Lack of faith.

Maybe I lost the courage to keep it or

Got sick of covering it up in front of the people who I knew thought it would be stupid or preachy.

Or maybe I was too much of a coward.

Maybe You weren't smiling.

Maybe it made You sad.

This one friend said other people viewing me as "the Christian girl" was a testament to my faith, but not when I'm so quick to deny such a faith as sculpting the way I live.

I lied. 

I am who I am, because I'm not my own.

My world tumbles down when I don't have someone to rely on;

When I stop praying at night;

When I forget how great, loving and wonderful HE was and is;

Then I realize I can't run from such a love.

So with a sharpie in one hand, and a bare wrist in the other, I write the words Isaiah 6:8. 

Live it.

HE>she that lives in me.

Departure.

The only way to really know is to really let it go.

Deep Elusive Things

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life—
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

Can I stay in this moment forever?

No.

I walked around aimlessly..

...at a college I've never considered attending until Wednesday. 
I don't like to think about last summer.
Here are the things I remember the most vividly:
-That one night you texted me and we talked about all those narcissistic things and I openly stated that my life was awful.  I can be a complainer, but you have a way of knowing when I really need to.  Best friends are like that. 
-Becoming a child again
-Ice cream on the beach
-Being strung along for three months by a guy too cowardly to make his feelings known.  Afraid of being judged by the world, but comfortable with being himself enough to be ridiculed.  So I think he'll forgive me for saying I want absolutely nothing to do with him.  Not this summer.  Not ever. 

It's a little ironic.

I went to a dreaded doctor appointment today without my beautiful, smart, registered nurse mother.  At first, I felt cool and grown up, but that quickly changed.  For one, there were lots of papers to fill out that required her signature since I'm only 17.  Then, the nurse said the "b" word and I knew I'd have to squeeze the chair instead of my mother's bony hand which has been present at every shot since I was born.  I lived through it, though and I thought it was clear sailing.  Wrong.  My mom had left a blank check for me to use assuming I'd have a co-pay of $15.  That was wrong too.  Receptionist lady said my total for the appointment was $349 because I had blood drawn.  WHAT???  $349 is a lot of money for a poke and some of my blood in a tube with my name on it, so I fought it.  Then, it got hard and I wanted to give in, but momma didn't raise a fool, so I didn't.  She wasn't there to fight the system alongside me, but the total seemed outrageous so I stayed strong.  She taught me not to give up when things get hard, and I didn't.  After 10 minutes of arguing and explanations, I signed a check for $66. 98.  Did I win?  No, I just stood my ground and pulled the helpless child card.  Being Seventeen is not too bad after all.  The moral of the story?  Never go to doctor's appointments on your own.  Oh, and my mommy is the bestest.  No matter how old I get, I'll remember that. 

You wouldn't understand.

I posted a Robert Kennedy quote as my facebook status and the lead singer from The Head and the Heart stole it and posted it as his.  If you don't know me, I'm obsessed with The Head and the Heart. 

And I wish I could call someone and have them jump up and down screaming with me, but people just don't get my music taste generally.  Mehh.

I should change the name of my blog to Life as an Indie Kid. Ha!

It's just a song.

Stop worrying.

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva