I was LYING.

I don't miss you.

Yes, I thought I loved you.

Yes, I still sing Dear John at the top of my lungs with your name instead and curse your existence.

Yes, you have a way with words and I tend to swoon.

No, we'll never be.

No, you'll never care.

No, No, NO.

I have a prince. Did you know that?

I don't know who he is yet, but he's FANTASTIC!

You're just a bum, and a liar, and a jerk, and a fake, and a.... JERK.

How should I feel?

His Love>my mistakes

I believe it, i do.

I'm just not always sure I forgive myself even though He's forgiven me.

If we were a relationship status.

My bestest best friend is a dude, and I just cannot talk to him about these things.

My girl best friend is in Mexico on a mission trip.

My mom is doing the dishes.

WHO THE HECK IS GOING TO JUMP & SQUEAL WITH ME?

$

We made a bet that I could peel a banana with my feet.

Maybe there are some things I will miss.

I went running

While I was running,

I thought of you.

You and your running shoes,

and the cat that moos,

and the stairs that squeek,

and the heart that beats,

and the waves that crash,

and the winds that blow,

and flowers that fly,

and the tears I'll cry,

and the cars we'll drive,

and the songs we'll sing,

and the vintage ring,

and the years we'll spend;

you holding my hand,

happy as can be,

like two birds lost at sea.

Some things are worth waiting for.

It's insignificant.

Since he's in jail and they probably don't have wi-fi there,

But I unfriended him on facebook.

:)

It's insignificant.

Since he's in jail and they probably don't have wi-fi there,

But I unfriended him on facebook.

:)

Dear.....

Dear Courtney,

Thank you for blogging so much.

Dear Jacob and Mikael,

You should really blog more.

The Battle of the Soul.

I stepped outside myself.

I became a person I had longed to be with feelings I had longed to have;

Popular: Accepted

For a matter of seconds, I had dropped what I had worked for to fit in with a guy who wasted his breath on judging other people.

He had done it to me too.

But here he was, so willing to let me in; to bond over a feeling of mutual bewilderment.

I fell into the trap.

I smiled and nodded at a joke that wasn't funny, about a boy who had probably heard the same cruel line before.

I slinked back to my body and the feeling of regret and remorse set in.

I tried to fit back into the cracks and curves that had once been mine, but my body said no.

I kicked, I screamed, I tried to fit in any way I could, but my body just wouldn't allow it.

"You're a coward.  Do you know that?"

"It's not like I wasn't thinking it."

"Thinking it and saying it are two different things.  I can't belive you turned into one of them."

I continued to argue with my conscience, but she just couldn't see it from my point of view.

I couldn't look the boy in the eyes out of fear that he had heard or knew that I had fallen victim to the taunting and bullying he had probably been accustomed to for quite some time.

Instead, I glanced at his wrists and saw the scars.

Us.

 In the past two days, I've hung out with four of my closest friends.

Madeleine Laney, Jacob Vargas, Micah Vargas, and Mikael Niles. 

We've gone on random adventures, gushed about boys for hours, laughed til we snorted, and consumed lots of food.  Happiness is such an interesting thing.  It's not about the things, but about the people.  If you would have told me that yesterday, I would have slapped you.  Now, I see an outlet and a balance I can maintain.  I give up on a 4.0 GPA, but I don't give up on a full ride.  I'm letting go of the fact that I can't save everyone from their problems, and often times, I can't even give decent advice.  I'm trowing my hands up and playing my song, while the butterflies fly away.  I think you know what comes next.  Basically, thanks for taking me out of all the muck I've placed myself in. 

Stress.

I hate when I get stressed.

I can't look people in the eyes.

My words don't fit together.

I itch my scalp until it bleeds.

My palms get sweaty.

My voice gets high-pitched and I'm a few seconds from a breakdown.

Some days, I don't think I'll make it through medical school. 


or high school, for that matter.

Lack of faith.

Maybe I lost the courage to keep it or

Got sick of covering it up in front of the people who I knew thought it would be stupid or preachy.

Or maybe I was too much of a coward.

Maybe You weren't smiling.

Maybe it made You sad.

This one friend said other people viewing me as "the Christian girl" was a testament to my faith, but not when I'm so quick to deny such a faith as sculpting the way I live.

I lied. 

I am who I am, because I'm not my own.

My world tumbles down when I don't have someone to rely on;

When I stop praying at night;

When I forget how great, loving and wonderful HE was and is;

Then I realize I can't run from such a love.

So with a sharpie in one hand, and a bare wrist in the other, I write the words Isaiah 6:8. 

Live it.

HE>she that lives in me.

Departure.

The only way to really know is to really let it go.

Deep Elusive Things

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life—
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

Can I stay in this moment forever?

No.