Funds.

Feeling happy, but oh so hopeless.

Humble Beginnings.

I don't ever remember it being this hard, but I'm sure there were times that it was.

And I don't want to feel that I'm running from my problems, so I'm doing the scariest thing possible.

Trusting that good things are around the corner for those I love most.

Trusting that soon, my mom will be able to afford her medicine, without having to worry about whether that check for groceries will clear.

Trusting that soon, maybe there will be a house to replace this tiny motel room.

Trusting that soon, these struggles will be behind us.

And that everything will work out the way it is meant to.

Even if it requires sacrifice. 

If you wouldn't mind shooting up a prayer for my family, I would be incredibly grateful.

What they don't tell you is saying yes is hard, and scary.
And I can't seem to decide if I want to be there right this second, or if I ever want to be there at all.

Because, the truth is, my bank account will never have enough, not every one I love is going to support what I'm choosing to do, and nothing is "mine" anymore.

Welcome to the joys of taking a risk. Now, I know I'm alive.

And I know I'm making the right decision, because it's the one that scares me the most.

My God Guide.

I think every single struggle I've had with Christianity has gone back to what the people who are claiming to be Christians are doing.

So, it's been a few years coming, but I've figured out the niche I fit in to. 

I think I go to church to be encouraged. I don't want rules shoved down my throat, and I don't want another lesson about how I need to be praying for the lost souls of this earth.

I want to learn about Jesus.

Show me how He loved. Let His love shine through me.

Have you read about Jesus?

Or did you close the book after Genesis?

Because, if you skip the first few hundred pages, a man named Jesus comes along. And he changes the game.

He does the opposite of what the so-called religious do. He dies for many, and saves the world.

And if I make that sound cavalier, that's not my intention.

Because the truth is, it is a big deal.

And if God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all for one, and one for all, then God is good.

Because Jesus was, and is.

So what I wanted to say, is I've fit myself in this little niche, where I really just try to love people. 
And when I pray for them, I try to genuinely pray for them. 

And maybe, in doing this, and being authentic, and leaving God to judge, because that is the LAST thing I am meant to do on this earth, I can undo the wrong that so many "Christians" have done.

Maybe, one day, I can talk to my homosexual uncle about religion, because he no longer feels burned by it..

Maybe, one day, we can stop giving LGBT people and couples dirty looks when they come to church seeking a community where they too, can be uplifted.

Maybe, we can stop slut shaming.

Maybe, we can give a little more to the poor, and a little less to the multi-millionare pastors.

Maybe, we can all go to gay pride, and apologize for every cruel word or action that has ever been done to the gay and lesbian communities.

Maybe, we can learn to love like Jesus did. 

Maybe, it's just a dream of mine.

Maybe, I can't change the world.

But, atleast I can make a difference.

So today, when you try to convince yourself of all the reasons you left that Christian title behind, or stopped opening your bible, or wearing your cross necklace, maybe you should evaluate what changed. Because if I'm reading the bible correctly, God is constant. God doesn't change. His sacrifice doesn't change. His love doesn't change. His forgiveness never falters.

So why did it all stop?

Because there's nothing wrong with being more like Jesus. That man loved. 

Be My Strength.

When I was in Hawaii, I felt invincible.
But the truth is, I was just surrounded by people who were trying to support, encourage, and love me.
I was living in community with people who were trying to be better.

So I came home amped.
I figured whatever hurtful things my family, or anyone said, I would just be able to immediately call them out on.

But it turns out, this is still a struggle area.

And maybe it will always be.

Because you could use your words to run me over with a car, and then put it in reverse and back over me, and I would probably take it. Not necessarily with a grin, but I definitely wouldn't be able to tell you how much you've hurt me.

So that quote by Eleanor, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

As much as I'd like to say I live by that, I guess I consent to a lot more cruel words than what I actually deserve.

And I try to remind myself that I am not as fragile as I once was, and that this is all a growing process.

I just wish I could say what I was feeling in the moment instead of fuming over it later while I vent to my mom.

I was born to be compassionate, not a punching bag.

There Was Another Time in My Life.

A few years back, about this time, I thought my life was falling apart.

But it didn't. And I got stronger. And we all moved on.

What I thought was the end was just the beginning.

This still makes my heart happy.