There's this song by Noah and the Whale called "Shape of my Heart" and I never really liked it, but today, while procrastinating on packing, a certain lyric really stuck with me.
"If there's any love in me, don't let it show.
If there's any love in me, don't let it grow."
My extended family has a habit of asking me if I have a boyfriend, and generally my answer is no, but today, I figured why not bare my heart? It's a Sunday. So I told them I've liked the same guy all year. I left out the part that I think I might have liked him since 9th grade. I guess it's sounds pretty pathetic.
Another pathetic thing? That one night, when I caught you looking at me while I danced around, I'm not sure if it was because I was pleasing to look at, or if you thought I looked like a freak, with long limbs swinging.
I guess I'll never know.
& I guess I'll never know if that time in 9th grade, when we sat next to each other in math, meant anything to you.
Or this whole year, which was spent doting upon you.
I guess that one night was an opportunity to take a risk, but knowing and partially believing what went down in the room right above us, I just didn't feel like taking a chance. Not with you.
Not now, and probably not ever.
One more lyric from Noah & the Whale?
Since you insist:
"Cause it's time to leave those feelings behind,
Cause blue skies are calling, but I know that it's hard."
To make this come full circle, I don't want you to know how I feel or how I've felt, and I don't want these feelings to grow.
So keep being the guy I don't know how I fell for, and I'll try to stop liking you, okay?
One day, I'll regret this blog. But not as much as I regret the other one from October about the same guy. Crazy how that works.
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