so small

Some days I feel like a tiny insignificant being.  I can't really describe it, but if you've feeled this way, you know what I mean.

To be one car on the freeway.

To be one Washingtonian.

To be one American.

To be one Christian.

To be one blonde.

To be one human.

To feel as if no one will care if you go off the deep end.

Somedays, my belief in God scares me because thousands of other people believe the same thing.

Millions of other people are sending up prayers that are much more important than mine.

I'm one fish in a sea, and sometimes, that makes me feel as tiny as a grain of rice.

longest 4 years of my life.

"It's only four years long.

Then it's gone.

and the Queen of the nerds and the King of the prom

get a job.

Look at them now.

She's living her dream, while he sleeps with his crown.

Be cool, Be hard, Be real.

Be happy while you're here.

It's just four years."

For a few months now, I've struggled with whether to do running start next year or complete my last year of high school at WHS.  I sincerely love my school, but I loathe it sometimes too.  The first time someone tried to convince me to do running start, I said no.

I felt like I was making a difference at Washington.  I was helping lead the Bible Club at school and it was successful.  I was a varsity Cross Country Runner.  I loved my teachers.  Drama was my heart & soul and people knew me.  I definitely wasn't the most popular, but I didn't get stepped on either.

This year, everything is different.

I feel like I have a a rock hanging over my head and as soon as those semester grades come out, it will fall and I'll be crushed.  Never to be pulled out again.

I'm not doing the things I love because I feel as if I don't have time.

Everyone is expecting so much from me, that I just can't live up to all of it.

I didn't get that coveted Captain position of the XC team.  A freshmen did.

I have 5 years of college ahead of me.

If I do nursing, goodbye life and hello stress.

These are a few reasons Pierce looks so enticing.

A year of college done.  3 classes instead of 6. 

Possibly less people talking behind my back?

A best friend I won't miss everyday because he'll be getting an english degree.

New teachers, reunited with many friends, and no AP tests.

It does seem kind of perfect, but it's my senior year!  The year I get to apply to all these colleges and jump around when I get in.

I want to savor it.

I want to start college living in some dorm as a freshman.

I want to be a senior on my high school campus.

I want to be cast as the lead role in the school play(again.  tehehe)

I want to give a speech at graduation. 

I want to go to assemblies and do everything high school has to offer in my last year.

Each side has its benefits and at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make.

Well, it is, but I reject free will.

If God didn't want me to doing running start last year, when almost all my friends were, I cannot oblige if he doesn't want it this year either.

Like Jon Mclaughlin says:

It's only four years long.

Too much terror.

My last two posts have held the word terror.
You want to know one of the only things that doesn't terrify me?
Sleep.
Actually, sometimes it does.
Sometimes, I have terrible nightmares.
Especially lately.
Last night, I didn't!
I woke my brother up at 3:43 am and we went to see what Santa had left out.
That's one of the many joys of having a 6 year old brother. 
You get to pretend a little while longer and you keep saying it and start to believe it.
"SANTA IS REAL."
The thing is, there is someone so much greater than Santa.
His name is Jesus.
Even if He wasn't born December 25, He's still the reason for the season.
I think I lost sight of that for a while.
I bought gifts. I shook mine to see what it was.
I watched Christmas movies.
What finally got me into the "Christmas Spirit" was a long talk with my mom about the wonderfulness of Jesus.
The story behind my mom's religion is difficult to explain.
Here's a gist.
Jehovah's Witness.  Got pregnant.  Turned away.  Shunned by family.
Luckily, most of the shunning is done and my mom's over it and our family is cool.
The thing is, she still loves Jesus.
I see it in every thing she says & does.
She sacrifices every single day for our family.
This morning, before the gift unwrapping began, she asked everyone to say something we're thankful for.
Her's was: "I'm thankful to be in good health and not have the same conditions as the most of the people I see it everyday."
My 6-year old brothers was: "I'm thankful to have parents that our together."
It was so adorable.
I guess this post is kind of just a run on about how it took me until Christmas Day to get into the "spirit" 
Better late than never, right?
Oh, and my mom and I will be trying out churches to attend:)

Forward Motion.

My future terrifies me, because it's not mine to make.

I guess free will means I could do whatever I want.

But, I choose God's will.

I choose His Way, because it's a billion times better than mine.

I think about majoring in elementary education and teaching at a school in Washington,

and I feel safe; almost like nothing can harm me.

Then I think about what my life would be and I see discontentment.

I see myself doing what I want to do.  What doesn't push me to the edge.

It's not what He wants.

What He wants sounds incredible, but it's sacrifice.

Sacrifice isn't easy.

I worry that I won't have a future husband that will want the same thing.

I worry that my kids will hate me, because they can't be like normal American kids.

I worry that my family will not support me.

I worry that I'll get killed for my belief in God.

I worry I won't suffice.

I worry I won't be strong enough.

Every day, I'm trying to cast my worries on God.

Only He can carry my burdens.

It terrifies me.

"I am still here and going no where."

I have a new text.

I don't want to open it because I know.

I know you're leaving.

That terrifies me.

525 miles.

Breakable

My glue is God.

Now I just need my pieces to be too.

As I sit here.

My brother is sitting next to me eating chips.  I love himmmmm.  Good golly, I'm so blessed.

Every year.

When I was 9, I heard my uncle talking about how he had the gifts from Santa in his car.

I wanted to believe in Santa until I was atleast 15.

All the kids in school said he was fake, but I didn't stop believing. 

Never stop believing is something I live by.

Sadly, with my uncle talking about "Santa's Gifts" being in his trunk, I stopped believing.

I guess I liked the idea of Santa because I thought there must be hope for this world.

I thought that every single kid was going to get a gift and the holidays would be wonderful for all the kiddos of the world.

That day, I realized I was wrong.

Not all the kids were going to get gifts.

Some kids were just going to sit in hospital beds dying, or in a foster home wishing they had a family.

Some kids were going to be out drinking or getting pregnant.

Some kids were going to have all they could ever ask for and not be jolly.

I'm the last one.

Since 9, I've never been excited about Christmas.

I know I sound like a Bah Humbug, but I'm just being honest.

Every year, my parents(mom, uncle, step-dad) spoil me with gifts and yes, I generally like them.

But I'm never happy.

This year, I choose happiness.

If you want to know my plans for break, here they are:

-I'll be going to my mom's work and talking with cancer patients.

-I'll be volunteering at Mary Bridge with the kiddos.  Reading books, playing with dolls, something.

-I'll be reading my bible every morning after a morning run.

-I'll be working on homework for hours, because one day, I'll be thankful for all that hard work.

-I'll be striving to be a light no matter where I am or who I am with.

-I will not be watching Grey's Anatomy for hours on end.

-I'll be strengthening my friendships with all my lovely friends.

I feel this urge to do something these holidays. 

To give back.  So cliche, but so true.

Anyone wanna join me?

P.S. Jesus replaced Santa in my life when I was 13 and I'm thankful for that everyday.



Winnie the Pooh

"You're braver than you believe, and smarter than you seem, and stronger than you think."

Just keep saying it.

FOCUSSS.

One man.

One amazing man holds the key to my heart

and he's worth it. 

More than worth it.

He's just not here yet.

The challenging part is not to seek him.

He's out there.

I know it.

He'd be dissapointed in me on days like today.

I have to work on that.

Purity is not just physical. 

Purity is what I am aiming for.

I'm thankful to have friends that keep me on track

and a hope that only my One True Love could provide.

So, even when my dad isn't handing me off at my wedding,

I'd like to think Jesus will be handing my heart off in a way.

Like, this great work He has been sculpting for marriage

and finally!  It's ready to be given away. 

Not given away to just anyone though.

Becuase, He's sculpting my love's heart too.

Hopefully in purity and love and kindness and patience. 

In the same way He's holding my hand, He's holding his.

One day, He'll draw our two hands together and that, my dear, is what I will call love. 

boy makes bet and loses.

I don't really want to write a news article.  So I'll just leave it at the title.

Today, I stand.

Mark my words.

Today I will stand up for myself.

I will not allow myself to be stepped on like an ant any longer.

I bring good topics to the table and maybe, if you weren't so busy rolling your eyes at me behind my back, you'd hear them.

I undertand you dislike me.

I don't know why.

Today, you will tell me to my face because I'm sick of getting stepped on.

It's been happening since I was in kindergarten and today, it stops.

Compare, no fair.

Sometimes, I feel as courageous as a lion and other times, I feel as measly as a mouse.

Lately, it's been the latter. 

those community members

She said 'community members' like it was a bad thing.  Like the people of Parkland are the vermin of the Earth and she definitely couldn't trust them with her $15 CD player under the Christmas Tree.  My church sets up the tree every year and the gifts go to kids who probably wouldn't get gifts on Christmas morning otherwise.  I happened to be standing by the tree and so her question was directed at me.  "Do you think it's safe to leave my gifts here?"  "Ummmm;" pretty much my response to any question.  Seeing as my answer wasn't a word in the English dictionary, she decided it was better not to with the comment, "There are a lot of community members here."  Community members, as in not church members.  As in, these people are bad because they aren't dressed up enough to be classified as part of our church.  These people are bad because they don't know Jesus.  These people are bad cause they live in Parkland and it is GHETTO(this is normally how I hear people say it.)  I've lived in Parkland for over 10 years now.  I am honestly proud of it.  There have been things that have happened in my community that I'm not proud of.  A boy shot his mom a few miles up the road; a man named Maurice Clemmons shot 4 cops 3 streets away from my house.  Yes, 3.  There are 22 sex offenders in a 2 mile radius of my house.  Even with all this included, I love Parkland.  Granted, I'm excited to leave it, but it won't be forever.  I'll return whether it be my high school reunion and everyone that was a jerk to me will look at me in wonder cause I'll be a famous model(haaaaaa, that was definitely a joke,) or if I return to be a teacher at my Alma mater. I'm proud of my 'hood.  So run and tell that, homeboy home-home-homeboy. 

thoughts

boobie bracelets

party

Jesus

madeleine

cars

oreos

trampolines

grandpa

college

passport

nostalgia

christopher

scrarf

wind

rudolph

erika

cake

sorry

letters

husband

dcfc

paper

clips

paper

cuts

paper

hearts

I probably shouldn't blog when I'm depressed.

Sometimes I forget how blessed I am and the fact that the stress I bring on myself isn't always necessary.  Today got better.  I made a cup of tea and listened to a Jaymay pandora station and didn't do my homework.  I'll regret that later, but for now, I'm happy.  I'm doing Casey.  I'm reading my bible instead of my history book.  I'm thinking about Jesus rather than Aristotle, Andrew Jackson, and the derivatives of tangent functions.  I'm good.  I'm getting through.  I'll be visiting Northwest Friday with my incredible mother and I will enjoy myself.  My cats will be home tomorrow, which means I'll be less lonely.  I have a party tomorrow night with the youth kiddos.  I'm doing what I want.  I like it.

No one said it was going to be easy

Today is terrible.  It's 14 minutes over halfway done, but I'll have to stay up much longer than I did the first half.  I dislike people today.  I dislike that teacher I normally like, I dislike my best friend, I dislike my other best friend for not being here and making me try to set up a poll about those stupid stinkin i heart boobies bracelets.  I never want to hear the word boobie again.  I never want to try and accomplish anything again.  I wish I had someone here to make me laugh.  I wish I wasn't sitting in a classroom alone during lunch so I could cry my eyes out.  I wish I was home.  Not Washington; the other home.  I wish I didn't have hours of homework tonight.  I wish I could skip AP Calc next period and not feel guilty.  I wish the position of editor wasn't bestowed upon me, because I don't think I can handle it.  I'll just let everyone down.  I'm pretty good at that.  Now that you've seen my emo ranting, go on about your day. 

Future Husband.

In the past year, I've probably referred to at least 40 guys as my future husbands: guys on the street; guys I know; guys I wish I could know; guys in movies; guys on stage; guys at my church; guys that play the guitar and sing soulfully, guys that give back; guys that love Jesus. 
Over the summer, I realized I'm not okay with this.  I'm not okay with some girl calling MY future husband hers, therefore, I'm not okay with calling hers mine.  I even put it on a goal sheet!  I never truly followed it.  It had just become a habit I couldn't break, even with my rubber band(cough, cough Jacob.)  Today, I realized my bad habit must be broken.  One of my best friends texted me and referred to a a guy she knew as her future husband.  There was a time where I thought this certain guy was my future husband(along with the 39 others) and so her text kind of caught me off guard.  For a second, I took offense to it.  Then, I realized just how hypocritical that was.  She probably got the bad "call every attractive male I see my future husband" habit from me, so who was I to be upset?  It was eye opening.  I don't hope to marry 40 men.  Just one, actually.  I know he'll be amazing and godly and will lead with a servant heart and if I'm lucky, he'll go for long runs with me and play folk songs on his guitar.  I pray every night that he's staying strong now and not giving his heart away; mentally or physically.  If he's praying the same thing for me, I've been letting him down, over and over.  The whole year of 17 was supposed to be dedicated to a guy fast that consisted of placing all my focus on God, so I was completely ready to date my prince when I turned 18.  I've realized recently, that that's stupid.  First of all, I cannot demand that God brings my prince charming along by the time I'm 18.  He's done enough for me already and I know I could never rush His amazing plan for my husband and I.  Plus, preparing my heart for a relationship might take over a year; especially at this rate.  I've been 17 for almost two months and they haven't been spent "guy-fasting."  They've been spent "guy-feasting" to say the least.  The moral of the story?  I have a lot of work to do on my inner self.  I have to completely retrain my thoughts and my mouth to keep "he's my future husband" out of my vocabulary until the day some guy drops down on one knee and pulls a diamond ring out of his cargo shorts.  Or jeans.  I'm down for either.  I am willing to wait for that day, because he's worth it. 
If you hear the words future husband come out of my mouth in reference to a certain person, be sure to slap me, even if it is Ryan Reynolds or James Franco.  They're married!  That makes it even worse!
Until engagement, the groom at the end of the aisle will remain faceless.  He'll be wearing converse, though.  My lips will also remain unkissed unless you count my 5-year old brother.  This seems like quite a task.  I should probably find a rubber band and my bible.

Benjamin Franklin

I love Quotes.  I think they're one of the best things in this world. 
I think quotes might just get me through APUSH.  Sometimes, you forget people are people.  Benjamin Franklin had thoughts and feelings and was a sentimental man who liked French woman.  People like good ole Ben had important things to say and people listened.  I was looking at his most famous quotes, and although there are many, here are a few of my favorites.

"We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately."

 "To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions."

"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins."

"She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth."

-Benjamin Franklin

To You.

I don't lack the inability to wait.  Believe me, I can if I thought you were worth it.  And I do, I really do.

You just lack the inability to see that I think you deserve the world and I don't believe she's it.

That's the nicest way I could put this letter to you, that you'll probably never see. 

So there you have it.

I want you to be happy.

Happy with me would be preferred. 

But happy in general will do.

why can't I be more like you and less like me?

This is Mikael and Micah.  They are amazing. 

Mikael is one of the most loving people I have ever met. 

I wish I could be more like him.

I wish  people wouldn't judge him.

Maybe Christians should live by "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" less and by the Bible more.  If the greatest commandment is love, why is it okay to judge him? 

I love him with all my heart and Jesus does too.  More than I ever could.

He posted this on his blog, and I was completely moved by it.  

http://naytinalbert.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-hugged-man-in-his-underwear-and-i-am.html

Reconciliation.

It's going to take a lot to undo all the harsh feelings people have against Christians.

But we can rise up. 

We can be the generation.

We can change the world with the love of Jesus.

It sounds so cliche, but

I live by that.

You know you're a US History nerd...

...when you look up Benjamin Franklin quotes & fall in love with them just a bit.

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness.  You have to catch it yourself. 

~Benjamin Franklin

Dreams.

Last year, during one of those long fall/winter days where your hands are too numb to write, I was eating lunch with my best friend, Jacob.  I remember telling him about how I wanted to be a doctor.  I wanted to travel around to help people who truly needed it.  People who had one other option; death.  I wanted to go places where everyone was trying to escape after tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes and help the broken people.  I wanted to do what Christ did, but with modern day medicine.  I hit my chemistry class the next day running.  Suddenly, my life had a purpose and the homework didn't seem so terrible anymore because, one day, I would use it all to change lives.  That night, I told my mom and my step-dad about the dream over dinner.  For some reason, I can't rem
ember what my mom said, but my step-dad crushed my dream.  Absolutely and completely crushed it.  He said there was no way I could pay off the bills of college by doing something that made so little money.  He ridiculed the passion I suddenly felt to serve.  The worst part is he was successful.  I gave up the dream.  Tucked it away with all the stupid, ambitious, child ones I'd had in the past.  Today, I pulled it back out.  Suddenly, my homework doesn't look so bad.  I know I can do this.  I can get a full-ride scholarship to a nice, christian school and I can become a doctor without a border.  I can live my dream, if it is also God's dream for me.  Philippians 4:13.

Before the worst.

I had adorable grandparents.

This picture below was taken last Friday.

She doesn't smile like she used to.

But, she lost the love of her life.

It'd take me a long time to learn to smile again too.

But, she's strong.  She'll make it through and life will go on.

Life will go on.



Complainers

"wahhhh, my Dad doesn't like my boyfriend."

"wahhhh, my Dad won't let me use the car."

"wahhhh, my Dad is so embarrasing."

"wahhhh, my dad is over-protective."

Atleast you have a dad.  I'd pay to have one that tried to scare away the boys because he wanted me to stay his little girl.

My dad chose drugs over me.

Atleast your dad wants you.

Words of wisdom from my mother

"When you don't get something you really want, there's always a reason.  Maybe you have something else waiting for you.

I never thought Cross Country was your true love anyway"

She's right.

Way back when, when I was an itty-bitty, naive 8th grader,

my "sister" convinced me to do XC.

So i did.

Freshmen year, I loved it.

Sophomore Year, I liked it.

Junior Year, .....no comment.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy XC a lot and I really do love running.

But I'm terrible, so maybe I didn't deserve that captain position I'd been hoping for since freshmen year.

and like Momma says, it's not my true love anyway.

Volleyball perhaps?

This right here.

As of lately, I've been really repulsed by the teenage boys at my school.  I've heard the classic "boys are only interested in one thing" line, and most of the boys at my school prove that.  Most of the guys in this world seem to prove that.  Back to some of the guys at my school.  I know I should not judge them based on their actions, because I think a lot of them are good guys and I believe some of them will change and get married and be faithful, amazing husbands.  For now, they're stupid, testosterone filled teenage boys and I would like to punch them. 

This past week has been a difficult one for a lot of reasons.

One of them is seeing guys that cheat and lie, yet the girl just can't break away.

This leads to some of my distaste for guys.

Or the relationship that's lasted for years, then in one night, the guy decides his girlfriend isn't fulfilling his needs and that a one night stand would suffice.

He never tells his girlfriend.

This story does get better though; stick with me! 

Every Friday, their is a program for home-schoolers held at my church that is parallel to my school.

I first met some of these said home-schoolers when I started attending the church.

I thought they were the nicest people I ever met.  I loved them lots.

This year, I decided to start stopping by on Fridays.

It was perfect, because just when I was started to categorize all men as disgusting beasts, I saw 4 guys who weren't.  4 guys who are saving everything for marriage.  4 guys who I believe will be faithful 'til they die.  4 guys who are chivalrous and hold my bags, walk me to my car, give me rides home when my car was non-existent, and refuse to let me pay for my meal when we go anywhere.  I love these guys.

They're grand.

Unluckily, they're all in super serious relationships with awesome, godly girls.

& they're going to do great things through their marriage & the purity they showed beforehand. 

& believe me, my husband will be just as great:)

I'm just happy to have such wonderful friends who do more for me and other people than I can write in a blog.  If I tried, it'd go on forever.

Thanks guys.  I love you all.

Here it is.

Thousands of schools around the US have banned ‘I <3 boobies’ bracelets for offensive language and violating dress code. Washington High School is no different. If a bracelet is seen on a student, staff members are instructed to take the bracelet away and send it to the office to be picked up after school. Students at Washington refuse to remain silent about this issue and the most likely form of refute is the statement, “but it supports breast cancer research.” Yes, that is correct. 5% from each bracelet purchased goes to support breast cancer research. Does that small amount make it okay to wear an offensive slogan on a bracelet?
Although the debate over these bracelets tends to center around whether or not they are appropriate to have at school, many believe the bracelets are not appropriate in general. It is a noble cause for the Keep-A-Breast Foundation to support breast cancer awareness(which they claim is their main cause), but many argue they are going about it the wrong way. For example, how many students are truly wearing them for the right reason? “I don’t believe these kids are wearing them to support breast cancer research, they’re wearing them for the affect,” stated Ms. Olson. If you look around, the bracelets are popular among teenagers, more so boys. A conversation last year among two male students proves my point. “Dude, you love boobies?”, to which the other student responded, “Yeah, don’t you?” Were they wearing them for the cause? No, they were wearing them because they’re teenage boys who “love boobies.”
"That's the whole idea, it's getting people to talk about breast cancer, it's getting people to share their feelings about how this disease has impacted their life," stated found of Keep-A-Breast Foundation, Shaney Jo Darden. "The bracelet is doing what it's meant to do — it's making people talk." That is true, but are the bracelets generating the right conversations? If their were a bracelet that said ‘I <3 testicles,’ would that encourage students to talk about testicular cancer? Miss Fagherberg stated “Awareness needs to be raised, but in a different way.” Breast Cancer is a major issue and the intentions of Keep-A-Breast Foundation are noteworthy, but there has to be a better way to raise awareness than stating your love for boobies on a bracelet. Find that way and support it.
As far as school goes, there are plenty of other ways to support breast cancer research and awareness. The ‘I <3 boobies’ bracelets are unprofessional and will not be allowed at school, so a suggestion is to leave them at home. Wear pink ribbons, buy merchandise from www.thebreastcancersite.com, change your face book picture to a pink tint, do something to spread awareness and raise money for the millions of women who suffer from this disease, because, if you truly care, you’ll make an effort to do more than just state your love for boobies on a $4 dollar bracelet.





There you have it.  That's my argument.  You will not see me wearing these bracelets, but I try to not judge other people for wearing them.  I do think it's tacky for a guy to wear them for lots of reasons.  Women are more than their boobs.  Breast cancer doesn't just take away boobs, it takes away lives. 

In my dreams, I go home.

& that divides my heart more than anything else in the world.

But, people die.

& if anyone dies before I get to see them again;

well, that would break my heart.

So, my options are: divided heart or broken heart.

One side of the US holds my mother, my 2 amazing brothers, my grandma,

my uncle, other family members, Puget Sound beaches, tall trees,

breath-taking views, amazing friends, 

and 1/2 of my heart.

The other side holds my father, my siblings, my aunts,

my uncles, my cousins, Auburn University, a scorching sun, lots of pools,

my grandparents, a church body that I loved,

and 1/2 my heart.

College is a difficult choice.

Pick-up lines galore

today....

I took a killer photo of one of my best friends and her obnoxious boyfriend for journalism and it was AMAZING. 

and the girl who I was taking it for decided not to use it.

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Teamwork my butt.

add to "Hello World"

March 2011

with:

P.S. That's Ireland in case you were wondering.:)

Confidence.

I've always felt really strongly about a few issues that girls have a tendency to struggle with.  One of those is confidence.  I cannot really give specific examples of what annoys me because, truth be told, I match almost all of them.  For example, I have said numerous times that I dislike plastic surgery because God made every person the way they are and they are beautiful.  Yet, saying that to myself last night didn't make me like my nose any more.  It actually kind of just made me upset with God.  That's insane because seriously, an ugly nose?  People are dying from terrible diseases; babies are born with deformities; and I'm complaining about my nose?  That's my guilt trip, and with an amazing mom, it normally doesn't last very long.  Just my luck, my mom works 6 days a week so, I haven't been able to spend that quality time with her.  That means the guilt trip continues, without being effective. 

Song of my Soul.

"The first time that I met you, I knew one day I would know you even better."

& that's all you need to know.

You are the only one I love.

Quote of the day.

"A good writer can BS anything."

-Jacob Vargas

If I wrote a poem that didn't rhyme, it'd go like this.

I met someone tonight who'd been married to their husband for 37 years.  They got married in their teens and were still going strong. 

Why?

Jesus.

Goodness, He's great.  I'm freakin' stoked I'm His bride. 

I don't deserve Him, but He loves me anyway.

& on my wedding day, it will be kind of like Him handing me off to some man I'll love until death.

Only not.  Because, He'll still my groom and I'll still be his bride. 

This is the love He had for me before I loved him.

This is the love I'll have until my dying day. 

It's unexplainable.

How He loves us. 

Goodbye Pun.

Whenever my family would drive by Mountain View Funeral Home in Lakewood, we'd make the joke that "people are dying to get in there."  It was a stupid, punny thing.  But, a few weeks ago, we drove by and my 5 year old brother said "that's where Grandpa is."  He's wrong but,  needless to say, we don't make the joke anymore. 

Past, Future, how bout now?

How often do people really live in the present?  Seriously, it's insanely difficult.  My body's here, sadly, but my mind is off in more wonderful, magical places. 

How often are people truly happy?  Anyone can fake a smile and I, as an actress, am incredibly effective at doing so.  People always believe it. 

Therefore, this makes my two goals almost impossible.

Be happy with where I am in life.

But, I will try & I will succeed.  Somehow.

Hello World.

My name is Casey & this is what has been on my mind as of late.

I'm only 17.  I have my whole life ahead of me and I want to treasure every moment of it.

Here are my plans.

Spring 2011:

 with her, and only her.

If her husband won't take her, I will.

Summer 2011:

 with him.  We're going home.



Summer 2012:

with none other than Sarah Haywood.

Until then:

 with occasional visits to here:

 I've grown to like the rain, so I think it will work.



add this

Have you seen my love?
Is he far away?
Have you seen the one for me?
His face lights up my day
I won't let one boy steal a kiss or call me his
Instead I'll wait for his voice to call out and carry these daydreams away

Have you seen my love?
Is he far away?
Have you seen the one for me?
I won't let him get him get away
Please tell him that I'm waiting for him
Praying for him
Night and day
For now I'll be a lonely girl longing for his sweet embrace

Please tell him that I'm waiting for him
Praying for him
Night and Day
For now I'll be a lonely girl just long for his sweet embrace

Have you seen my love

By Rosie Thomas

Add it to my love song mix.

2 months

Today marks the 2-month anniversary of my grandpa's death.  I can't even remember what I wore yesterday, but I remember that day perfectly.  I remember my mom woke me at about 6:30.  "Casey, you need to wake up.  Grandpa's dead."  I've always had an intense fear of dead bodies, and here I was, half-awake in my grandma's bed with a dead body 4 steps down a hall and 2 into my grandparents cozy living room.  I think the fact that it was more than just a body was what shook the fear.  It was a man.  A man who had driven 25 minutes to pick up my pink stuffed poodle for a girl-scout sleepover after I forgot it at home.  It was a man who took me to Salter's Point just to skip rocks.  It was a man who had oreos for me almost every day after I'd walk home from Southgate.  It was a man who'd take me to McDonald's when school started late because of snow days.  It was a man who made the best spaghetti in the world.  It was a man who surprised my grandma with a kitten when her cat was ran over.  It was a man who could navigate away from any collision.  It was a man who loved to watch the West Wing and eat Lays Potato chips with a Big Gulp coke.  It was a man who only wanted to die by that point.  That day was the third time I'd seen my grandma cry in my life: 
1st-when I went missing in Southgate neighborhood for 2 hours and no one could find me 
2nd-when she came home to find her cat dead on a tarp on the side of the road
3rd-after she'd made all the phone calls to inform people that Jay, her husband, was dead.

Gosh, I want it all back.  But, I can't and I know that.

Last night at dinner, I told my mom how I wished it was the weekend.  Her words were "Don't wish your life away, Casey."
That's exactly what I appear to be doing.
I wish it was the weekend; I wish it was Thanksgiving; I wish it was Christmas; I wish it was summer; I wish I was done with high school; I wish I was married; I wish I was done with college and teaching.  I might as well have been wishing I was dying in that hospital bed in my grandparent's small living room.  I want to be happy with where I am in life and wait for the good things God has in store to come, when He wants them to come.  Here's to enjoying everyday of my life, because that is exactly what my grandpa would have wanted.

If my brother were here.

If you knew my brother, you'd know he has a heart of gold.  If you've heard me talk about him, you know how much I miss him.  I don't believe college tears families apart.  I know what does.  I'd like to have him all to myself again. 

Luckily, I have this one.

l

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V

 Most of all, I want to be like this again.