so small

Some days I feel like a tiny insignificant being.  I can't really describe it, but if you've feeled this way, you know what I mean.

To be one car on the freeway.

To be one Washingtonian.

To be one American.

To be one Christian.

To be one blonde.

To be one human.

To feel as if no one will care if you go off the deep end.

Somedays, my belief in God scares me because thousands of other people believe the same thing.

Millions of other people are sending up prayers that are much more important than mine.

I'm one fish in a sea, and sometimes, that makes me feel as tiny as a grain of rice.

longest 4 years of my life.

"It's only four years long.

Then it's gone.

and the Queen of the nerds and the King of the prom

get a job.

Look at them now.

She's living her dream, while he sleeps with his crown.

Be cool, Be hard, Be real.

Be happy while you're here.

It's just four years."

For a few months now, I've struggled with whether to do running start next year or complete my last year of high school at WHS.  I sincerely love my school, but I loathe it sometimes too.  The first time someone tried to convince me to do running start, I said no.

I felt like I was making a difference at Washington.  I was helping lead the Bible Club at school and it was successful.  I was a varsity Cross Country Runner.  I loved my teachers.  Drama was my heart & soul and people knew me.  I definitely wasn't the most popular, but I didn't get stepped on either.

This year, everything is different.

I feel like I have a a rock hanging over my head and as soon as those semester grades come out, it will fall and I'll be crushed.  Never to be pulled out again.

I'm not doing the things I love because I feel as if I don't have time.

Everyone is expecting so much from me, that I just can't live up to all of it.

I didn't get that coveted Captain position of the XC team.  A freshmen did.

I have 5 years of college ahead of me.

If I do nursing, goodbye life and hello stress.

These are a few reasons Pierce looks so enticing.

A year of college done.  3 classes instead of 6. 

Possibly less people talking behind my back?

A best friend I won't miss everyday because he'll be getting an english degree.

New teachers, reunited with many friends, and no AP tests.

It does seem kind of perfect, but it's my senior year!  The year I get to apply to all these colleges and jump around when I get in.

I want to savor it.

I want to start college living in some dorm as a freshman.

I want to be a senior on my high school campus.

I want to be cast as the lead role in the school play(again.  tehehe)

I want to give a speech at graduation. 

I want to go to assemblies and do everything high school has to offer in my last year.

Each side has its benefits and at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make.

Well, it is, but I reject free will.

If God didn't want me to doing running start last year, when almost all my friends were, I cannot oblige if he doesn't want it this year either.

Like Jon Mclaughlin says:

It's only four years long.

Too much terror.

My last two posts have held the word terror.
You want to know one of the only things that doesn't terrify me?
Sleep.
Actually, sometimes it does.
Sometimes, I have terrible nightmares.
Especially lately.
Last night, I didn't!
I woke my brother up at 3:43 am and we went to see what Santa had left out.
That's one of the many joys of having a 6 year old brother. 
You get to pretend a little while longer and you keep saying it and start to believe it.
"SANTA IS REAL."
The thing is, there is someone so much greater than Santa.
His name is Jesus.
Even if He wasn't born December 25, He's still the reason for the season.
I think I lost sight of that for a while.
I bought gifts. I shook mine to see what it was.
I watched Christmas movies.
What finally got me into the "Christmas Spirit" was a long talk with my mom about the wonderfulness of Jesus.
The story behind my mom's religion is difficult to explain.
Here's a gist.
Jehovah's Witness.  Got pregnant.  Turned away.  Shunned by family.
Luckily, most of the shunning is done and my mom's over it and our family is cool.
The thing is, she still loves Jesus.
I see it in every thing she says & does.
She sacrifices every single day for our family.
This morning, before the gift unwrapping began, she asked everyone to say something we're thankful for.
Her's was: "I'm thankful to be in good health and not have the same conditions as the most of the people I see it everyday."
My 6-year old brothers was: "I'm thankful to have parents that our together."
It was so adorable.
I guess this post is kind of just a run on about how it took me until Christmas Day to get into the "spirit" 
Better late than never, right?
Oh, and my mom and I will be trying out churches to attend:)

Forward Motion.

My future terrifies me, because it's not mine to make.

I guess free will means I could do whatever I want.

But, I choose God's will.

I choose His Way, because it's a billion times better than mine.

I think about majoring in elementary education and teaching at a school in Washington,

and I feel safe; almost like nothing can harm me.

Then I think about what my life would be and I see discontentment.

I see myself doing what I want to do.  What doesn't push me to the edge.

It's not what He wants.

What He wants sounds incredible, but it's sacrifice.

Sacrifice isn't easy.

I worry that I won't have a future husband that will want the same thing.

I worry that my kids will hate me, because they can't be like normal American kids.

I worry that my family will not support me.

I worry that I'll get killed for my belief in God.

I worry I won't suffice.

I worry I won't be strong enough.

Every day, I'm trying to cast my worries on God.

Only He can carry my burdens.

It terrifies me.

"I am still here and going no where."

I have a new text.

I don't want to open it because I know.

I know you're leaving.

That terrifies me.

525 miles.

Breakable

My glue is God.

Now I just need my pieces to be too.

As I sit here.

My brother is sitting next to me eating chips.  I love himmmmm.  Good golly, I'm so blessed.