Charge it today darling.

Words I could get used to hearing.

Every.

Day.

Of.

My.

Life.

Recovering Still.

You should know that when a stranger looks at you, they probably think you're quite lovely. 

They probably don't think you could stand to lose 10 pounds, or that your face would look better if your nose was straighter, or your hair was longer, or your lips were plumper. 

They probably don't notice those things. They probably notice the way your face lights up when you laugh, or how your nose crinkles when you smile, or how your hair shines in the sun.

We're way more critical of ourselves than anyone else is of is. And lately, my biggest goal has been to speak kindly to myself. 

Because I'm ready to believe the truth, and not the lies I've trained myself to think all the time. 

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; There is no flaw in you."

-Song of Solomon 4:7

Realizations in Dhaka, Bangladesh.

"It's not about me, and it's not about you. 

It's about glorifying a God that deserves to be praised. 

It's about a calling we can't run from. 

It's about being used to do every good work, for His Kingdom, and His righteousness. 

This is not about us. It's not about our pasts, and our mistakes, and our stories, but it's about the one He's writing, where we get so much more than a happy ending. 

We get a lifetime of loving people. 

We get gnarly places and beautiful, broken people.

We get orphans, and lots of them. 

And God said, "Here's the desires of your  heart, and all you've ever dreamed of, but you have to understand, it's not really all for you. This is more about people than you can comprehend right now, but one day, you will."'

Journal entry, April 13th, 2014.

I miss you. 

Ulysses

"So tie me to the mass of this old ship, and point me home. 

Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone, 

I want to hold his hand in my own."

Took the words right out my mouth.

What am I supposed to do now?

Without you. 

As of late.

I think I've figured it out.

We need to be together.

Happier.

I'm not scared anymore.

There's So Much to Be Excited For!

Like dogs!

And border crossings!

And dreams!

And jeeps!

And endless adventures!

And waterfall jumping!

And you, and seeing your heart come alive!

And me!

And us!

And C.S. Lewis books, and quotes you've memorized, and really loving people, not just saying we do.

And talks over tea!

And trampolines! Oh think of the trampolines!

And road trips!

And jam sessions!

And runs!

And surfing!

And laughter!

And being protected, and loved, and really really cared about.

And realizing all those fears of inadequacy, or failure were never truly my burden or reality to carry.

You're better than I ever imagined anyone being.

Thanks for being my best friend.

He Who Shall Not Be Named.

So this is what it feels like.

Oh. Okay.

It turns out it's not all fireworks and midnight make-out sessions, and screaming fights.

It's better than all that crap Hollywood sells you.

It's staying up late. And not running out of things to talk about.

It's your heart, which is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

It's how you make me feel more alive, and more myself than anyone else ever has.

It's shared dreams, and laughter.

It's playlists of new folk bands I've never heard of.

It's surf sessions where I know I'd die without you close by.

It's talking about the future, but living in the moment.

It's watching you grow and thrive, and being stoked for every step of this journey you're on.

It's wanting the best for you, even if it's not me.

I'm doing it right this time, because even if it doesn't work out, I want to be your best friend more than I want any of that other stuff.

What Am I Even Doing Anymore.

It's a daily struggle to not pack up my stuff and leave.

It turns out a year is a long time. 

Too Many Fish in the Sea

What if by some crazy stroke of "luck", I got the guys I think I've wanted over the past 6 years?

Let's just say I started liking guys at 14, although it was probably more like 6. 

How terrible would that be?

Think of all the heartbreak I would have experienced. And what people would perceive me as.

I'm really grateful it didn't happen that way, but it doesn't change the fact that even today, I wish I could turn off the thoughts in my head that fantasize of a future with whatever male makes my heart beat fast at any given time.

Attractions should be this beautiful thing, but I don't really like them.

And I don't trust my heart at all.

I desperately wanted to be in this season of my life where I was single and happy about it.

And I'm still single... And I'm still almost completely happy with that. 

But it seems as if there's always some guy, clouding my vision and blocking my sight from what my eyes should really be on.

"My head told my heart, let love grow, but my heart told my head, this time no.

This time. No."

Addictions.

I grew up terrified of addictions.

Mostly, because I associated addictions with abandonement.

My father, who is now becoming my Dad, was addicted to everything, it seemed like.

And I remember talking to Brian Borland about how afraid I was of addictions, and he said that fear would one day turn into a fear of commitment if I continued to let it consume me.

I used to live in fear that addictions were hereditary, and that if I didn't fight any and all thoughts of impluses, I would become like my father.

My father is now being set free from his addictions.

I'm sorry I didn't believe in you sooner, Dad.

I'm sorry I gave up so quickly.

I'm really happy you're fighting for your life, and for your kids.

I'm happy you call me every other week, even if there's uncomfortable silence, and neither of us knows what to say, because making up for seventeen years of a lack of love and friendship in our relationship is hard.

We can't go back and relive those years, but every time you say you love me, or that I'm beautiful, or that you're proud of me, I believe you.

So please don't stop saying those things. They mean the world to me.

It took 20 years, but I'm not scared to live anymore.

And that's a really great feeling.

Poison & Wine

I don't love you. 

But I always will.

Lost Forever.

I want to go back to Georgia. 

I want to longboard around Vashon.

I want to move to India for a year.

I want to live in Bellingham.

I want to pack up and leave. 

I'm always restless. 

Once Means Always.

"There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him."

-Isaiah 53:2

I may struggle with insecurities all my life, but atleast I am in good company.

The man that came to save the world wasn't loved or adored by people for the way he looked. So I guess I can deal with  my frustrations. 

Who really wants to be beautiful anyway. 

Oh, how little I really knew about you. 

It's sickening really.

This man tried to run over his girlfriend today less than 100 ft from where I was standing, with my mouth agape, and my coffee in hand. 

Some days, it all seems like too much. 

Yet, I know I've only had a glimpse of the horrors that await me in this world.

I promie i'm not turning back.

These women, and their children, they need me. They need to know they are loved.

They need to know someone is fighting for them. 

I'm not seeking comfortability.

I'm going beyond it.

Tell me it won't always be this way.

I build up my walls of security, but one ugly picture, or one rude remark, and those walls come tumbling down. 

Today is one of those days where those walls are just rubble on the ground. 

I think I'd like to know how to make them stand firm. 

To the point where no mere human can wreck them.

That would be nice.

Feelings at their Finest

I just can't seem to figure out if you love me or if you can't stand me. 

Keeping on.

I'm ready for the revelation I've been waiting for. 

The one where I move on, and put my heart back in the framework of my ribcage, where it belongs.

And not on my sleeve and written clearly across my face.

Here Comes the Tears.

I have every right to be afraid.

I'm moving away. I don't know when I'll be back.

And to top it off, I have $13 dollars in my account.

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep, because it just hit me that I'm doing the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. 

Living by Faith.