Addictions.

I grew up terrified of addictions.

Mostly, because I associated addictions with abandonement.

My father, who is now becoming my Dad, was addicted to everything, it seemed like.

And I remember talking to Brian Borland about how afraid I was of addictions, and he said that fear would one day turn into a fear of commitment if I continued to let it consume me.

I used to live in fear that addictions were hereditary, and that if I didn't fight any and all thoughts of impluses, I would become like my father.

My father is now being set free from his addictions.

I'm sorry I didn't believe in you sooner, Dad.

I'm sorry I gave up so quickly.

I'm really happy you're fighting for your life, and for your kids.

I'm happy you call me every other week, even if there's uncomfortable silence, and neither of us knows what to say, because making up for seventeen years of a lack of love and friendship in our relationship is hard.

We can't go back and relive those years, but every time you say you love me, or that I'm beautiful, or that you're proud of me, I believe you.

So please don't stop saying those things. They mean the world to me.

It took 20 years, but I'm not scared to live anymore.

And that's a really great feeling.

Poison & Wine

I don't love you. 

But I always will.

Lost Forever.

I want to go back to Georgia. 

I want to longboard around Vashon.

I want to move to India for a year.

I want to live in Bellingham.

I want to pack up and leave. 

I'm always restless. 

Once Means Always.

"There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him."

-Isaiah 53:2

I may struggle with insecurities all my life, but atleast I am in good company.

The man that came to save the world wasn't loved or adored by people for the way he looked. So I guess I can deal with  my frustrations. 

Who really wants to be beautiful anyway. 

Oh, how little I really knew about you. 

It's sickening really.

This man tried to run over his girlfriend today less than 100 ft from where I was standing, with my mouth agape, and my coffee in hand. 

Some days, it all seems like too much. 

Yet, I know I've only had a glimpse of the horrors that await me in this world.

I promie i'm not turning back.

These women, and their children, they need me. They need to know they are loved.

They need to know someone is fighting for them. 

I'm not seeking comfortability.

I'm going beyond it.

Tell me it won't always be this way.

I build up my walls of security, but one ugly picture, or one rude remark, and those walls come tumbling down. 

Today is one of those days where those walls are just rubble on the ground. 

I think I'd like to know how to make them stand firm. 

To the point where no mere human can wreck them.

That would be nice.

Feelings at their Finest

I just can't seem to figure out if you love me or if you can't stand me. 

Keeping on.

I'm ready for the revelation I've been waiting for. 

The one where I move on, and put my heart back in the framework of my ribcage, where it belongs.

And not on my sleeve and written clearly across my face.

Here Comes the Tears.

I have every right to be afraid.

I'm moving away. I don't know when I'll be back.

And to top it off, I have $13 dollars in my account.

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep, because it just hit me that I'm doing the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. 

Living by Faith.