Testimony.

I became immune to the pain you caused us. 

And now that I have to talk about it in front of 60 people I barely know, I'm remembering why it hurt so much in the first place.

I want to forget all over again. 

This is what you do.

This is how it goes.
You grow up, and if you're a little bit courageous, you leave home, and the familiar.


I had a solid high scool experience. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

But it's time to accept that at some point in life, you're supposed to leave that life behind and pursue bigger things. 
Like right now, I'm legitimately living my dream in Hawaii.
-I'm working with kids and broken people on a daily basis. 
-I live within 30 minutes of one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. 
-Lives have been and are being changed here in Wahiawa, and the biggest thing I've ever done in my life is be a part of that. 
-And I'm surrounded by passionate people who are dedicated to the people of this city.
And I think that's the prime example of being faithful where you are. 


Also, one of my favorite things about Surfing the Nations is that they are a humanitarian organization, and they don't try to make any of their outreaches religious, but they also believe the best example of a selfless leader is Jesus, and they hope to inspire their leaders with the exaple Jesus set, and that's something I can really get behind. 
So, I'm excited about that as well. It's hard to have issues with trying to be more like Jesus.
He was rad.

I do miss high school, and I know the WHS theatre department put on an awesome play.
And it breaks my heart a little, for one that I couldn't be there, and for two, that it's no longer part of my everyday life.

But I guess that's growing up too. 
Acting will always be my first love. But I think I'll try surfing for a while.

Cannonballs.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” 

-Robert A. Heinlein

I found this quote today, and it's mind-blowing how relevant it is to my life. And i'm not even the one it applies to.

I love epiphanies. 

and you.

Nothing on Us.

It's crazy how excited we are to be together even though we're not physically together.

At the start, I worried about everything, but on top of being my best friend, and my boyfriend, you're also my number 1 fan. You cheer me on and keep me going when I want to give up, and you believe in me when I don't believe in myself. 

And I think one of the biggest things is a billion other things.

I'm full of reasons this works, and I don't think it would with anyone else. 

Home.

When I lived in Washington, I was always looking forward to the next adventure out of the 253, and I was stoked to move and call a new place home.

Then, I moved to Georgia and I knew immediately that it would never be home. I guess you can say home is where the heart is, and if that's true, my heart was never completely in Georgia.

There are people I love with all my heart in Georgia. And I found ways to be temporarily happy. But from the start, I never felt like there was anything there for me. 

And now I'm in Wahiawa, Hawaii. And this is home. For the next 3 months. Maybe longer.

All I really know is it's beautiful here, and there is so much love in this one place that it's overwhelming. 

And I'm scared for everything these next few months have to offer, but I'm also incredibly excited. 

I've never been surrounded by so many people who are passionate about the same things I am.

I feel so...at peace. 

And for the first time in my life, I know I made the right decision. 

I'm happy here.

The best you ever had is just a memory..

Sometimes, I don't know what you were thinking of.

All you want is someone to love.

What if he's not always nice?

What if he doesn't take care of you like you thought he would?

Will he do the dishes?

Will he go to all those lame family functions?

Will he go to church on Sunday, maybe not for Jesus, but just so you don't have to go alone?

Will he say mean things to you when you fight?

Will he teach Joey how to play football

Will he try to control us?

Will he hold you when you cry?

Will he support you?

Will he always be truthful?

Will he work hard to build a life together?

Will he even bother to get to know me?

Will I be forgotten when I'm gone?

I feel betrayed, and worried. 

And replaced.

And like maybe there are better things out there for you..

But why should I care, right?

I'll be gone in two days anyway.

And I'm not sure if I want to come back. 

I'd like it to go noted.

I don't cry about everything.

Sometimes, I wait to cry until there's something that pushes me over and then I have a big crying fest-party of 1 style for everything that has upset me.

So although crying might make me look like a weak, pathetic child, it's just how I deal. I mean, it's better than punching walls or your face. 

I'm sticking to the claim that crying is therapeutic. Because I did feel better after about 10 minutes of tears.

And hopefully, I'm stronger for letting that emotion out. . 

Hard To Say.

With every insult, I just get closer to the irrational decision of repacking up my stuff and attempting to take my Lucinda BACK to the other side of the country.

I just thought it was going to be different, you know?

I'm having a hard time living with the feeling of never being good enough for any of you. 

I am in desperate need of a Chambers Bay walk with my grandma, a run on a West Coast Beach, and hours upon hours of conversation with the people I love the most. 

As disheartening as this is, maybe everyone I know thinks the terrible things about me that I've been told over the last 5 months. 

But even if they do, there's something different in the approach.

And I'm just desperate to feel surrounded with love. 

Maybe traveling isn't what I need to worry about.. 

And it's the loving abandoned children part I should focus on. 

Social Work?