Be My Strength.

When I was in Hawaii, I felt invincible.
But the truth is, I was just surrounded by people who were trying to support, encourage, and love me.
I was living in community with people who were trying to be better.

So I came home amped.
I figured whatever hurtful things my family, or anyone said, I would just be able to immediately call them out on.

But it turns out, this is still a struggle area.

And maybe it will always be.

Because you could use your words to run me over with a car, and then put it in reverse and back over me, and I would probably take it. Not necessarily with a grin, but I definitely wouldn't be able to tell you how much you've hurt me.

So that quote by Eleanor, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

As much as I'd like to say I live by that, I guess I consent to a lot more cruel words than what I actually deserve.

And I try to remind myself that I am not as fragile as I once was, and that this is all a growing process.

I just wish I could say what I was feeling in the moment instead of fuming over it later while I vent to my mom.

I was born to be compassionate, not a punching bag.

There Was Another Time in My Life.

A few years back, about this time, I thought my life was falling apart.

But it didn't. And I got stronger. And we all moved on.

What I thought was the end was just the beginning.

This still makes my heart happy.

I'm having trouble coping.

I just.... don't have any words.

I'll never understand why this is happening. Because you are a good man, who has lived a life marked with beauty and selflessness. 

And you have an amazing daughter, and a beautiful fiance.

And I just wish things could be different.

Like I could attend a beautiful wedding instead.

Where the woman I have loved for the past five years gets to say yes to the man I have seen completely change her life for the better.

I don't think I have anything more to say.

Except I'll probably keep to myself for a while. 

I Have Nothing.

I was raised in an environment where I was allowed to express my creativity.

And maybe you think that made me weird, but I know that it made me who I am.

And I didn't think that person was bad.

That's what I want for those I love.

Is there someone I can call?

Because this has all just become too much.

And I'm sick of venting about my issues to those that love me.

Because I'm scared you'll all get sick of hearing it.

Let's do some math.

Five people text me and I only reply to one.

Am I really still in that deep?

And are we becoming those people we couldn't stand because they couldn't make up their mind about what they wanted?

Because you know what you want, and that's clear.

But I've been indecisive since the day I was born. 

Never stopping.

I think going to school will be my settling down.

Because the truth is, I'm more excited for the future than I've ever been.

And the reason is because I know the adventures that await.

And I have a pretty good idea of the struggles, but I'm going to get through those.

Because when you've been called, all you have to do is say yes.

<3

SESA

I think I suffer from this terrible thought that nothing about myself is ever good enough.

Is there a recovery group for that?

Self-Esteem Struggles Anonymous?

Away We Go.

What if he's not always nice?

What if he doesn't take care of you like you thought he would?

Will he do the dishes?

Will he go to all those lame family functions?

Will he go to church on Sunday, maybe not for Jesus, but just so you don't have to go alone?

Will he say mean things to you when you fight?

Will he teach Joey how to play football

Will he try to control us?

Will he hold you when you cry?

Will he support you?

Will he always be truthful?

Will he work hard to build a life together?

Will he even bother to get to know me?

Will I be forgotten when I'm gone?

Things weren't perfect, but they were good. 

But we're fine on our own.

I guess it's just scary that anyone can walk out and never come back.

Leave the key on the table, lock the door behind them, and never be seen again.

Just don't try coming back.

We're better off without you anyway.