Here's a postcard, cause I'm gone.

I must have sat at the intersection of 114th and Ainsworth for over a minute.  I knew I needed to turn left and take the street home, but I really felt it was necessary.  So, i did it.  I drove to the intersection with the blinking light and turned right.  I took a left on Yakima.  I drove down the not so familiar street, then I spotted it.  I knew I was there.  My heart pounded as I walked down the driveway to your door.  I knocked.  No answer.  I didn't feel the need to try again.  I got in my car, locked the doors, changed the song to Marching Bands of Manhattan and drove home.  I think the purpose for my adventure was to simply have the feeling of driving away.  And never ever going back. 

heck yes!

I get to babysit two awesome kids tomorrow night that I haven't seen in way too long. 

I'm STOKED! 

If it gets any worse than this, i don't want to know.

One call last night informed my family of a failed minor surgery on my great grandma, which means the next option is broken ribs and an open heart.

The next call I got at 12: 32 today told me, alone eating teriyaki on my mom's new couches, that my grandma-my lovely, wonderful, Irish bound, best friend grandma-had a heart attack.  So instead of spilling teriyaki sauce on my mom's new couches, I spilled tears. 

 Large quantities of tears. 

1 more thing.

I have a tendency to push the people I love the most away when I'm stressed.  It really makes me worry about my future, but most of all, it makes me worry that you'll leave and remember the mean person I was.  I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry.  Thanks for loving me anyway.

2 Mistakes

1. Freshmen Year.
2. Walking away.

3 places I want to go.

preferably with some attractive, tall, godly, musically-talented husband. 
1. Greece
2. New York
3. Spain

4 things I'd grab if my house was burning down right now.

1. My cats.  Don't judge me. 
2. My guitar.  Even though I can't play and it just sits there collecting dust, my grandpa gave it to me.  It means a lot. 
3. Family photo albums.  That means I'd have to run upstairs.  Such a risk in a fire. 
4. My jewelry.  Although I've never been a jewelry-wearing person, so much of it comes from important people.  
 

5 of my favorite bands/musicians.

1. Death Cab for Cutie
2. Barcelona
3. A Fine Frenzy
4. Ingrid Michaelson
5. Regina Spektor

6 of my dreams

1. To become a Pediatrician and travel to Africa.
2. To meet the man of my dreams, who loves Jesus and wants to use that love to revolutionize the world.
3. To get a full ride scholarship to a)Seattle Pacific University, b)University of Washington, c)Northwest University, or d)some prestigious, preferably Christian university.
4. To have a dog.
5. To live in a little house by the sea and watch the sunset nightly with the love of my life over a cup of tea.
6. To swim with dolphins.

7 things I wish I could change at this moment.

1. The date.  From Jaunary 19 to June 19.  I have to deal with finals either way.
2. My current GPA.
3. My camera.
4. My relationship status, since we're all being honest here.
5. The song playing on iTunes.
6. The past.
7. My current residence.  Keep the people.  Move the house.

Eight things I dislike

1. People my age calling me hun
2. Pictures with the circle, square, and triangle
3. Waking up in Washington.  Every single day
4. Long nails
5. Mayo
6. Dirty shirt sleeves
7. Not knowing why someone's upset with me
8. People yelling

9 Things I cried over today

1. I miss my grandpa.  So incredibly much.
2. I have no idea who you are anymore.
3. A crap load of homework and an F in APUSH
4. Finals in two weeks
5. Seahawks lost(I was already crying, no need to stop now)
6. I don't have that one girl best friend that I could have called while I cried my eyes out.
7. I called you out on it.  Now you're upset and I have to sit at youth group awkwardly alone tonight
8. He likes you.  He's always liked you, yet you're jealous of me?
9. It's supposed to rain the next two weeks.

10 things I want to say to ten people.

For the record, I stole this from Mikael Niles, because I loved it so much. 

SC-I miss you everyday, but I'd rather be alone that hurting.
JV-You are my very best friend, like ever.  i heart boobies bracelets are still offensive.
JK-You are my everything.  You teach me to be a better person daily. 
MN-Words could never express the respect I have for you and your courage.  You are my hero.
SG-You will get through this.  You will. 
JD-I'm worth more than drugs.  I won't return your calls because you don't care.  I know it.
ST-I can hear the crap you talk about everyone.  It doesn't make you cool.
BB-I fall for you every single time I see you.
KL-You have a lot to learn & you didn't break my heart.
JK-It's been rough.  I forgive you.

"He's like the animal in the middle of the road...

"and you have this perfect record of never hitting an animal.  That's how complicated it is."
M: I'm not sure I understood that.
C: Maybe it's because you've never hit an animal before.
M: "Okay, it's like I have a perfect driving record and he's the one ticket.  The one thing holding me back."
When I was 14, I made a goal to not date til I was 16.  I had just been in my second middle school relationship and he was a jerk.  For the record, he still is.  One of the few people I despise.  I made the goal and told my mom about it.  My freshmen year, this one guy thought I was the cat's meow.  He meant a lot to me and it's still really difficult to talk about him, but for blog's purpose's, I will.  Anyhow, meet this guy, he holds my hand, he asks me out, I say yes, thus going back on my goal.  I won't even go into the stupidity of our week long relationship or the 2 month long relationship following it.  It took me a year and a half to let said week long relationship and boy that came with it go.  I cried on my best friends shoulders.  A year later, she was dating him, when I was still crying over him.  I was just a 15 year old.  I had no idea what love was or why I wanted this relationship or another chance to show him I could be that girl.  I realize now that he is extremely obsessive with girls he dates.  I realized that after I texted him at least 23 messages after said best friend broke his heart.  I went back on my goal twice in my freshmen year.  I'm really happy I changed.  When I did finally reach 16, first (thought) love was not waiting for me like he said he would when I was 14.  He was pursuing my best friend.  Leading to the conversation I had tonight with two best friends who would never date someone I had feelings for for OVER A YEAR, I realized I've gotten a lot stronger.  I've made better friends.  I've been saved.  I've grown taller.  I've learned that the man who will put a vintage ring on my finger to replace the heart-shaped one on their currently would have waited til 16, and now he'll wait til 18.  He'd wait til I was ready, because he's 10000000% worth it.  To explain the conversation more:  When I turned 16 and realized no one was waiting, I decided I'd wait til 18.  No biggie.  Then, I befriended Madeleine Laney.  If you want to hear her story, ask me, but she changed my life.  She taught me the values of purity.  She is amazing.  We decided to undertake a guy fast together; hers ending in July and mine ending on my 18th birthday.  Since beginning that guy fast, I've obviously had crushes, but I've been doing a lot better.  I'm now at a point where guys are guys.  With the exception of one.  He's the animal in the middle of the road.  He's the driving ticket.  He's the one that is godly enough to be rooting me to be strong in my guy fast.  He's pretty stellar, but now is not the time or place.  Good thing I have friends encouraging me to stay strong.  Plus, I've actually been reading my bible, which has helped tremendously.  Maybe, by my 18th Birthday, I'll be so incredibly lost in the love of Jesus and being his bride, that guys won't even matter.  Then, that prince can show up and we can revolve our life around the love of Jesus and showing it to everyone.  We'll live happily ever after.  The end.



For clarification, said animal/ticket is not the one I'm claiming as my prince.  He's just a nice guy. 

A few facts you might not know

1. I check Wunder Report religiously.
2. I always laugh when it says 100% chance of precipitation.
3. The funniest verse in the bible is Genesis 18: 15.  It seriously makes me laugh just to think about it.

The art of Judging

Dear Pizza Hut worker,
Last week when I came in, I judged you for your pierced eyebrow, messy hair, and baggy jeans. 
Yesterday, I realized I am a complete and total jerk.
Thank you for the advice and laughing with me, when all the other workers thought I was a weirdo.
Thank you for teaching me with your friendly smile and bright brown eyes.
Thank you for becoming my friend in a matter/mixture of words and seconds.
I know I didn't get the job, and after the lesson I learned, I don't think I deserve it.
But thanks for being nice anyway.
Sincerely,
A learner who wants to be like Christ

P.S.That night I read Matthew 6 about not judging people.  Coincidence?  Maybe not. 

Growing Up.

It felt like a bad break up.

I deleted your pictures from my computer, but I kept a few.

A lack of strength?  No, just a lack of courage.

They're different.

My life.

Activities I partook in after school:
-Go to Real Beauty Revolution, which I love
-Watch one hour of Grey's Anatomy for the first time in weeks
-Go on facebook for far too long
-Dance around to hit list on channel 901 and fold clothes
-Eat some cold pasta
-Research cheap wedding dresses(don't judge me)
-Listen to Bright Eyes and research Connor Oberst
-Realize Connor Obesrt is almost 31 and give a little sigh
-Drink some coffee
-Get frustrated with my brother
-Think about why writing on a bathroom stall offended me that advocated Christianity
-Read the alchemist introduction and decide I am called to something so much greater.  I wish I could just copy and paste the whole introduction.  IT WAS AMAZING!
-Blog this.

Derell & Jasmine & Amanda & Jacob

I love Derell.  He makes me laugh. 

"I wish I could blush, but you'd never see."

Oh, and Jasmine is rad.

"The  German girl with nice black hair."

I could never forget Amanda

"Want me to shoot her?"

After a long discussion about Gregoire's new proposal on education. 

Most of all, I love Jacob.

"It's cause I'm half-Mexican and she's all girl."

another year gone.

A few months ago, as I was rummaging through my messy room, I found a 'New Year's Goals' sheet from 2007.  Normally, I love to find things that depict the person I used to be, but this one just made me sad.  I ripped it up and threw it in the big garbage upstairs in my kitchen so I didn't have to think about all the silly things I never accomplished that once meant the world, or atleast a year to me.  I usually love New Year's Resolutions even if I never stick to them, but the one from 2007, that now sits in a big land fill somewhere, made me feel worthless.  In a way, it also made me feel great.  It made me happy that at one point, I changed.  The old went away and the new came.  Slowly, I've torn off the armor of lust and anger and hatred to replace it with the armor of love and peace and forgiveness.  Believe me, I'm no where near down, but it I do enjoy seeing how far I've come.  All the things I've let go.  All the godly, incredible friends I've made that I can trust with all my heart.  All the treasures I've stored up in heaven.  All the people I've affected.  All knowing I'm not doing it on my own.  The biggest change from 2007 and now isn't the fact that I don't have a long list of negativity on my New Years resolution list.  It's the fact that I know I'm loved every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed.  I know I'm loved by Someone who loved me when all I wanted was to have a boyfriend and be stick-thin.  That's the biggest difference.  That's the reason the negativity in my life has been trimmed to tiny proportions.  Because I'm loved like no other and nothing anyone says or does can take that love away.