Bow upon Box

I listened to The Weepies and packed up my room.

Friday is the day.

There's still so much to do.

I think, in our apartment, I'll plant a garden on the deck and it'll be my new place.

This used to be my place:

Change is good, right?



Seven

In seven days, I'll have a new place of residency.

It'll be empty.

The shower won't be the same.

My room won't be painted blue and green.

The carpet will be from the 1980's.

It'll just be three of us.

I'll live much further from my school.

I'm not afraid though.

I worry like crazy for my little brother, but I'm not scared.

Where there is love, you cannot go wrong.

It won't be normal, but we'll still be a family.

Purposeless

Lately, I've been feeling a little forlorn. I blamed it on home-sickness for a week and said I'd be happy if only I were in Georgia. In all honesty, yes, Georgia would make me happy for a time. Then, I thought I'd be happy if my summer homework was done, but that wasn't it either. So, while staring at gallons upon gallons of empty water, I realized what was causing the indescribable feeling of hopelessness: My lack of service and love towards others. I looked around at my co-workers and was especially jealous of one in particular(not for his good looks that make almost every girl swoon), simply for his future. He'll be headed to Brazil in a few months for two years; loving on people, serving people, and doing God's work. I desperately want to feel like I'm doing God's work. I know I'm where I am for a reason, but this position in this place seems pointless. Am I not taking my chances? Am I not stepping out in my faith? Am I forgetting that people matter because I'm so wrapped up in my own world? Show me the need and the call and I'll move. I will, I will, I will. Give me purpose and I'll fulfill it. My future looks bright, but I can't keep living for it when people need love and everything I have to give NOW.

Break me down 'til I'm ever only Yours truly.

Better.

If I kiss you where it's sore, will you feel better?

I'm doing much better.

I cried like a baby down by Chambers Bay while my grandma rubbed my back and we watched the sun go down.

She told me stories about falling in love all over again and I told her stories about the cute guys I know, specifically one.

I hugged a Lassie.

She said dogs are drawn to my personality.

We vented our frustrations, shortcomings, and doubts.

I cried some more.

We watched an awful movie that was far more perverted then I thought it would be. (Something Borrowed-not recommended.)

I ate 4 brownies.

and popcorn.

and hot cocoa.

Then, I fell asleep on an olive green couch and had mostly pleasant dreams.

I woke up happy.

Every day for the past month, I've woke up scared for what the day will bring with the inevitable approaching.

I drove home blasting Taylor Swift.

It was a good 12 hours before re-entering the real world of work and failed marriages.

I'm doing much better though for my short get away and I'm really thankful to be loved by such an awesome woman of God.

I love you Grammie. Thanks for believing in me and being my best friend always.

Bonus: Cute guy asked how I was doing today and we bonded over our grandma's.

<3



Loss

I was convinced that they had somehow forgotten me or hadn't wanted to spend time with me.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe they're really busy too with different things.
Maybe they're struggling too.
So, I made a conscience effort to try and reform and rebuild friendships.
I'm beginning to think I don't like summer.
But, I do really like fall.

Out.

Get out of this house,

Get out of this neighborhood,

Get out of this city,

Get out of this place.

Summer is ending.

So is my parent's marriage.

I wish I had time to stop and think about it, but time is the last thing I have.

I have homework, and packing, and work.

I have a move and commitments that I can't follow up on.

I have a loss of hope in an institution that's only ever shown me failure and seperation.

I'd like to belive in something and have one summer night where I remember I'm only 17 and the world does not rest on my shoulders.

But I can't, because I have too many things to do and not enough time.

I was happiest there.

I felt loved there.

Can I please be there again?

Fear

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing everyday that scares you."

Today, I was an overachiever and I did two.

It's thrilling.

Craziness

I like becoming friends with all the kids at the wave pool at the end of the day.

I know kids want need love.

I know what I've been called to.

Ode to Divorce

Some people say no just to not say yes.

Some people tear others down just for the fun of it.

Some people live for themsleves.

Some people are better off alone.

Everything is about to change.

"I wonder, is there anything I'm gonna miss?

I wonder how's it gonna be when you don't know me?

How's it gonna be, when you're sure I'm not there?

How's it gonna be, when there's no one there to talk to.

Between you and me, cause I don't care.

How's it gonna be?"

Goodbye house.

Patriot Rumble

It made me sad to realize the things that will consume my life for the next year, you've outgrown.

Football games, assemblies, lunch in McKenzie's,

Emerald City Smoothie, Pita Pit, PLU walks,

Eleanor, Lucinda, Evan, and movies.

I really miss you guys.

Thanks-giving.

I have a great big brother. He gives me piggy back rides. He teaches me life lessons. He comforts me when I'm scared to forgive my father and trust him yet again. He rides all the scary roller coasters with me. He's been through more in his 20 years then some people go through in a lifetime. He has a metal spine and always get stopped at airport security. He's loving. He cries when he's sad. He's incredibly smart and wants to be a nuclear engineer. He held me while I mourned my grandpa's death. He drank his fancy beverage with his pinky up. He taught me how to body surf. He lets me talk about my future husband. He's the number one person to accept my selfishness. I don't know why. It's not any new change in either of ourselves, but letting him go to a college again will be so hard. I really have an awesome brother and I just wanted you to know.  I love him a lot.

Past Three Weeks

I've learned more than I could comprehend.

Mourned more than I ever have,

Cried more than my eyes could handle,

And in some select moments, felt alone and empty.

I'm thankful for a God who reaches into the muck to pull me out, because frankly, I'm terrified and I'd like to curl up into a ball on my bed and cry because everything I've known for 12 years is about to change, and I'm scared.

More scared then I've ever been.

There's no such thing as a clean cut.