I had a plan.

I liked it.

But hearing everyone talk about college and all the adventures and shenanigans they are going to get into makes me sad.

I want that.

Maybe I'm just being impatient.

Maybe I'm just being stupid.

Maybe I'm just being a follower.

Normally, I have no issue putting things off until the last minute.

However, this is a big deal and it's consuming all the space in my brain.

I'm losing it, people.

Situations

Situation #1

Its the one that's just begun,
But evidently its too late.
Situation #2
Its the only chance for you.
It's controlled by denizens of hate.
Situation #3

It's the one that no one sees.
All too often dismissed as fate.
Situation #4
The one that left you wanting more,
Tantalized you with its bait.

Insecurities.

“We each appear to hold within ourselves a range of divergent views as to our native qualities.. And amid such uncertainty, we typically turn to the wider world to settle the question of our significance.. we seem beholden to affections of others to endure ourselves.” -Alain de Botton

 

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” -Stephen Fry

 

We all have obstacles to overcome.

All Organic.

Tuesday through Thursday were mind-blowing.

I basically moved into the a yurt built by the couple I was staying with, slept in the comfiest bed ever, ate all organic, and got to know a few new loving souls.

It was tempting to cry as Brenna and I said our good byes to the wonderful Anacortes, and the whole way back, we talked about how bummed we were to be heading home to Parkland.

The whole happening got me stoked for what comes next.

I have less than 4 months left of school, then I'm free.

Last night, over chicken tacos, I poured out my heart to my mom about Surfing the Nations.

I'm just not sure if I want to do the whole traditional 4 year university that everyone is expecting from me.

I might just throw everyone for a loop.

I could probably blog for hours about my findings and adventures in Anacortes, but as usual, I procrastinated on my homework for 8 days, so I have that to do instead.

Oh, and if you're curious what a yurt looks like, look it up.

None of the pictures do justice to what Bob and Patti's looked like(that they built themselves!) but it's an incredible concept.

Getaway.

I'm packing my bags for Spokane. My family's going to see Ms. Betty, who's daughter just had a kid 5 weeks earlier then expected, which means nothing is done or prepared. I'm really excited. I love kids, and Ms. Betty had 7 grandkids all between the ages of 2 days old and 7 years old. Her kids popped out babies like rabbits.

And then double packing for Anacortes, where I'll spend three days with two of my best friends working as the "assistant to the director" on a short film. I'm really happy about this too.

You're shelter from the rain.

Go now.

Don't look back.

My life's come off its tracks.

And you should be free of me.

Shame.

I can't explain it, but I feel more comfortable being someone other then myself. Does that make any sense at all? I mean, I've tried to mold myself into something I like, but I can't. I just can't. I lie awake at night wishing to be more like the characters I play, because they fall in love, they cry, they fight, they feel everything so strongly, and I know that's acting, but I want that. Is that so wrong?

I know everyone has flaws, I just feel like I was endowed with more then the average person. But nothing's average. If you look at any face long enough, it becomes ugly. Or is it beautiful? I forget.

One Thing More.

I left the house with a lot of thoughts running through my head, and I felt like, in that moment, in my head, I wanted a decision. I wanted to know how it's gonna be. That's the thing, though. I can barely plan out today, much less tomorrow.

Which is why I'm glad I don't have to.

The only way to really know is to really let it go.

I wonder if she's what you dreamed.

With the impending day of love tomorrow, I feel it's only fitting that I write about love.
My views and opinions on it have changed drastically in the last year because of the experiences I've been though.
Last Valentine's Day, the only thing I remember is seeing a quote "It's only fitting that we take this February morning to dote on someone."
It's difficult to write this blog withoput spilling my guts and baring my heart, but there are certain things that even I feel require a certain amount of discretion. So, I'll tell you everything.
Here's what I've learned about love:
1) it sucks
2) it hurts when you realize it's not there anymore.
You've probably heard the story, so I won't tell it again. I guess it'd be nice to break it down by month and what I've learned.
Febraury: I don't like him. I do like him. That month was an eye-opener. I could write a lot about it, but I know that I lost a friendship over it, so I'd rather not.
March: I spent 8 days in March and I lost my mind a little bit. My aunt and uncle have been married for like 8 years, but they are still super in love, and sometimes, I find it really sweet, but after the first few days of it, I was sick of it. I wrote a letter to that ever allusive man of mine and said I didn't want to be like that. I wonder where that letter is.
April: April had me thinking about my Dad a lot. When I visited Georgia this past summer, he didn't even get to say goodbye to me. He cried as he left the voicemail on my phone, because I was too chicken-hearted to answer it. I really miss him. When I do something devious, my grandparents say I look like him. I love him, even though I wish I didn't. I think he would have been a great dad if drugs would not have gotten in the way.
May: In May, I became a mom to a hemophilic, black son. Or, I took on the role. And that role kind of consumed my life and it gave me comfort. I miss The Yellow Boat. I learned a lot about loving everyone I meet during that play.
June: This is where it started to fall apart.
July: Love was redefined in this month. Leadership Camp was life-altering and then I got to go back home for the first time in 3 years. My grandpa, my hero, held me while I cried into his shoulder, because I wasn't ready to leave. Soon enough, I'll be back
August: This it where I fell apart. I thought it was best for a while. Now, I'm not so sure.
September: I didn't care about anything anymore. "SCREW THE WORLD" was my mantra. I'm happy I got out of that.
October: I began to like someone new.
November: One of my closest guy friends moved to Belgium. Letting him go was not easy.
December: I still liked that one guy. The one I shouldn't. Plus, we spent loads of time together, which didn't help. I think I can truthfully say I don't like him anymore. 1) because he doesn't like me, and 2) because I enjoy being his friend, and 3) he'd probably suck to be in a relationship with. Not like I ever would.
Also, I got to escape to the ocean for a few days with two of my best friends. I am convinced laughing is the best medicine.
January: This month, things got better. Being past the holidays helped. I also got to spend some good hang time with my best friend, which I hadn't been able to do in a while. I fell in love with Antigone. I found out about my step-dad's new girlfriend, and I grew stronger.
Fenruary: A few nights ago, my two brothers, my uncle, and my mom came to see Antigone. Then, we all went back to the apartment and hung out. My uncle is hilarious and got my mom in a good mood and laughing, which she hasn't done in a while.I guess my family has been redefined, but I guess, at the end of the day, it was for the best. I guess I'm thankful she left before he started loving someone new. I'm grateful we have each other, and I'm stoked to be moving to Georgia this summer.
I think this blog turned into more of a gush session than my redefining definition of love. It's getting kind of long though, so I'll call it a night.

All our friends will move away.

A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away

Nothin' is as it has beenAnd I miss your face like hellAnd I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell


Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate



Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I meet you

-Rivers and Roads

by The Head & The Heart

Senior year is scary.

Honestly.

Sometimes, I wish I could pack up my things, cram them into the tiny trunk of my Saturn, and drive off.

Like I would do for a sleepover, or for a weekend getaway.

Except, I wouldn't come back.

Where I'd end up would be where I was meant to be.

So, I'd stay there. I'd get a job at a coffee shop that plays sweet indie music, and I'd get to know all the locals.

I'd rent a crappy, cheap apartment, and smuggle an over sized dog in.

And well, that's where it stops.

I would only go to college if I wanted to.

I'd send my mom and brothers cupcakes and cards.

Prince Charming wouldn't show up on a white horse.

And he wouldn't buy me teddy bears and chocolate and roses.

Or rub my feet after a long exhausting day serving coffee.

But, he would let me cry and he would let me be my own person and form my own opinions, because he would know I absolutely hate it when people try to push their ideals and beliefs on me.

And when they try to do that, and tell me I'm wrong for feeling something, we'd look at each other and laugh(he'd laugh-I'd grimace) and that would make me feel better.

I've since learned that believing fairy tale is a marriage is dillusional, and yeah, I still believe that flubbery about one man holding the key to my heart, but I've got to make a lot of mistakes before he comes along.

He's not perfect. I'm not perfect.

So, I'm raising my coke can to growing up, and realizing that life will never be perfect. Or easy. Not now, not when I'm done with college, not when I'm married, not even when I'm old, if I am ever old. Never.

I think I'm cool with that.

The Way We Were.

"Sometimes, the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

-Dr. Seuss

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to do it.

Worth Fighting For.

“I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being, first and foremost, and as such I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.”

-Malcolm X

I posted something rather bold on my facebook today, fully aware that I would be judged by some, praised my others, and probably lose a few facebook friends in the process.

Like clockwork, it all happened.

It all started with a debate during lunch over gay marriage and how some think it's sin, and they don't want to see two people of the same sex kissing. I could go into a rebuttal that I pride myself on for both of these things, so I will.

First, the one I disagree with more; in most public places, you don't see people sticking their tongues down each other's throats. That's typically a high school thing and hopefully, the teenagers that did it with multiple people or frequently in the short time span of four years will one day feel embarrassed by it. For one, I don't like seeing anybody making out. Girl-Boy, Boy-Boy, Girl-Girl, Girl-Boy-Girl. You get the picture. I've actually never seen the last one in a public place and I hope it stays that way. Do people honestly think that if we do this "CRAZY" thing and allow gays to marry, there will instantly be full on make-out sessions between them in the streets? So, what if they get married and they give that special kiss; the first one as a married couple, the one everyone deserves the right to give to the person of their choosing? Will you vomit? Will you scream because "traditional family values" have been thrown out the window? WHAT IN THE WORLD WILL YOU DO WHEN, GOD FORBID, TWO HOMOSEXUALS KISS IN PUBLIC? Get over yourself, this is America people. I don't think legalizing gay marriage will lead to a spike in gays kissing in public, I just think people will take more offense to it. So, ultimately, the problem goes back to you.

Next, the religion issue. This one is a little bit more difficult to tackle, and I realize I'm getting a bit long-winded. So, I'll try to sum it up quickly.

I found this on a website:

"the Bible...condemns sexual practices that we accept."

• DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21
  If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.
• DEUTERONOMY 22:22
  If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.
• MARK 10:1-12
  Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.
• LEVITICUS 18:19
  The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.

The author of the website was making a point that the bible talks about all these things, yet they are accepted in our modern society. I realize God didn't make the puzzle pieces to fit, and yes, he made "Adam & Eve," not "Adam & Steve." But, my argument is, we've molded so much of the bible to fit our society or have thrown out many of the old testament laws, so that we could live a life that was comfortable while still being honorable to God.

That's my issue here; we're all living in this disgusting thing called sin, but many religious fanatics feel the need to call out homosexuals as being the worst. I think that's messed up.

Back to my main point, I think my growth can be shown through the fact that I was willing to stand up for what I believe in and if I inspired one person, or made one person feel more comfortable, or safe, or loved, or accepted, I think Jesus would be proud.

Because that's what He was all about.



I wish I cared less..

About what others think of me.