If it were a competition...

You would win.

In every.way.possible.

Charming Cheaters.

Disregard the lies that he will tell
and what he's probably like 'cause
It's not hard, his charm is gonna
Get him through the night.

I'm following myself just this once.

Hawaii, here I come.

Things I wish I could say.

1) I spent some time comparing Jimi Hendrix and Led Zepplein. I guess I just think Hendrix sounds a little bit more clean, if that makes sense? I also like his voice more. Oh, and I've liked you for 8 months... But yeah, how bout that Jimi?

2) Stop. You're an asshole, and you have been since the day you became my step-father, but you have no right to do what you're doing. Don't you realize you're screwing up your son's life as much as hers? Leave us alone.

3) I believe in my perception of You, but I guess I could be wrong. And if I was and You weren't what i thought you were, I'm not sure how I would handle that. I'm actually not sure to what extent I believe the things I believe. Dang it.

i like you.

We shouldn't care about the people who don't make time for us.
We shouldn't care about the people who refuse to do something with their lives.
We shouldn't care about people like that.
We should let them leave our lives, without making any attempt to stop them.


I shouldn't care about people that don't care about me, but I do.

Come on, skinny love.

I told you to be patient.

I told you to be fine.

I told you to be balanced,

and I told you to be kind.

Now, all your love was wasted and who the hell was I?

I'm breaking at the bridges and at the end of all your lines.

Who will love you?

Who will fight?

Who will fall far behind?

My cure for anxiety?

I run.

I feel myself getting closer to a decision.

I feel myself growing and preparing for the major change that's coming.

That makes this whole process easier.

Now if only I could stop myself from...this feeling thing.

We're just late bloomers is all.

Guys don't throw themselves at me, and never really have.
For a while, I actually thought there was something wrong with me.
Now, I know that's not the case.
I won't settle.
That's not to say I won't give someone a chance, but I just won't attempt to force myself to have feelings for someone, and I won't lower my standards for a boy, even if I am attracted to him.
Last night, I was talking to one of my favorite people, and she told me she never even went on a date until her freshmen year in college, and after that guy, she didn't date anyone again until she was out of college. Now, she's met the love of her life, who is fighting pancreatic cancer. If you could send some prayers there way or healthy thoughts of healing, because they deserve everything this world has to offer, and more than anything, they deserve happiness and the chance to live a long life together.

She told me he was worth the wait.


When I told her about my recent moving on, she said she was glad, because he didn't deserve my attention or my affection, and I honestly agree.


So, here's to finally knowing and believing that someday a guy will come along, and I'll get all the things I've dreamed about since I was a little girl, first learning about falling in love.

For now, I'm enjoying the single life.

The Longer I Run.

Today, I baked cupcakes,

& I read books,

& I long-boarded,

& I made a pyramid with a bunch of drama kids, and was spun around in a trust-fall circle.

I'm so done with school for the year, and that gets me thinking that maybe I'm done with school forever.

I really enjoy learning, and reading is quite possibly my favorite thing, but I just can't shake the feeling that college isn't what I want to do.

I know it's crazy, and I haven't made any decisions yet, but it's on my mind.

All. The. Time.

Fragile.

Today, my mom gave CPR to a man at her work when he suddenly collapsed while his wife received chemo.
He wasn't even the sick one.
He died.
That got me thinking about the fragility of life and how quickly it's over.

I think about how I'll die a lot, and especially when I run.
As morbid as it sounds, I think about who'll miss me and really worry about that.
But I'm not afraid to die.
I'm mostly afraid to not live enough.

I'm afraid to not say enough.
Maybe to that person that I know has a shitty family life or to the person I get caught next to in the hallway.
I'm afraid to let fear control me.
Like I'll choose the safe option and I'll never tell people how I really feel about them.

I'm really afraid no one will ever fall in love with me, and I'll die alone surrounded by cats and dogs and goldfish.

So I do have a lot I feel I need to happen before I die, but dying just seems so easy.

Like forfeiting or something when you know you're going to lose.

I know this blog makes no sense, but anxiety has kicked in again, and all I think about is time and not having enough and not knowing what to do with it.

It's beginning to get to me.

I'm not the only one that suspects it.

Perception.

The word didn't feel right for what I was trying to say.

I've been dwelling on my flaws a lot and the way other people see and the way I see myself, but I realized something today.

Those two things are not the same:

The way other people see me vs. the way I see myself.

I mean, I look in the mirror and I really struggle with every little thing I find wrong with me.

But other people don't look at me and do that.

People have shown me a lot of love this week, and told me I'm beautiful numerous times, and in the past, I took that as their pity, and didn't believe them(which is ridiculous)

I guess this is just one of my own personal devils that I'm fighting.

One thing I figured out today:

I'm happy with the person I am, the friends I keep, the way I love, and all the quirks that make me, me.

I just have to learn to let go of the things I can't control and accept myself for who I am.

Some people are going to think I'm beautiful and some people aren't.

Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.

Up to Now.

Up to now, I've know that my life, in some ways, would repeat itself.
Up to now, I knew that every monday-friday, I would wake up at 6 and prepare to go to school, unless there were certain circumstances like summer or holidays.
Up to now, I knew I'd attend every home football game, and stand in the second row and cheer my heart out.
Up to now, I knew where I'd be going to school and who I would live with.
Up to now, the big decisions in my life have been made for me.

Now, these decisions are mine for the making.

Everything is about to change, and I'm one of those people who can truthfully say I like change.
I get bored if things continue the way they are for too long, but everything is about to change.
Where I live.
Who I live with.
What I do on a daily basis.

Anxiety is attacking again.

More like me.

It was a growing up day.

I'm really ready to move on this time.

I get it now.

I deserve better. Better than you. Better than settling.

I don't want to waste one more second doting upon you.

I'm ready to be Casey now. If that makes any sense.

Please.

What I need more than anything else, is to be okay with being me, and when you're around, something in my brain just turns off and I become somebody else.

It's like, I know I'm funny, and then you show up, and everybody loves you and thinks you're funny, and I know you don't think I'm funny, so I just stay really quiet, and if I do make a joke(that generally lacks the ability to be funny,) I only say it to the person closest to me, which seems to be Brenna more often than not.

And I kind of slouch over too and avoid making eye contact.

I like me. I think I'm kind of funny, I enjoy making people laugh, and I really like laughing.

I also like listening to people, even when they anger me more often then not.

You make me feel like a poser.

A useless, space consuming, (insert scientific terms to make this sound educated) poser.

And I don't like that.