Mrs. Brown's room and most likely the last blog I write while on the WHS Campus.

I guess I should write about farewells or something, but I'm not in the mood to get into all of that.

I'm more concerned with thinking of all the things I should be doing, instead of this.

I don't think it will click that I'm never coming back to this school until my stuff is loaded in a U-haul and my family hops on 1-5 South.

I'm ready, I am.

If it were a competition...

You would win.

In every.way.possible.

Charming Cheaters.

Disregard the lies that he will tell
and what he's probably like 'cause
It's not hard, his charm is gonna
Get him through the night.

I'm following myself just this once.

Hawaii, here I come.

Things I wish I could say.

1) I spent some time comparing Jimi Hendrix and Led Zepplein. I guess I just think Hendrix sounds a little bit more clean, if that makes sense? I also like his voice more. Oh, and I've liked you for 8 months... But yeah, how bout that Jimi?

2) Stop. You're an asshole, and you have been since the day you became my step-father, but you have no right to do what you're doing. Don't you realize you're screwing up your son's life as much as hers? Leave us alone.

3) I believe in my perception of You, but I guess I could be wrong. And if I was and You weren't what i thought you were, I'm not sure how I would handle that. I'm actually not sure to what extent I believe the things I believe. Dang it.

i like you.

We shouldn't care about the people who don't make time for us.
We shouldn't care about the people who refuse to do something with their lives.
We shouldn't care about people like that.
We should let them leave our lives, without making any attempt to stop them.


I shouldn't care about people that don't care about me, but I do.

Come on, skinny love.

I told you to be patient.

I told you to be fine.

I told you to be balanced,

and I told you to be kind.

Now, all your love was wasted and who the hell was I?

I'm breaking at the bridges and at the end of all your lines.

Who will love you?

Who will fight?

Who will fall far behind?

My cure for anxiety?

I run.

I feel myself getting closer to a decision.

I feel myself growing and preparing for the major change that's coming.

That makes this whole process easier.

Now if only I could stop myself from...this feeling thing.

We're just late bloomers is all.

Guys don't throw themselves at me, and never really have.
For a while, I actually thought there was something wrong with me.
Now, I know that's not the case.
I won't settle.
That's not to say I won't give someone a chance, but I just won't attempt to force myself to have feelings for someone, and I won't lower my standards for a boy, even if I am attracted to him.
Last night, I was talking to one of my favorite people, and she told me she never even went on a date until her freshmen year in college, and after that guy, she didn't date anyone again until she was out of college. Now, she's met the love of her life, who is fighting pancreatic cancer. If you could send some prayers there way or healthy thoughts of healing, because they deserve everything this world has to offer, and more than anything, they deserve happiness and the chance to live a long life together.

She told me he was worth the wait.


When I told her about my recent moving on, she said she was glad, because he didn't deserve my attention or my affection, and I honestly agree.


So, here's to finally knowing and believing that someday a guy will come along, and I'll get all the things I've dreamed about since I was a little girl, first learning about falling in love.

For now, I'm enjoying the single life.

The Longer I Run.

Today, I baked cupcakes,

& I read books,

& I long-boarded,

& I made a pyramid with a bunch of drama kids, and was spun around in a trust-fall circle.

I'm so done with school for the year, and that gets me thinking that maybe I'm done with school forever.

I really enjoy learning, and reading is quite possibly my favorite thing, but I just can't shake the feeling that college isn't what I want to do.

I know it's crazy, and I haven't made any decisions yet, but it's on my mind.

All. The. Time.

Fragile.

Today, my mom gave CPR to a man at her work when he suddenly collapsed while his wife received chemo.
He wasn't even the sick one.
He died.
That got me thinking about the fragility of life and how quickly it's over.

I think about how I'll die a lot, and especially when I run.
As morbid as it sounds, I think about who'll miss me and really worry about that.
But I'm not afraid to die.
I'm mostly afraid to not live enough.

I'm afraid to not say enough.
Maybe to that person that I know has a shitty family life or to the person I get caught next to in the hallway.
I'm afraid to let fear control me.
Like I'll choose the safe option and I'll never tell people how I really feel about them.

I'm really afraid no one will ever fall in love with me, and I'll die alone surrounded by cats and dogs and goldfish.

So I do have a lot I feel I need to happen before I die, but dying just seems so easy.

Like forfeiting or something when you know you're going to lose.

I know this blog makes no sense, but anxiety has kicked in again, and all I think about is time and not having enough and not knowing what to do with it.