so small

Some days I feel like a tiny insignificant being.  I can't really describe it, but if you've feeled this way, you know what I mean.

To be one car on the freeway.

To be one Washingtonian.

To be one American.

To be one Christian.

To be one blonde.

To be one human.

To feel as if no one will care if you go off the deep end.

Somedays, my belief in God scares me because thousands of other people believe the same thing.

Millions of other people are sending up prayers that are much more important than mine.

I'm one fish in a sea, and sometimes, that makes me feel as tiny as a grain of rice.

longest 4 years of my life.

"It's only four years long.

Then it's gone.

and the Queen of the nerds and the King of the prom

get a job.

Look at them now.

She's living her dream, while he sleeps with his crown.

Be cool, Be hard, Be real.

Be happy while you're here.

It's just four years."

For a few months now, I've struggled with whether to do running start next year or complete my last year of high school at WHS.  I sincerely love my school, but I loathe it sometimes too.  The first time someone tried to convince me to do running start, I said no.

I felt like I was making a difference at Washington.  I was helping lead the Bible Club at school and it was successful.  I was a varsity Cross Country Runner.  I loved my teachers.  Drama was my heart & soul and people knew me.  I definitely wasn't the most popular, but I didn't get stepped on either.

This year, everything is different.

I feel like I have a a rock hanging over my head and as soon as those semester grades come out, it will fall and I'll be crushed.  Never to be pulled out again.

I'm not doing the things I love because I feel as if I don't have time.

Everyone is expecting so much from me, that I just can't live up to all of it.

I didn't get that coveted Captain position of the XC team.  A freshmen did.

I have 5 years of college ahead of me.

If I do nursing, goodbye life and hello stress.

These are a few reasons Pierce looks so enticing.

A year of college done.  3 classes instead of 6. 

Possibly less people talking behind my back?

A best friend I won't miss everyday because he'll be getting an english degree.

New teachers, reunited with many friends, and no AP tests.

It does seem kind of perfect, but it's my senior year!  The year I get to apply to all these colleges and jump around when I get in.

I want to savor it.

I want to start college living in some dorm as a freshman.

I want to be a senior on my high school campus.

I want to be cast as the lead role in the school play(again.  tehehe)

I want to give a speech at graduation. 

I want to go to assemblies and do everything high school has to offer in my last year.

Each side has its benefits and at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make.

Well, it is, but I reject free will.

If God didn't want me to doing running start last year, when almost all my friends were, I cannot oblige if he doesn't want it this year either.

Like Jon Mclaughlin says:

It's only four years long.

Too much terror.

My last two posts have held the word terror.
You want to know one of the only things that doesn't terrify me?
Sleep.
Actually, sometimes it does.
Sometimes, I have terrible nightmares.
Especially lately.
Last night, I didn't!
I woke my brother up at 3:43 am and we went to see what Santa had left out.
That's one of the many joys of having a 6 year old brother. 
You get to pretend a little while longer and you keep saying it and start to believe it.
"SANTA IS REAL."
The thing is, there is someone so much greater than Santa.
His name is Jesus.
Even if He wasn't born December 25, He's still the reason for the season.
I think I lost sight of that for a while.
I bought gifts. I shook mine to see what it was.
I watched Christmas movies.
What finally got me into the "Christmas Spirit" was a long talk with my mom about the wonderfulness of Jesus.
The story behind my mom's religion is difficult to explain.
Here's a gist.
Jehovah's Witness.  Got pregnant.  Turned away.  Shunned by family.
Luckily, most of the shunning is done and my mom's over it and our family is cool.
The thing is, she still loves Jesus.
I see it in every thing she says & does.
She sacrifices every single day for our family.
This morning, before the gift unwrapping began, she asked everyone to say something we're thankful for.
Her's was: "I'm thankful to be in good health and not have the same conditions as the most of the people I see it everyday."
My 6-year old brothers was: "I'm thankful to have parents that our together."
It was so adorable.
I guess this post is kind of just a run on about how it took me until Christmas Day to get into the "spirit" 
Better late than never, right?
Oh, and my mom and I will be trying out churches to attend:)

Forward Motion.

My future terrifies me, because it's not mine to make.

I guess free will means I could do whatever I want.

But, I choose God's will.

I choose His Way, because it's a billion times better than mine.

I think about majoring in elementary education and teaching at a school in Washington,

and I feel safe; almost like nothing can harm me.

Then I think about what my life would be and I see discontentment.

I see myself doing what I want to do.  What doesn't push me to the edge.

It's not what He wants.

What He wants sounds incredible, but it's sacrifice.

Sacrifice isn't easy.

I worry that I won't have a future husband that will want the same thing.

I worry that my kids will hate me, because they can't be like normal American kids.

I worry that my family will not support me.

I worry that I'll get killed for my belief in God.

I worry I won't suffice.

I worry I won't be strong enough.

Every day, I'm trying to cast my worries on God.

Only He can carry my burdens.

It terrifies me.

"I am still here and going no where."

I have a new text.

I don't want to open it because I know.

I know you're leaving.

That terrifies me.

525 miles.

Breakable

My glue is God.

Now I just need my pieces to be too.

As I sit here.

My brother is sitting next to me eating chips.  I love himmmmm.  Good golly, I'm so blessed.

Every year.

When I was 9, I heard my uncle talking about how he had the gifts from Santa in his car.

I wanted to believe in Santa until I was atleast 15.

All the kids in school said he was fake, but I didn't stop believing. 

Never stop believing is something I live by.

Sadly, with my uncle talking about "Santa's Gifts" being in his trunk, I stopped believing.

I guess I liked the idea of Santa because I thought there must be hope for this world.

I thought that every single kid was going to get a gift and the holidays would be wonderful for all the kiddos of the world.

That day, I realized I was wrong.

Not all the kids were going to get gifts.

Some kids were just going to sit in hospital beds dying, or in a foster home wishing they had a family.

Some kids were going to be out drinking or getting pregnant.

Some kids were going to have all they could ever ask for and not be jolly.

I'm the last one.

Since 9, I've never been excited about Christmas.

I know I sound like a Bah Humbug, but I'm just being honest.

Every year, my parents(mom, uncle, step-dad) spoil me with gifts and yes, I generally like them.

But I'm never happy.

This year, I choose happiness.

If you want to know my plans for break, here they are:

-I'll be going to my mom's work and talking with cancer patients.

-I'll be volunteering at Mary Bridge with the kiddos.  Reading books, playing with dolls, something.

-I'll be reading my bible every morning after a morning run.

-I'll be working on homework for hours, because one day, I'll be thankful for all that hard work.

-I'll be striving to be a light no matter where I am or who I am with.

-I will not be watching Grey's Anatomy for hours on end.

-I'll be strengthening my friendships with all my lovely friends.

I feel this urge to do something these holidays. 

To give back.  So cliche, but so true.

Anyone wanna join me?

P.S. Jesus replaced Santa in my life when I was 13 and I'm thankful for that everyday.



Winnie the Pooh

"You're braver than you believe, and smarter than you seem, and stronger than you think."

Just keep saying it.

FOCUSSS.

One man.

One amazing man holds the key to my heart

and he's worth it. 

More than worth it.

He's just not here yet.

The challenging part is not to seek him.

He's out there.

I know it.

He'd be dissapointed in me on days like today.

I have to work on that.

Purity is not just physical. 

Purity is what I am aiming for.

I'm thankful to have friends that keep me on track

and a hope that only my One True Love could provide.

So, even when my dad isn't handing me off at my wedding,

I'd like to think Jesus will be handing my heart off in a way.

Like, this great work He has been sculpting for marriage

and finally!  It's ready to be given away. 

Not given away to just anyone though.

Becuase, He's sculpting my love's heart too.

Hopefully in purity and love and kindness and patience. 

In the same way He's holding my hand, He's holding his.

One day, He'll draw our two hands together and that, my dear, is what I will call love. 

boy makes bet and loses.

I don't really want to write a news article.  So I'll just leave it at the title.

Today, I stand.

Mark my words.

Today I will stand up for myself.

I will not allow myself to be stepped on like an ant any longer.

I bring good topics to the table and maybe, if you weren't so busy rolling your eyes at me behind my back, you'd hear them.

I undertand you dislike me.

I don't know why.

Today, you will tell me to my face because I'm sick of getting stepped on.

It's been happening since I was in kindergarten and today, it stops.

Compare, no fair.

Sometimes, I feel as courageous as a lion and other times, I feel as measly as a mouse.

Lately, it's been the latter. 

those community members

She said 'community members' like it was a bad thing.  Like the people of Parkland are the vermin of the Earth and she definitely couldn't trust them with her $15 CD player under the Christmas Tree.  My church sets up the tree every year and the gifts go to kids who probably wouldn't get gifts on Christmas morning otherwise.  I happened to be standing by the tree and so her question was directed at me.  "Do you think it's safe to leave my gifts here?"  "Ummmm;" pretty much my response to any question.  Seeing as my answer wasn't a word in the English dictionary, she decided it was better not to with the comment, "There are a lot of community members here."  Community members, as in not church members.  As in, these people are bad because they aren't dressed up enough to be classified as part of our church.  These people are bad because they don't know Jesus.  These people are bad cause they live in Parkland and it is GHETTO(this is normally how I hear people say it.)  I've lived in Parkland for over 10 years now.  I am honestly proud of it.  There have been things that have happened in my community that I'm not proud of.  A boy shot his mom a few miles up the road; a man named Maurice Clemmons shot 4 cops 3 streets away from my house.  Yes, 3.  There are 22 sex offenders in a 2 mile radius of my house.  Even with all this included, I love Parkland.  Granted, I'm excited to leave it, but it won't be forever.  I'll return whether it be my high school reunion and everyone that was a jerk to me will look at me in wonder cause I'll be a famous model(haaaaaa, that was definitely a joke,) or if I return to be a teacher at my Alma mater. I'm proud of my 'hood.  So run and tell that, homeboy home-home-homeboy. 

thoughts

boobie bracelets

party

Jesus

madeleine

cars

oreos

trampolines

grandpa

college

passport

nostalgia

christopher

scrarf

wind

rudolph

erika

cake

sorry

letters

husband

dcfc

paper

clips

paper

cuts

paper

hearts