Birds.

All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you.

Birds can fly so high, and they can shit on your head,

and they can almost fly into your eye, and make you feel so scared, 

but when you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful,

that's how I feel about you.

In too deep.

And Another.

I don't want to ever let my heart be so consumed by the things I don't have.

Because I have everything I could ever need.

And on top of that, I have the greatest people in the world to call my friends and family.

I'm going to make it.

Love for your money.

Sometimes, it literally feels like too much for my emotions to handle that some people have so much, and others have so little.

I got a $300 medical bill in the mail today, and with no money to pay it, I had to call my mom and dump that problem on her. My mom, who can't even afford her medicine, and has hospital bills that probably total over a million dollars. 

So what do I do? Do I call the people I know with money and beg for a loan, knowing they will hold me accountable to paying back every penny? 

Do I abandon this dream of living radically for the sake of my family?

And then there are people around me who are missing meals and going hungry. Meanwhile, the people in their mansions on the hills of Honolulu are looking down and they don't see the poverty of the people.

So while mass amounts of Americans were out shopping last night for things they probably don't need, I was out camping on the north shore of Hawaii,  surrounded by homeless people, just trying to survive.  Sleeping 10 ft from the nicest man I know who woul give you the sweater off his back, and die of hypothermia in the process, if it meant you weren't so cold. Yet, this man has absolutely no money and is missing meals. 

The world's just not fair. And I can't save him, because in a month, that person with no money will be me.   

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

On Sandcastles.

I'm building my sandcastle so high.

It's got a mote, and a bridge, and a flag, and these walls around it to make sure it never falls, but when that tide comes in, nothing will stop my sandcastle from falling down.

And will this be worth it then?

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Broken.

This is history repeating itself.

Hold on while I pick my heart up off the floor while I lose respect for the person I loved most.

On another note.

It's really emotionally exhausting to think that I'm invested in the lives of people that I love and care about, and in a month, they will leave.

And half of them, I will probably never see again.

Is this what I signed up for?

What A Beautiful Mess This Is.

I'm not sure if I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams, or if it's just really beginning.

All I know is that today, I'm thankful for the things I can't put into words.

And I'm so grateful that someone was willing to hold me yesterday, while I dry heaved my snotty nose and tears all over them. 

I'm really good at handling things, until there's some sort of opposition.

And I don't want to feel weak, but I know my heart is sensitive for a reason.

And I don't want to carry these burdens and lies I keep telling myself, but they're all I've ever known. 

And now you're calling me to live in freedom, and security in You, and who You say I am.

And that's scary.

Please just tell me healing is out there.

And that one day, I'll be the strong woman I've always wanted to be.

Because yesterday, I just couldn't be strong.

So I wept.

And today, I'm not feeling too strong either.

But I know I'm in the place I need to be to experience the healing my heart longs for.

I've got freedom on my mind.