Some things do change, I guess.

It's cool to talk to my dad about things like God, and marriage, and the crazy, unconventional dates I go on.

And I like when he gives me advice.

And that he supports what I'm doing with my life.

A lot of my "daddy issues" came out in Hawaii, and I think a lot of healing happened there.

It's a long road to recovery, and I know he can't go back and change all the times he missed birthdays, and said he'd call, but never did. And I can't pretend that those things didn't hurt me.

But I think maybe I'm just beginning to accept that just because he couldn't be the father I wanted him to be doesn't mean he loved me any less. 

And I think my heart was set free a little bit more when I truthfully forgave him for those shortcomings.

I love you Dad. I really do.

It turns out, you're right.

Looks like I'll be spending Christmas in Hawaii.

Which means one full year away from home.

But home is a relative word.

I think home is where there's love and acceptance.

And if that's the case, I'm going to make the world my home.

Who says Christmas in Hawaii can't be as wonderful as Christmas in Columbus?

Ménière’s Disease

I've never been diagnosed with a disease before, and I've been healthy almost all my life.

Which is why I'm terrified to go to the doctor.

Because incurable is a scary word.

And I'm only 19.

Someone hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay.

On death.

It's crazy to think that death has the power to strengthen marriages or to end them.

Tonight, I saw one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. 

Charlotte, a beautiful lady on the inside and out, stood over her deceased mother's body and said goodbye for the last time. Then, her husband came up, said it's time, and she and him walked away hand in hand. 

And that's love.

I don't know how long they've been married for, but I know that a love like that is meant to last.

Because these next few days and weeks are going to be hard for her. But I also know she won't have to face them alone.

And that is a love worth waiting for.

You are good.

It's a drink earl-grey tea and don't stress about the fact that I'm terrified for what September will bring kind of day.

Because things change, but You remain faithful.

Weekend.

The events that happened this past weekend deserve a blog post, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes to put my feelings down in words yet.

I'm disgusted with myself.

Carry On.

I'm trying to do this on my own. 

But the thing is I can't.

And there's no need for a sob story.

So when I show up in Hawaii with no money, I just hope and pray people believe in what I'm doing enough to support me.

Because I am giving all my money to the poor.

It just turns out the poor are a lot closer than I originally thought. 

So here's to trust:

Trusting that my family loves me enough to support me, even if they think I'm making a terrible decision that will drastically affect the rest of my life.

Trusting that my mom and my little brother are going to be okay without me around.

Trusting for guidance and provision.

Are you ok with you?

And just you?

Response.

I think it's interesting to think about the things I wanted 4 years ago or even 6 months.

I was husband hungry, or at the very least desperate for affection and someone to listen and confirm the fact that I was witty, or interesting, or even pretty.

And then I went to Hawaii.

And I found myself in a relationship that, at first, was everything I wanted.

And 1 month in, I realized it wasn't.

It wasn't the person, because to this day, I still think he is a solid guy.

And it wasn't that I fell in love with someone else, because that didn't happen either.

I just realized that the things I had thought I wanted all along, were now becoming the things that would hold me back from a dream.

And I realized I couldn't stop, I couldn't slow down, and I couldn't change for anyone. 

So the relationship ended, and I started to fly solo. Which is basically what I've known for the past 19 years I've been alive.

But this time, everything was different.

My perspective had changed in literally every way possible.

Yes, I still want to be loved.

Yes, I still want someone to vent to at the end of a terrible day.

Yes, I still want to be told I'm beautiful.

But I don't need those things anymore within the context of a relationship.

Because what isn't stressed enough about relationships is that they take work, and they require sacrifice.

And at this point in my life, I don't have that to give.

And I won't for a while.

Because right now, those child prostitutes, and dying children around the world mean WAY more to me than any guy could.

So, here's to waiting for the right guy.

And being okayyyyyy with being alone, and not being bitter about the fact that I am.

Because, one day, I'll be in the right place at the right time.

And I'll meet someone who is JUST as passionate about loving people as I am.

I have big dreams for the person he will be.

But right now, I'm not ready for that person to be a part of my life. 

So why should I complain about another dateless friday? 

Because artificial relationships only end in heartbreak anyway. 

There is so much more.

"When I heard the news,

my heart fell on the floor.

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore.

In these troubled times it's hard enough as it is.

My soul has a known a better life than this.

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,

while others don't seem to feel a thing.

Then I curse my whiteness

and I get so damn depressed.

In a world of suffering,

why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a women who lives in Colorado.

She built a monument of sorts behind the garage door,

where everyday she prays for all whom are born

and all whose souls have passed on.

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick,

I can't see how I'm gonna get through it.

But, then I'd rather be stuck up in a tree

then be tied to it.

There is so much more.

I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit.

I cant get used to my body's limits.

I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues.

They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing.

I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete.

I need to get out of this city.

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky,

wondering where I go when I die.

...When I die."

-Brett Dennen

“Each time a (wo)man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, (s)he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

-Robert Kennedy

Just some thoughts for the day.

I wasn't made for a world where the difference of our skin tones should matter.

An update, of sorts.

May 6th-Come home to Georgia.

May 8th-Get a job working 40 hours a week. I don't love it, but it will do for now.

May 22nd-Sexual harassment gets WAYYYY out of hand, and I make the grown up decision to quit my job. He should have been the one fired, let's be real. My supervisor was told,  but rather than stir up problems, I just walked out and I never went back.

May 28th-Get a new job. In sales. I suck at sales.

May 30th, 31st, and June 1st-Go to 18 HOURS of unpaid training for this new sales job.

June 3rd-Quit my second job in my first month home.

June 4th-Get a new job.

June 4th-Get a call from Bath & Body saying they need someone and have been waiting for me to come back.

June 4th-Get an e-mail for a nanny job starting in August working with an amazing 6 year old girl.<3

THANK YOU STARS FOR ALIGNING!

Maybe the lesson here is that I can't do it all on my own.

Everybody needs some help every once in a while.

Rollercoaster.

I remember the highs and lows of the past three years pretty well.

And I remember the anxiety and depression a low brought, and the happiness and joy a high brought.

Wresting season my sophomore year, that was a low. I dreaded every single day of going to practice.

And then when I tried out volleyball my senior year. That was another low. Those were the moments where I dreaded the thought of having to make a decision that was going to God forbid, let someone down. 

And then came highs.

The biggest high of my life was being in Hawaii, and it wasn't because I was living 15 minutes from one of the most beautiful beaches in the world.

It was being fulfilled. It was doing a "job" and doing it well, because I loved it so much.

Whether or not I saw the impact my job was making, I loved every single moment.

I loved being on my feet all day, every other Thursday, giving out hundreds of pounds of food, so that over 800 families could eat for another week.

I loved walking the streets of Wahiawa, where the kids that don't want to go home roam alongside the drug addicts, the drug dealers, and the prostitutes.

I loved believing; believing good guys exist in abundance, believing I can make a difference, believing God is good, all the time. 

I loved all of it.

I loved living in a two bedroom, cockroach infested(no joke) apartment with 13 other girls.

I loved having to share all my food and clothes.

I loved the things that weren't easy to accept.

I loved the people who generally went unnoticed or ignored.

I loved the broken, and I embraced the world and the people around me for what they could be, not what they are.

I fell in love, with it all.

And I experienced complete and total happiness in the midst of complete and total surrender to a call that has been placed on my life all along; a call to live simply. And to give all I have to the poor. And when I'm out of clothes and out of money, I hope to know I'll still have lots of love.

Because the Beatles had it right, that is all you need.

So suffice to say, I'm in a low. 

But I'm on the up & up.

And when I'm embarking on my journey back to Hawaii, the lows will all be worth it.

Just to be completely and totally 

happy.