Birds.

All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you.

Birds can fly so high, and they can shit on your head,

and they can almost fly into your eye, and make you feel so scared, 

but when you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful,

that's how I feel about you.

In too deep.

And Another.

I don't want to ever let my heart be so consumed by the things I don't have.

Because I have everything I could ever need.

And on top of that, I have the greatest people in the world to call my friends and family.

I'm going to make it.

Love for your money.

Sometimes, it literally feels like too much for my emotions to handle that some people have so much, and others have so little.

I got a $300 medical bill in the mail today, and with no money to pay it, I had to call my mom and dump that problem on her. My mom, who can't even afford her medicine, and has hospital bills that probably total over a million dollars. 

So what do I do? Do I call the people I know with money and beg for a loan, knowing they will hold me accountable to paying back every penny? 

Do I abandon this dream of living radically for the sake of my family?

And then there are people around me who are missing meals and going hungry. Meanwhile, the people in their mansions on the hills of Honolulu are looking down and they don't see the poverty of the people.

So while mass amounts of Americans were out shopping last night for things they probably don't need, I was out camping on the north shore of Hawaii,  surrounded by homeless people, just trying to survive.  Sleeping 10 ft from the nicest man I know who woul give you the sweater off his back, and die of hypothermia in the process, if it meant you weren't so cold. Yet, this man has absolutely no money and is missing meals. 

The world's just not fair. And I can't save him, because in a month, that person with no money will be me.   

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

On Sandcastles.

I'm building my sandcastle so high.

It's got a mote, and a bridge, and a flag, and these walls around it to make sure it never falls, but when that tide comes in, nothing will stop my sandcastle from falling down.

And will this be worth it then?

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Broken.

This is history repeating itself.

Hold on while I pick my heart up off the floor while I lose respect for the person I loved most.

On another note.

It's really emotionally exhausting to think that I'm invested in the lives of people that I love and care about, and in a month, they will leave.

And half of them, I will probably never see again.

Is this what I signed up for?

What A Beautiful Mess This Is.

I'm not sure if I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams, or if it's just really beginning.

All I know is that today, I'm thankful for the things I can't put into words.

And I'm so grateful that someone was willing to hold me yesterday, while I dry heaved my snotty nose and tears all over them. 

I'm really good at handling things, until there's some sort of opposition.

And I don't want to feel weak, but I know my heart is sensitive for a reason.

And I don't want to carry these burdens and lies I keep telling myself, but they're all I've ever known. 

And now you're calling me to live in freedom, and security in You, and who You say I am.

And that's scary.

Please just tell me healing is out there.

And that one day, I'll be the strong woman I've always wanted to be.

Because yesterday, I just couldn't be strong.

So I wept.

And today, I'm not feeling too strong either.

But I know I'm in the place I need to be to experience the healing my heart longs for.

I've got freedom on my mind.

On Boy-Girl Friendships.

I guess maybe I should be worried that you're the first person that comes to mind when I get really excited or really sad.

And maybe I should be concerned that you make me laugh more than any one else does.

Or MAYBE I'm just being spoon fed the beliefs of those around me that I am not competent or capable enough to hang out with a man and not let my emotions get in the way.

I don't like him. That's the beauty of our friendship. Do I love him and totally want the best for him in every single way? 

Yes. 

Is he hands down, my favorite person to be around?

Absolutely. 

Do I feel like i can be 100% myself around him and not worry about being judged? 

For sure.

 

I get that I'm a sand castle. And that one day, I'll get left behind for some beautiful woman. 

But I'd like to have this God glorifying friendship with a guy who convinces me that good guys do exist, and that they actually think girls like me are cool. Or something.

And that's fine. I just can't hang out with him too much or laugh too loudly at his jokes. And while we're at it, I should probably avoid him altogether.

Christian community. It is not always easy.

Apology for the One Who Won't Read It.

I'm sorry for the way we confronted you.

I'm sorry you trusted me with things, and I lost your respect and your trust by telling someone else.

I'm sorry that's the vision we gave you of religion.

I'm sorry we made you feel like a hooker.

I'm sorry that from that night forward, our friendship was never the same.

I'm sorry that it eventually led to a falling out.

I'm sorry for the things I said, to your face, and behind your back.

I'm sorry your family won't even talk to me now. 

I'm sorry my family now lives two blocks from yours.

I'm sorry for all of it.

And you'll never read this. 

But I hope by putting it out there, the guilt and the shame is washed from my hands.

I had no right to do what I did, but i was only 15, and I was just trying to make it through. 

So yeah.

I mean every word of this. 

Maybe one day, I can actually say it to your face.
'

Higher. Deeper. Called.

The truth is, I'm only living a fraction of as radically as I want to.

So maybe it's okay that I'm only being supported with a fraction of what I think I need.

But that does instill some fear in me, both for the future and the fact that this is my heart.

This is my calling.

There is no other way.

There is no other answer.

If I don't pour my heart out for those starving children, those girls being sold into sex-trafficking, those women being beaten and bruised, I will not be content.

I will not be fulfilled.

I will not be happy.

I will not be where I need to be.

So take your white-picket fence, and your laundry machines, and your belief that if I don't fund raise a thousand a month, I won't make it.

It's not that I think I have something you don't.

It's just that, would you be doing this if you missed meals, for lack of money? Would you be doing this if it were uncomfortable, all the time? Would you be doing this if it put your life at risk?

Because I would. I am. I will.

And it's scary, because I'm giving up on my own dreams to pursue these God-given ones.

But You have called me higher, You have called me deeper, and I'll go where you will lead me, Lord.