Realizations.

My body is not perfect, but it's perfect for me. I'm not too big and I'm not too small.

My thieghs might jiggle when I run, but ya know, they've carried me over hills, acorss ponds, into valleys, and will take me running around the world. I have a new rule of thumb, anytime I visit somewhere new, I have to go for a run.

 My forehead might crinkle and and show signs of premature aging, but I wear my emotions on my face, and that's something great actors do. If you do some reseach, most fantastic actors have wrinkles on their forehead.. Or they use botox.

My nose allows me to smell flowers, and cheeseburgers. It also helps keep my glasses up. Thanks nose.

Today, while trying on prom dresses with my mom, I felt pretty. That's something I haven't really felt in a long time, and it was nice.

We drive around to a few different places and I just got to talk to her and pour out my heart over everything.

Over a year ago, I wrote a blog about how my mom was always the one to bring me out of the slumps, and here she was, doing it again today.

I love my mom, and I'm working on loving me, flaws and all.

Under my Skin.

I went for a run today, and as I neared the top of a hill pretty early in my run, I realized tears were coming out of my eyes.

Normally, I feel the urge to cry coming, just like I know the exact moment I need to puke, by feeling the warmth in my cheeks.

The rest of the run, I tried to evaluate why the waterworks began so abruptly, and I finally realized it's a compilation of things.

So, I made a list.

1. Never feeling good enough. Even the things I appreciate about myself, i come to not appreciate when I compare them to another person. I have so many problems with that.

2. Liking a guy who will absolutely never feel the same way. I think I've known that since this all began in October, but... I fell for his good looks and quick-wit humor anyway.

3. Doubting everything about my future. The more I think about college, the more I don't want to do it. Is that crazy? Is that stupid? I go through moments where I don't feel like it's right for me, or where God wants me. Even deciding on a college in Georgia is scary, because my ex step-father has so much power, and I cannot leave my mom in Washington alone. I know some of you think that's stupid, but I just can't. If he stops her from moving to Georgia, I'm not going either.

I like running. Sometimes, it makes me incredibly happy and sometimes, I guess it makes me cry.

I lied. It's another one of those blogs.

What I heard tonight broke my heart.

I think you're absolutely beautiful, but I know this can't end well.

I wish I could put my feelings into a blog successfully, but I can't.

I just don't want to be the girl that get's taken advantage of in an attempt to win the guy.

That doesn't seem to ever work.

I'll move on, I swear I will.

It just might not be until I'm 3,000 miles away.

If I.

If I look to my right, will I see the one I'll fight for?

If I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart locked up so tight?

"If you love right, there's no room for hate left."

Thanks.

I'm so much better then I've been and that's because of the incredible love I've received from the people around me.

Here's a few shout-outs:

Micah- I don't know what I'll do without you when I leave. You... I don't know how to explain what you mean to me, but it's a lot. Thanks for always listening and never trying to solve my problems. You're one of my best friends.

Madeleine: You inspire me so much. You have such a bubbliness about you that really makes any day better, and our adventures, whether they be planking in Pike Place or rowing out to the middle of your lake, always put me in a good mood. I love you.

Brenna: Man.. You got me hooked on the word man. I really love you, and I'm happy our friendship has grown, because I don't know what I'd have done without you the past few days. I know prom night is going to be 100 times better just because you'll be there. Thanks for being the incredible, eccentric you.

Erika: Your inspiring texts always lift me up and come at the perfect moments. You're going to do so wonderfully in your ministry, because you just have something about you that not everyone has, and that's the ability to show your love for all people, and step out of your comfort zone to make people feel loved and safe. I love you.

Daphne: Thanks for all your hugs this past week. They really make my day so much better, and I understand why you always get such similar roles. You're just so good at caring about people and wanting to be there for them and protect them.

Fergie, Fineman, McKenzie: Thanks. For everything.

Mommy & Grandma-Thanks for always making sure I know I'm loved and am beautiful. Thanks for convincing me there's nothing wrong with me, and it's the boys that are stupid.

Also, thanks to Colby. For his support. and being one of my best friends.

Oh, and Sam Schubach! I just love that girl.

Okay, the list is getting extensive.

To summarize, I'm loved and I get that.

So, thanks for showing me.

One more venting.

I've cried over this more times than I can count, but this has to stop. I don't want to be that girl that needs reassurance that she is beautiful, and the growing number of people I vent to just makes me feel even more pathetic.

I hate that word.

Pathetic.

I've gotten used to this gift of being single, and I've been nice to everyone I've met my whole life.

I just thought someone might take up what seems to be the burden of taking me to prom.

I'll get over it.

I'll be home soon.

For now, I just feel unwanted.

But, not forever.

On the plus side, I got a distinguished on my portfolio!

I thought maybe I would stop comparing myself to you when we were no longer friends, but that didn't happen.

I just want to be happy with the person that I am.

Crazy Christians

I guess I doubt my faith the most when I feel like I have to conform to meet the societal expectations of a Christian.

Truth be told, society generally thinks Christians are douchebags.

And I don't want to go into other countries and tell people that their religion is wrong.

I do believe I could search the world and nothing could fill me up like Jesus, but I think people need to see that for themselves. Not just be told.

Christians need to show God's love through their actions, and that doesn't include shoving Jesus down their throat. We're supposed to be set apart, but all too often, the perception of

that turns into condemnation and self-righteousness.

Don't get me wrong. We follow a guy named Jesus who set an incredible example for how we should live our lives, but if you want other people to get to know him, we need to represent him with a little more love and a little less judgement.

It ain't me, babe.

You say you're looking for someone who's never weak, but always strong.

To protect you and defend you. Whether you are right or wrong.

Someone to open each and every door.

It ain't me babe. No, No, No.

It ain't me babe.

It ain't me you're looking for, babe.

I'm not the one you want, babe.

I'll only let you down.

Masters In China.

Sometimes, I find myself crying and I have no idea why.

It's like people tell me things and I'm not myself anymore.

Like, I think I literally feel their pain.

I guess that's empathy, huh?

The rain doesn't help and...I just want to feel a lot of things that I'm not.

like content.

and happy.

and beautiful.

The Waiting Game.

If this continues, I'm just going to hate prom.

It seems like nobody can organize anything, because dates are flaky and limos aren't cheap.

I just want a fun night. I don't want to be in love with my date, but I do want to enjoy his company.

I don't care about dinner. We can hit up the McDonald's drive-thru, we can have a picnic, we can eat leftovers, we can eat candy. It all works for me.

I don't care how we get there. A vehicle would be preferable, but you don't want to pay $35 dollars for a limo? It's cool, I don't either.

I don't care what we do afterwards.

I don't care if you can't dance.

I don't care if you don't wear a tux.

I just really don't want to go alone.

Is that too much to ask?

What I wish I could say.

You're really one of my best friends, and when one of those girls you party with breaks your heart, or refuses to sleep with you, or tells you that you need to get your crap together, I'll be here.
Ready to go for long walks until we run out of things to say.
Ready to listen.
But until then, I'll let you ignore me, because that's just so typical of you.

This is the last blog I write while you're even on my mind.

I guess my issue came from the fact that I held on for too long.

Because, in all honesty, I don't like you anymore.

I don't think you're really that funny.

And you don't think I am either, and maybe I'm not, but I want someone I can laugh with and at, and make laugh. I expect a lot.

Or maybe our personalities just don't mesh?

Or maybe I just realized this wasn't going anywhere?

But mostly, I realized it would never be me you were caught staring at.

and that was a sucky realization.

Black sheep.

Sometimes, I don't understand what I did wrong.

I just see your aggravation and I worry that you love me less.

Or maybe you're trying to let me go?

This is home.

I like it here.

Reality & Dreams

There's this song by Noah and the Whale called "Shape of my Heart" and I never really liked it, but today, while procrastinating on packing, a certain lyric really stuck with me.

"If there's any love in me, don't let it show.
If there's any love in me, don't let it grow."

My extended family has a habit of asking me if I have a boyfriend, and generally my answer is no, but today, I figured why not bare my heart? It's a Sunday. So I told them I've liked the same guy all year. I left out the part that I think I might have liked him since 9th grade. I guess it's sounds pretty pathetic.

Another pathetic thing? That one night, when I caught you looking at me while I danced around, I'm not sure if it was because I was pleasing to look at, or if you thought I looked like a freak, with long limbs swinging.

I guess I'll never know.

& I guess I'll never know if that time in 9th grade, when we sat next to each other in math, meant anything to you.

Or this whole year, which was spent doting upon you.

I guess that one night was an opportunity to take a risk, but knowing and partially believing what went down in the room right above us, I just didn't feel like taking a chance. Not with you.
Not now, and probably not ever.

One more lyric from Noah & the Whale?

Since you insist:

"Cause it's time to leave those feelings behind,
Cause blue skies are calling, but I know that it's hard."

To make this come full circle, I don't want you to know how I feel or how I've felt, and I don't want these feelings to grow.

So keep being the guy I don't know how I fell for, and I'll try to stop liking you, okay?

One day, I'll regret this blog. But not as much as I regret the other one from October about the same guy. Crazy how that works.