If I wrote a poem that didn't rhyme, it'd go like this.

I met someone tonight who'd been married to their husband for 37 years.  They got married in their teens and were still going strong. 

Why?

Jesus.

Goodness, He's great.  I'm freakin' stoked I'm His bride. 

I don't deserve Him, but He loves me anyway.

& on my wedding day, it will be kind of like Him handing me off to some man I'll love until death.

Only not.  Because, He'll still my groom and I'll still be his bride. 

This is the love He had for me before I loved him.

This is the love I'll have until my dying day. 

It's unexplainable.

How He loves us. 

Goodbye Pun.

Whenever my family would drive by Mountain View Funeral Home in Lakewood, we'd make the joke that "people are dying to get in there."  It was a stupid, punny thing.  But, a few weeks ago, we drove by and my 5 year old brother said "that's where Grandpa is."  He's wrong but,  needless to say, we don't make the joke anymore. 

Past, Future, how bout now?

How often do people really live in the present?  Seriously, it's insanely difficult.  My body's here, sadly, but my mind is off in more wonderful, magical places. 

How often are people truly happy?  Anyone can fake a smile and I, as an actress, am incredibly effective at doing so.  People always believe it. 

Therefore, this makes my two goals almost impossible.

Be happy with where I am in life.

But, I will try & I will succeed.  Somehow.

Hello World.

My name is Casey & this is what has been on my mind as of late.

I'm only 17.  I have my whole life ahead of me and I want to treasure every moment of it.

Here are my plans.

Spring 2011:

 with her, and only her.

If her husband won't take her, I will.

Summer 2011:

 with him.  We're going home.



Summer 2012:

with none other than Sarah Haywood.

Until then:

 with occasional visits to here:

 I've grown to like the rain, so I think it will work.



add this

Have you seen my love?
Is he far away?
Have you seen the one for me?
His face lights up my day
I won't let one boy steal a kiss or call me his
Instead I'll wait for his voice to call out and carry these daydreams away

Have you seen my love?
Is he far away?
Have you seen the one for me?
I won't let him get him get away
Please tell him that I'm waiting for him
Praying for him
Night and day
For now I'll be a lonely girl longing for his sweet embrace

Please tell him that I'm waiting for him
Praying for him
Night and Day
For now I'll be a lonely girl just long for his sweet embrace

Have you seen my love

By Rosie Thomas

Add it to my love song mix.

2 months

Today marks the 2-month anniversary of my grandpa's death.  I can't even remember what I wore yesterday, but I remember that day perfectly.  I remember my mom woke me at about 6:30.  "Casey, you need to wake up.  Grandpa's dead."  I've always had an intense fear of dead bodies, and here I was, half-awake in my grandma's bed with a dead body 4 steps down a hall and 2 into my grandparents cozy living room.  I think the fact that it was more than just a body was what shook the fear.  It was a man.  A man who had driven 25 minutes to pick up my pink stuffed poodle for a girl-scout sleepover after I forgot it at home.  It was a man who took me to Salter's Point just to skip rocks.  It was a man who had oreos for me almost every day after I'd walk home from Southgate.  It was a man who'd take me to McDonald's when school started late because of snow days.  It was a man who made the best spaghetti in the world.  It was a man who surprised my grandma with a kitten when her cat was ran over.  It was a man who could navigate away from any collision.  It was a man who loved to watch the West Wing and eat Lays Potato chips with a Big Gulp coke.  It was a man who only wanted to die by that point.  That day was the third time I'd seen my grandma cry in my life: 
1st-when I went missing in Southgate neighborhood for 2 hours and no one could find me 
2nd-when she came home to find her cat dead on a tarp on the side of the road
3rd-after she'd made all the phone calls to inform people that Jay, her husband, was dead.

Gosh, I want it all back.  But, I can't and I know that.

Last night at dinner, I told my mom how I wished it was the weekend.  Her words were "Don't wish your life away, Casey."
That's exactly what I appear to be doing.
I wish it was the weekend; I wish it was Thanksgiving; I wish it was Christmas; I wish it was summer; I wish I was done with high school; I wish I was married; I wish I was done with college and teaching.  I might as well have been wishing I was dying in that hospital bed in my grandparent's small living room.  I want to be happy with where I am in life and wait for the good things God has in store to come, when He wants them to come.  Here's to enjoying everyday of my life, because that is exactly what my grandpa would have wanted.

If my brother were here.

If you knew my brother, you'd know he has a heart of gold.  If you've heard me talk about him, you know how much I miss him.  I don't believe college tears families apart.  I know what does.  I'd like to have him all to myself again. 

Luckily, I have this one.

l

l

l

V

 Most of all, I want to be like this again.



Pursuit of Purity

Today, I began a journal and dedicated it solely to letters to my future husband.  I've written letters in bits and places since my pursuit of Purity began, but never dedicated a whole journal to it.  It must be a part of growing up.  I subtracted the number of days I've been 17 from 365 to find out how many days until I'm 18.  365-22.  I did this instead of doing my AP Calculus homework.  It's still math, so A for effort.  The number represents a lot more than just the day I'm 18.  It represents more than strip clubs, lottery tickets, cigarettes, and slot machines.  It represents the day I'll figuratively enter into the  world of dating, even if I don't literally.  It represents the day where everything might change and nothing might change.  Obviously, there is a lot riding on September 29, 2011.  At the same time, there's not.  Simply because, I have no control over this area of my life.  I've heard numerous people's perspectives on the pre-marriage/engagement phase.  Some believe it's destiny; some people searched for it, some stumbled upon it.  Some people say that there's multiple people who have the potential to be the one you marry and it's simply a matter of choice.  I disagree and this is something I've spent hours pondering on.  So, what do I believe?  I believe that God is preparing the heart of the man He has in store for me.  I believe He  is all-knowing and if my will is aligned with His, I should make no mistake.  But, I also believe in free will.  I believe there's a chance that I'll go off His track for my life and marry a man who he didn't have in store.  I don't believe God will sulk in heaven for my decision.  I'll pray for my marriage to work, no matter who I marry, and I believe God will answer.  I believe that if God leads me to the college He wants me to go, I'll most likely meet the man He has prepared for me.  I believe if I seek His will everyday, which can be difficult at times, He'll put me exactly where He wants me in life and bless it abundantly.  That's my belief.  Slightly Confusing, but totally logical.    

This is how I feel.

“I wrote to find beauty and purpose, to know that love is possible and lasting and real, to see day lilies and swimming pools, loyalty and devotion, even though my eyes were closed and all that surrounded me was a darkened room.  I wrote because that was who I was at the core, and if I was too damaged to walk around the block, I was lucky all the same. Once I got to my desk, once I started writing, I still believed anything was possible.”   - Alice Hoffman

Writing is an art and I'm slowly falling in love with it.

oh, homework.

Dear homework,
I know we have a love/hate relationship, but seriously, let's work on it.  I have to deal with you for atleast 5.87 more years so we might as well try to solve our problems. 

So tonight, I'll turn on all the lights in my room, drink an amp, and KNOCK YOU OUT!  Take that sucka ;P

Your enemy,
Casey Daniels

Birthday.

Today, my father's dad celebrated his 72nd birthday.  Normally, I would just think it's another birthday, but my mom's father never got to see 72 years.  He didn't even get to see 61.  I understand everyone has to die.  I'm not saying it's wrong that my grandpa was taken away before anyone was ready to see him go.  I just think the idea of it all is strange.  Plus, I'm pretty freakin' thankful that my father's dad is still alive and kicking.  He is the one who will walk me down the aisle, so he better stay that way for atleast 10 years. 
So, Happy Birthday Papaw.  I love you lots.

Perfection

In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting 'til we're ready, 'til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
There's no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I'm singing for strangers about you
Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
Neither should I rush my way into your heart

 

Love is waiting

by Brooke Fraser



Amen.

The things that don't matter.

1.  I like to listen to Death Cab for Cutie & work on my homework on the floor.  Desks are over-rated.
2. I hate Kraft sliced cheese unless it's melted.
3. I should be doing my homework right now.(notice how it doesn't matter?)
4. I wish I was more indie.
5. I almost never brush my hair.
6. I feel like I'll be more likely to crash listening to 106.1 so I listen to 106.9.
7. I drink Earl Grey Tea every morning.
8. I don't want kids til I'm 30 or so.
9. I failed my math test today.
10. I don't like texting.
11. There was this one person & well, he used to matter, but he doesn't anymore. 

Shrek

I should be cleaning my room, but I'm not.  I'm facebook stalking people & watching Shrek.
Today was a dissapointing day, simply because I let my happiness ride on someone else's decision, or lack thereof.  I'm in a "funk" and having a lot of difficulty getting out of it.  I'm much better than I was a month ago, so that's something to be thankful for. 
This is just difficult & I can't explain why it is; it just is.

Dear Love

Dear Love,
I don't care what you say, we're getting a trampoline.  I promise to be super careful & buy a net, if you promise to jump on it with me even when you're exhausted from working.  The only thing is, we'll have to save for a while.  An elementary school teacher's salary is pretty low but, money doesn't really matter.  "Don't you worry, there my Honey.  We might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills."  I'll also blast Indie female artists like Ingrid Michaelson A LOT!  Oh, & I'll probably be a bed hog.  But, I love you & you'll love me.  So it'll all be okay.
Sincerely,
Casey Daniels.

Disclaimer:  I don't have a "love" right now, but one day, I will.  He'll be awesome & godly & strive to love people in the same way that Jesus did.  He's TOTALLY worth missing out on high school relationships now. 

Shane Mackinnon

Thanks for the egg rolls today.  Oh, & thanks for the song.  It was superrr sweet.  At least when I die, I'll know you thought the world of me at one time.  You're awesome, seriously.  I'm excited to see our friendship grow without me hating your guts for moving on.
By the way, if your relationship doesn't last til Spring, I'll gladly be your prom date seeing as Tolo failed on my part and homecoming on yours.

1 month +

Today, I curled up in a ball and cried my eyes out.  I'm not ready for my Grandpa to be referred to as "the dead man."  I'm not ready to wear his sweatshirt.  I'm not ready to tell myself that my grandma's a widow at 58.  I'm not ready to look at pictures and watch home videos.  I'm not ready to think of all the memories, although, my mind thinks I am.  I'm not ready to move on.  I'm in this strange state.  Thursday's might as well be referred to as the "emotional" day.  I'm pretty sure I've cried every one since August 26. 
I guess the truth is, I brought the tears on myself.  I was there every step of my grandpa's death.  I was there when he hit the hundred pound mark.  I was there when he stopped eating.  I was there when he slipped into a coma.  I was there when his heart stopped beating & his lungs stopped breathing.  I was there for it all.  Seeing death as a 16 year old is difficult.  Maybe that's why it's so emotional.  Maybe I'm just a weakling. 
Everyday, I think of another memory.  I think I've used up all the good ones & now, only the bad ones come back.  Two days ago, I realized I'm a selfish person & cried my eyes out then too.  I had the opportunity to spend more time with him & I chose someone else.  He layed on his deathbed & I felt like it was such a task to rub his feet.  That was all he wanted. 
I'm learning from my mistakes & cherishing the time I have with everyone I know.  I hope you do the same.
P.S.  He bought me an acoustic guitar.  I'm learning to play because he would have liked that.  Finally.

Dear Love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io6i210yJzA
Dear Love,
You're worth waiting for.  I refuse to give up what I want for what I want now.  High schol relationships are silly anyway.  Feel free to show up & ask me out on a date in 363 days.  Not to rush you, though.  I'll just be here, in my favorite place.  Waiting.
Sincerely,
Casey
P.S. We're going to be GREAT together.